Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
 
emails (death/bloggies/band), 10 things, playoffs, dirty hipster stripper, music, boston/philly
Three emails that I thought were worthy of discussing. The first comes from Todd in Philly:

[Monday’s] post in which you referenced dying in a chinese restaurant fire made me think- you seem to talk about your untimely death fairly often -you should do a compendium of all of the different ways you've mentioned that you would meet your demise, then maybe do a pool. They can pick from one of your previously mentioned methods, or use their own. That way when you do eat it, one of your friends, family, or faithful readers can collect on all the TV money that you don't snort, shoot, or spend on transgendered Asian whores. I'm holding out for 'Hanging himself w/ his own soiled pantyhose in the bathroom of the Sit On It bar.’

Excellent call, Todd. Once again, I’m going to open up the position of assistant. This is a good idea of what your duties would include, but a new role is required: back hair maintainer. I usually “shave” my back hair by attaching my beard trimmer (sans attachment) to a ruler, fastened with rubber bands. Well, I can’t find the ruler anymore, and it’s getting a little overgrown back there, like the lawn of a decomposing murder victim. And though my roommate Brian and I are friends, we ain’t that close. Please inquire within. We can get you started searching through the archives right away (after the back hair, of course).

But Todd, if you want an insider tip, it’s not going to be a hanging, unless those panty hose are very strong or I lose about 120 pounds. Vegas is giving 180:1 on “Slips on apple sauce dripping from genitals on kitchen floor while dancing naked to New Edition.” Actually, that’s “Mr. Telephone Man” that’s getting 180:1; “Cool It Now” is getting 110:1 and “Popcorn Love” is moving, but hopping around 60:1.

(Also, there will be NO money left before I die. I promise you that.)

Nick the Dentist down in DC writes:

I'm going to cut right to the chase. I'm not going to give any background or anything, just a suggestion, and one that I think could be great for you...

Suggest to the readers that rather than (or in addition to) nominating you flat out for Blog of the Year, or whatever, they nominate you for Best Asian Blog.

Push that suggestion out to the readers, you've got a couple thousand votes, easy. I can't really imagine what other Asian Blogs would receive that many - trust me, I read all of them.

I'm unsure of the criteria, i.e. what exactly it takes to qualify. One would assume that a pure democratic election of the Asian Blog of the Year would work, but then again, this is the Asian Blog, where democracy is far from king. Or emperor. Or whatever.

In sum: Do yourself, me, and above all else, God, a favor - request that we, the readers, nominate you for Asian Blog of the Year.

Love,
Nick [name withheld], D.D.S.

PS - It's my birthday tomorrow, and if you don't do this, I'll kill myself. I can't handle another birthday alone with my puzzles and figurines.
This is a hell of an idea, but there’s only one problem: the voting for the Bloggies closed only 24 hours after I posted about it. In keeping with my whole “I’m not good at taking care of shit” style, I noticed the Bloggies at least a week and a half ago, and thought, “I should post about that.” Of course, I didn’t and totally forgot. Then I randomly remembered and posted about it. After further reading, I saw that the voting closed the day after I posted. The result: y’all had only 24 hours to vote for me.

So if I had posted earlier about the Bloggies, Nick would have written me earlier, and I would probably be in the running for “Best Asian Blog.” Instead, I waited until the last minute and I’m not even sure if I’ll get the necessary votes to be a finalist for any category.

But really – who gives a fuck? I’m Jason Fucking Mulgrew, god damn it. Have you heard of People magazine? What about [companies in Variety project]? What about [company of other project]? I don’t need some damn award to tell me I’m awesome! Who wants to fist-fight??? And is “fist-fight” hyphenated???

[Sorry – got a little out of control there. My apologies.]

Kurt in Denver writes:

Happy New Year, I read your resolutions and I'm just gonna be another douchebag telling you what I'm sure a lotta people already are...you gotta get another band together. You know that's the primo way to meet the "gals" and get resolution 5 or whatever # it was taken care of without having to do the sittin' on the barstool getting drunk-waitin-to-go-talk to them thing. They'll be coming up to you (even if it is to request Bright Eyes or something). This time you could play the stuff you want to and not have to do someone else's idea of fun material.

I read your song ideas and you obviously know your music. It would also be something cool to write about in your blog, the pain in the ass travails of getting a band together.

Anyway, you should think about it. I know it's a huge pain getting 3 or 4 flakes together in the same room and trying to make it work (as someone who's been in lame bands for 25 years), but just go into it with real low expectations. Maybe that could even be your focus. If it's not that important, it would be less strain on the head, just go into it with fun in mind. You could parlay your angelic voice and near-scandalous current fame level into a nonstop bath in groin gravy by the summertime.

You have a great and entertaining blog, now get out there and get your carrot waxed in the time-honored way: be in a shitty band. They won't be able to get enough of you.

I'll even let you use the band name I've been saving up -are you ready?

"Cliff & the Lemmings". I know, it's totally awesome, that's OK, you can thank me when you're even more famous (and hopefully STD ridden) than you are now.
Kurt, you’ve figured me out. After 23 months of writing this blog and (I’d guess) between 20,000 and 30,000 emails, you’re the first to see right through me with your suggestion (kinda): this blog, this attempt at fame, is only to get a band together.

Of course, I’ve written that I hate most musicians. While half is because they are douchey, half is also out of jealousy. I’ve mentioned before that I was in a band in college, a shit-show collection of musicians called Royce. I played bass, but most of the time I was just scared. I liked Elvis Costello, Squeeze, and Wham – we played Tool, Helmet, and Rage (along with originals that were like these guys).

Even though we sucked, it was shitload of fun. Also, I did get a blowjob out of it in the woods of Vermont after a show at Middlebury College. Needless to say, fucking sweet.

After college, about three years ago, in a moment of self-induced and delusional genius, I went down to DC to record a demo of four original songs with a buddy. I thought they were tremendous at the time, but I know now that this is not the case. And I also know that these four songs will haunt me until I fall totally into obscurity. I’m waiting for a reader to get a hold of them to blackmail me. Because, well, I don’t even want to talk about this anymore.

But the time is not yet right for me to get back into music. Though I have parlayed this blog into “now-scandalous current fame”, I still feel I’m not famous enough to take that next step into music. I think I need some more notoriety before I start to spectacularly make an ass out of myself in front of other people by singing songs like, “What The Fuck – You’re Not Even Good Looking”, “My Dick Is Like A Crayon Of Love”, “I Will Throw You Down The Stairs”, and my #1 hit, “I Ate A Whole Pizza So Let’s Make A Baby”. But musicians: keep reading and I’ll let you know when auditions will be held.

And though I like Cliff and the Lemmings, I have some others I prefer:

- Green
- Jason Mulgrew and the Pillheads
- The Pillheads
- Oh My God
- Worcester

And still my all-time favorite, Muslim Ron and the Juggernauts.

*************************************

Often bloggers write “100 Things About Me” lists. I, like pretty much everyone else, hate these. On the one hand, it’s very egotistical to believe that a reader would spend 15 minutes reading about the minutiae of your life (“I like cheeseburgers!”, “I have green eyes!”). No one cares, jagoff.

On the other hand, these things are really hard to write. Not that they’re hard per se, but they take a very long time.

I have solved both these dilemmas. In response to the first, I am not your average blogger and also my “100 things” will actually be interesting. In response to the second, instead of listing all 100 at once and boring you to tears, I will list them 10 at a time. This is also not hard for me to write, since I’m giving you them as the come to me, not sitting and trying to hammer out 100 things at once.

So may I present to you, “100 Things About Me, Numbers 1 through 10”:

1) I have never ridden in a convertible.
2) I am punctual to the point of compulsion and will seriously fuck you up if you are late or keep me waiting.
3) The first concert I ever saw was Paula Abdul, with Color Me Badd opening.
4) The second concert I saw was The Grateful Dead.
5) I read all magazines starting from the back.
6) I wear Issey Miyake cologne.
7) I have Raynaud’s Phenomenon.
8) I have never given blood.
9) I only watch about 20 NBA games a year and I don’t watch college basketball until around Valentine’s Day, but I can tell you where 85% of NBA players went to college.
10) I can’t shuffle a deck of cards.

Is your mind blown or what?

*************************************

Don’t look now, but somebody went four-for-four in his playoff picks (I’m speaking of course about myself).

I’m certain that I blew my load in the wild card round, but I still stand by my picks for the divisional round, which are:

NFC
(1) SEATTLE over (6)Washington
(5) Carolina over (2) CHICAGO

AFC
(1) INDIANAPOLIS over (6) Pittsburgh
(2) DENVER over (4) New England

Wish me luck. Or something. Not that I’m betting. I think you need cash to make bets, and I have none of that right now.

(Though I can’t really see how the Broncos beat the Pats, but I’ll just leave it at that.)

*************************************

Friends, I need your help.

I have been listening a lot lately to an incredible band called the Eagles of Death Metal. They’re not actually death metal at all – more like garage rock. But I would call them “sex rock.”

Almost everyone of their songs makes me want to have sex. Not in the Barry White/Luther Vandross/“Price Is Right” theme way, but in a different way. A dirty hipster way.

So I’m working on a new iPod playlist, called “Dirty Hipster Stripper.” The name pretty much sums it up, but it’s a collection of hipster rock ‘n’ roll songs that would also be great for a woman to strip to.

But after only three songs, I’ve reached the end of my knowledge and I need your help. If you know of any songs that would match the Dirty Hipster Stripper description, please let me know. To guide you, the three songs I have currently right now are:

“Whorehoppin’ (Shit Goddamn, I’m A Man?)” Eagles of Death Metal
This may be the best song I’ve heard in the past six months. Incredible. If you want to marry me, show up at my apartment with a six pack of beer, a boombox playing this song, and dance, dance, dance.

“Paper Doll” Louis XIV
Pimped before. I wrote on June 23, 2005:

This song is cool, but it is so sexual in nature that it makes me blush. A female reader suggested it to me and I played it for my roommate Brian. After listening to it, he said, jokingly, "Any girl who likes that song is a slut." I wouldn't go that far, but I certainly wouldn't want my 17 year-old daughter singing it. Of course, I haven't spoken to or seen my daughter in about twelve years, so I don't think I'll hear her singing this. Unless she like, shows up or something, because Lord knows I'm not looking for her.


“Midnight In Her Eyes” Black Keys
Also pimped before. On October 21, 2005, I wrote:

This is dirty, dirty rock. So filthy I want to take a shower after listening to this song. Distorted guitars and a singer who sounds like he could easily drink you under the table, not that he would ever make such a claim, because shit like that is for losers and drinking is for getting drunk and getting drunk only. On a side note, if I ever went to a strip club and saw a stripper dancing to this song, I would do everything in my power to make her my wife. And I’ve been working out lately, so I have a lot of power.


So let me know your suggestions. SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY. Don’t write me saying, “You know what would be great for your Dirty Hipster Stripper mix? Oasis. They are great.” I know that at least some dirty-ass hipsters read this site, so help me out guys.

*************************************

Six Songs

“Hey Jude” Wilson Pickett
Now this is a cover. When I write my Oscar-winning semi-autobiographical movie, “I’m The One Who Stole Your Fucking Wallet: The Jason Mulgrew Story”, this song will close the movie, playing over the credits after a fade-out shot of me standing on the side of a dirt road, masturbating into a can of Pepsi while the sun sets behind me.

“How Far Is Heaven” Los Lonely Boys
Am I an unattractive person because this song immediately makes me 100 times happier when I hear it? And have I mentioned that I really want to have sex with a Mexican girl? Have we covered this?

“A New England” Billy Bragg
My buddy Griff and I in college were always searching for any song sung with a British accent. His contention was that Brits sing with an accent very rarely. I agree. But Billy, well, he fucking sings with a British accent. I’m recommending this song because a) it is actually quite sad and I prefer to be quite sad; b) I’m going to New England this weekend (see below).

“My Friends” Jimi Hendrix
This is a rarity – or rather, it isn’t on any of Hendrix three releases from when he was alive – but it’s a heck of a song. Saying that any Hendrix song is “a heck of a song” makes me sound like a middle-aged Southerner trying to relate to this wayward hippie son. But that’s what I’m trying to do here, so shut the fuck up.

“Hello Resolven” Beulah
If the question is: “What, in your opinion, is the single best song to get high to?”, this is the answer. I’ve pimped it before, but I don’t care. I’m high right now and loving it.

“Playground Love” Air
If the question is: “What, in your opinion, is the single best song to make out to?”, this is the answer. I have probably pimped this before, but I’m not sure. And no, I’m not making out right now. Sadly.

*************************************

Most likely no more posts for the rest of the week as I’m going to Boston, where I will be until next Monday (then off to Philly for a few days). I can think of no better way to celebrate the legacy of the great Dr. Martin Luther King than getting cut off at 1:30am, trying to avoid fights with Massholes, and eating Anna’s burritos every day. So I’ll try to post but I can’t promise anything.

[Maybe that could be the name for my band: Eating Anna’s Burritos. I think I like it.]

[Have a good weekend.]



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