Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, January 05, 2006
2005 year in review
2005 was banner year in my life. A really big one. But before we talk about it any further, I think we need to review 2005’s resolutions and see how well we (as in, I) did with them.

2005 Resolution #1: Save $15,000 by the end of the year

I have been working only one day a week since the beginning of October. I did this because I was presented with two “projects” in the entertainment industry to work on. I needed time off from work to complete them. And since they paid (and paid well), I didn’t think this would be a problem. This was my logic back in September when asking to take my leave of absence from work.

Fast forward to January 5, 2006: I still have not been paid for either project. Not because I’m failing in these endeavors (even though I am failing in these endeavors), but because, as I have been repeatedly assured, it takes time for these things. I can say without a hint of exaggeration that right now I am the poorest I have been since college. Since leaving work, I have depleted my savings (gone sometime in November) and have been living off credit. So not only am I poor, but I have straddled myself with literally thousands of dollars in debt while I await these payments. Sure, I eventually will get paid for my projects, but it’s getting to the point that when I do so, I will have to apply that money directly to credit card bills.

So this one was a big loss. Save $15,000? I feel like pulling a Jim Mora and saying, “15,000? $15,000? We can’t be thinking about saving $15,000! We have to start making money first!”

Verdict: Failure. Big time.

2005 Resolution #2: Find an awesome place to live.

One year ago, I was living in the Upper East Side. The apartment itself was nice (I had my own bathroom!), but the location was TERRIBLE. So I wrote:
I'm a simple man. I don't need a lot of room. I don't need things like a doorman, an elevator, or a gym. All I want is something that's close to where I work (way downtown) and close to where I go out (all kinds of places below Union Square). God I hope I can find it. Because otherwise, well, I don't even want to get into it.
In May, I moved to Little Italy/Chinatown (ChiLiTa). And the place is close to where I work and where I go out. And even though I bitch about it, I am reasonably happy with it. Perhaps I’m saying this now because it’s winter and the tourists and (some of) the Chinese have been forced indoors by the cold temperatures. But overall, I can’t complain too much. Of course, I will absolutely be moving again when my lease is up in May, but that’s just because I am a nomad at heart.

Verdict: Eh.

2005 Resolution #3: Have sex.
[no comment]

2005 Resolution #4: Rejoin the gym.

If by “rejoin the gym” we mean “pay for the gym”, well, I certainly have done that. I’ve had $70 a month taken out of my check since June and have gone to the gym a grand total of ZERO times. So that’s $420 for ZERO visits. I am not good at money.

When I made the resolution last year, I wrote:
But I am in terrible shape. As of right now, I can't even think about a gym without getting tired. Dialing a phone number can put me out of commission for three days. Chewing is exhausting, so I've been putting my food in a blender so that all I have to do is swallow it. I'm a few Reubens and carrot cakes away from having to install a pulley system in my bedroom to get me out of bed. I know I have a penis somewhere, but all I've seen for the past few years is a yellow stream of urine shooting from under my belly.
But then, something miraculous happened. After spending the first half of the year worrying about dying of a heart attack, I got a stress test. I’m not a doctor (and neither are you), but the results of the test were basically, “Look, nothing is wrong with your heart. You’re just fat. Now get the fuck out of my office and stop wasting my time.”

So I didn’t need to join the gym in 2005. And the fact that I’m “healthy” and I’m paying for it frees me of any guilt for failing to follow through with this resolution.

Verdict: disqualified

2005 Resolution #5: Get super fucking famous.
Last year I wrote about this desire to get famous:
However, I'm not getting my hopes up [about getting famous], only because I don't think I could stand such a crushing let-down. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and hope to god that someday soon I get to have sex with Lindsay Lohan. And there's NO WAY I'm going to wear a condom, even thought she's gotta have at least HPV. It's just not gonna happen.
Little did I know that five months after I wrote this, I would be at a fancy Hollywood party at a big time club here in NYC (that would normally never get into) WATCHING LINDSAY LOHAN DANCE ON TOP OF A SPEAKER.


That’s the kind of year 2005 has been; easily the most exciting and arguably the best of my life. A year ago, I was just a normal (albeit a little deviant) dude with a semi-popular blog. But over the course of the year, traffic to the site exploded, I was named “hot” by People, and I was presented not one but two life-altering opportunities. I mean, damn.

So I have no resolutions for 2006. I don’t think it can get any better than 2005 (to be honest, I kinda have a bad feeling about 2006, but I’m trying to keep it positive here), so I am just going to let it happen and take it one step at a time. Also, as you can see, for the most part I suck with resolutions, so forget the whole thing.


Some thank you's are in order to those who made 2005 such a great year for me. This may read like the speech of an Oscar-winner, but fuck it – it’s my blog. I will try to keep it brief, because those to whom I am grateful already know it.

Thank you to Site Guy Brendan. All I do is verbally abuse him and pay him in change and beer and he continues to answer all my emails (though it’d be nice if he’d look at some of the trades I’ve offered him in our fantasy basketball league). The site would not exist without him, and we’re going to make it even better in 2006 (and yes, I know that makes me sound like a politician).

Thank you to Joel. Joel contacted me last December out of the blue and made me cream in my pants. Everything that has happened to me in the entertainment industry I owe to Joel, and I love him (in a half-heterosexual/half-homosexual way). Thank you also to Larry, Farsh, and everyone else at UTA who has been totally awesome to me.

Thank you to Holly, publicist extraordinaire at Pilot Publicity. Her diligence after the People thing was remarkable, and helped get my ass known to some more people. I look forward to having more Stellas and talking more strategy in the future.

Thank you also to: Derek at the NY Daily News for my first piece of press; Joyce, Jessica and Laura at People, Joyce for emailing me out of the blue and asking me to participate and Jessica and Laura for answering all my emails that asked, “So, um, for this photo shoot, you guys know I’m not good-looking right?”; Ben, Chris, Naima, and Naomi for helping me through the shoot; the guys at DreamWorks for being funny muthas; Gregg and Alex for being great lawyers and calming me down when I call them at 3 in the afternoon, hopped up on goofballs, asking where my money is; and everyone else who I can’t mention right now (you know who you are).

Thank you also to Ace Cowboy, Dan, D, the Bouncer, the Waiter, and the Lawyer, for daily entertainment and sending new readers over.

Finally, the most important thanks of all go to you guys. If you hadn’t passed this site on to your friends, linked it from your blogs, and linked it in your message boards, none of the events of the past year would have happened for me. Your support is my everything and I am eternally grateful to you. I hope that this past year was only the beginning of something very exciting and I’m glad that you were all there with me to experience it. And I promise that I will keep getting drunk and making dick jokes. I swear.

Godspeed, Happy New Year and thank you.

(I just read this post over and I’m now going to drink wine in the tub and cry. Very emotional right now.)

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