Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, December 22, 2005
things that I do that everyone else should do, volume one
The “memo” area on your average check is a comedy goldmine begging to be spelunked, yet people fail to recognize this. More often than not, people use this space to describe what the check is being written for: “May 2004 rent”, “John’s birthday”, “Account Number 193883984297”, etc.

But in reality, this is an opportunity for free-form comedy. I’m telling you this now because the holidays are upon us, and, like many of you, I have no imagination when it comes to giving gifts, so I often give money. Since we all know that giving cash is too…Italian (read: tacky), I always give checks. I know that receiving cash is preferable, but my logic is, “Hey – I’m giving you free money. The least you could do is take your lazy ass to the bank to cash the check.” Sartre says that the purpose of giving a gift is to enslave the recipient. I think that giving a gift is just another opportunity to be a dick.

[Please note: this does not apply only to holidays. Every check I write has something retarded in the memo. This is a year-round thing.]

So this holiday season, instead of writing in the memo of the check, “Merry Christmas, Tom!” or “Happy Hanukkah, Chaim!”, have a little fun with it. Write something ridiculous and/or offensive. You’ll at least get a laugh out of it and perhaps that person will have to hand that check to a teller to be deposited. Sweet.

Here are some examples to get you started:

- “Third place prize - Semen Eating Contest”
- “Killing my father”
- “Licking ass on a dare”
- “Your mother tastes like cocaine”
- “Head”
- “I rubbed this on my balls”
- “Are you my brother?”
- “Still tasting you xoxoxo”
- “This is for the drugs you sold me”
- “Sorry about your sister’s uterus and all”

So please, try this at home. I do it, it’s awesome, so you should do it.

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