Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
return, recap
First, I apologize for my behavior over the past few months. Not for generally being a sucky person, but for sounding so "mysterious" with the projects that I've been working on. Let me backtrack: typically, when I'm feeling down, I'll print out some posts from this here blog and read them aloud to myself. It never fails to get me up and even a little randy. Knowing that this past week was going to be a rough one (mood swings, depression, etc), I printed out a few months worth of archives to bring with me on my self-imposed exile. And though there were parts that brought me near climax, I realized what an incredible douche I sound like when referring so mysteriously to my "projects".

[Right now you're thinking, "I really hope he's not serious about printing out his old posts and reading. But I can't say for sure."]

Though I apologize for my doucheness, I still can't give y'all full disclosure. I will however, tell you as much as I can:

- Since the end of September, I have only been working one day a week at my normal job. That day is Tuesday.

- I will continue working one day a week through December. Then I will take a leave of absence from work until mid-February. That means I'll have off from work entirely from Jan 1 until mid-Feb.

- I've divided my time between time between two projects: developing a TV show based on the site (I refuse to say "my life", because that would make it the saddest TV show ever), as mentioned in Variety; and working on another project which can not be named for contractual reasons.

- In about a month or so, I will be able to tell you everything (hopefully).

- Over the next few months, there will be some changes to the site. Don't be scared; they will be good and exciting. One of the upshots of these projects is that I have a little bit of money. Instead of using this money for rent, credit card debt, student loans, etc, I'm going to make my site prettier (I will also pay off many of my speeding tickets). For the entire length of his "employment", Site Guy Brendan has been held captive in an apartment in Dorchester, MA and beaten with bamboo shoots, while he steals stuff from the internet for this site. I can now give him so money to buy shiny things to make the site nicer, which will happen over time (though I will still continue to beat him with bamboo shoots). So even though I was on hiatus and I may slack a bit over the next few weeks while I take care of business, I'm more committed to this site than ever. And I know I'm being vague about these changes, but I want to surprise you (because I love you).

This past week, from Wednesday until Tuesday, I was "down the shore" in North Wildwood, NJ. Typically, my family and friends summer there, but in the winter, there ain't much going on. I went down there because my aunt and uncle have a lil' place down there and I needed to get away from the distractions of NYC (read: craigslist's "casual encounters" section).

The good news: it worked. I managed to get a lot of work done. You'd be surprised how industrious you can be when you have no internet, no friends, and not even any contact with other humans to occupy your time.

[Confession: I did get internet for a little bit when I was down there. On Saturday evening, I suddenly was able to piggyback someone's wireless signal. It was probably one of the top five moments of my life. I immediately went onto MySpace to search for girls living in the Wildwoods to invite them for some hanky-panky. Surprisingly, none accepted. I suppose I shouldn't send messages with subjects like "I WANT TO TASTTE [sic] YOUR HEINIE" and "MY BIRD IS YOURS TONITE".]

But I did learn one thing for sure: you're never too depressed to drink alone. I'll get into this later, but writing humor - when you are being paid to do so and people are waiting for your product to judge it - is a very daunting task. Not only that, it can't be forced. Either it comes, or it doesn't. And when it doesn't, you'd better watch out.

I didn't have much to do, so I just drank beer and ate a lot. Then I'd try to write and get bummed out when it didn't come to me. Then I'd get drunker. And then I'd get sadder. At one point, I was so depressed that I was laying on the bathroom floor with no pants on (though wearing a t-shirt and socks) as the shower ran while I played Monopoly on my cell phone. This lasted for over an hour. Also, it was probably about 3:30 in the morning when this was happening. I'm guessing that I probably shouldn't tell this story on a first date, but I'm trying to give you a little insight into the mind and life of a really, really, really bad writer. You're welcome.

But I'm back in NYC to the comfort and safety of my apartment. I missed the little things about my life here in NYC: the way my heat in my apartment only turns on after midnight and then makes the room temperature rise very quickly to about 85 degrees, causing my body to go into shock; the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people on the streets in my neighborhood who are determined to walk very slowly in front of me, stopping suddenly for unknown reasons so I can walk into their backs; the way a sandwich and a gatorade costs $11; the fried chicken wing/rotting garbage smell that permeates my neighborhood even though it's 15 degrees out; my 8x10 bedroom, filled with stuff I haven't even unpacked from my move back in May; my bathroom, which is getting so disgusting that I've taken to shitting in the gas station bathroom three blocks away; the garbage trucks, which seem now to be coming every night at around 2am; the hipsters who stand around in bars acting superior because they listen to bands with names like I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness and have the same haircut their mom/dad had in 1974; the frat guys in striped shirts who down $5 shots of tequila, high five, and pick fights; and the fact that it costs me $60 to get a buzz on on a night out. Just to a name a few.

I think I'm getting old. I think I may need a change of scenery. Good thing I'm headed back to Philly tomorrow.

[God I miss Los Angeles.]

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