Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
 
hack, ray, tech problems, eagles, quoteable, music
Loyal reader and friend JC from Charlotte was the first to bring to my attention that my post yesterday was similar to an episode of the FX show "It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia." In the episode, the main character learns that his old high school teacher was accused of sexual misconduct and he (the character) wonders why he was not a target of this teacher. So it's pretty much the same exact idea that I wrote about yesterday.

Four things about this:

1) I have never seen this show. Therefore, I did not steal the joke from it. You might call "bullshit" on this, but it's true. You can believe me or not. I don't reallly care (I added an extra "l" for emphasis).

2) If we're being honest, I've only consciously lifted one joke from someone else to use on this site without giving credit, and it's bothered me since. Back in March of 2005, I wrote about attending my 12-year 8th grade reunion. For the reunion, I wrote a speech (which I never ended up giving). In that speech I wrote:

But I look around the room and I’m happy with what we’ve become: good men, upstanding women, and whatever the hell Wick is. And I feel nothing but respect for you all, nothing but respect. Not pride. Not happiness. Not friendship. Just respect.
The "I look around the room and feel nothing but respect; not pride, etc" joke is not mine. Steve Martin said it in a speech about Lorne Michaels in some honorary ceremony. And I stole it. So there.

But in my defense, I stole it for the speech, not for the site. Sure, I later put the speech on the site, but it's original intention was for the speech only. And we all know it's much more acceptable to steal for the spoken word than the written word (although it was T.S. Eliot who said, "Good writers borrow. Great writers steal." and he was writer, not a stand-up).

3) I'd like to thank the dozens of other people who emailed me after JC, calling me out on the post. It's also a good sign for that show, I think, that so many people would know the plot of one of the episodes.

However, for the douchebags who took a nasty tone in their emails, F you guys. Through November of this year, I've written around 475,000 words on the site (the equivalent of 940 singled-spaced pages). Many of these 475,000 words have been used before, sometimes even in a comedic setting. So if I accidentally repeat a joke, give me a break. You don't need to send me a dickhead email calling me a hack. No offense to "Philadelphia", but it's not like I wrote a post about some cook in my neighborhood who screams "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" or anything. Like I said, I've never seen the show, but I think I might have to watch it now.

4) Something that is worth noting: the star and creator of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" went to my high school. I do not know the extent of his interaction with this teacher, as he was two years ahead of me. But at the very least he knew him. Strange then, isn't it, that he would write a presumably fictional episode about not being the target of his predatory high school teacher's advances and then later it would be learned that in real life he actually had a predatory high school teacher?

...

I just blew your minds, didn't I? That's why you guys pay me the big bucks.

(Oh no wait, you don't pay me anything. You just send emails accusing me of stealing jokes. Sorry - I got mixed up there for a moment.)

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I saw Ray Lamontagne last night at Town Hall here in NYC. If you're not listening to Ray Lamontagne, I don't know what to tell you. A year and a half ago I stood with 30 people watching him at the Mercury Lounge. Now the dude is standing on the stage at Town Hall, just him, his guitar, and a harmonica.

The show was very good, but I have to say it was the least good of his previous performances that I've seen (but still very good). He seemed a little off, and eventually said to the audience, "I'm frustrated about something. Can you tell?" It's a shame, because I had awesome seats (5th row orchestra, center) and I felt like a total hot shot sitting so close.

Also, to the people who yell out during concerts: if I find out who you are, I will punch you in the fucking face. As I said, it was just him and his guitar, so when he wasn't playing or when he was tuning up, you could almost hear a pin drop. Of course, every once in a while a dickhead would yell, "YEAH RAY!" or "[unintelligible noise]!" I think this is extremely annoying, and 95% of the crowd thought so too. When during one of the silences some guy trying to be funny yelled out, "I dig music!", a girl in the balcony countered, "Shut up, frat boy!" The crowd approved, so much so that I thought they'd start attacking the frat boy and tear him to pieces. A comical moment in an otherwise depressing night, just because Ray's music is so damn sad.

God I love him.

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You may have noticed that we had some technical difficulties recently, but these have been fixed (I think). Long story short, I did something I shouldn't have, probably for the sole purpose of giving Site Guy Brendan a headache. Mission accomplished. Several emails back and forth between he and I and the problem is solved (I think). And I'm pretty certain that the next time I see Brendan he's going to belly punch me. Can't wait.

But in the future, please send all tech-related issues to Site Guy Brendan at brendan@jasonmulgrew.com. For the last time, I am a technical retard. I don't know anything about web design, html, RSS feeds, or the intricacies of a woman's private area. For help with any of these issues, go to Brendan. If you want someone to console you because you got wasted and made a sandwich out of processed cheese slices and toilet paper, drop me a line. Got it?

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I'd like to thank the Philadelphia Eagles for making the past three months (and the next month) miserable for me. After the Ray show, I walked into a bar just in time to watch a Seahawk taking a fumble into the end zone to make it 41-0 - WITH 14 MINUTES LEFT IN THE THIRD QUARTER.

Typically, when I'm miserable, I want everyone else to be miserable with me. And fortunately, many of my non-Eagle fans felt that way after last night's game. You see, the over/under on the game was 43. Many of my friends bet the over. Like I said, with just under 14 minutes left in the third quarter it was 42-0. Surely someone would score again, since the Seahawks managed 42 points in a little over half the game, right?

Nope. Neither team scored. Those betting the over lost. To make matters worse, the Seahawks missed a field goal that would have put them over. Sucks for you guys.

And sucks for me too. But at least we can commiserate together.

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My buddy Tim was responsible for two phenomenal quotes this weekend:

1) "Imagine how slutty women would be if they could have orgasms with the same ease that men can."

2) "The closest I ever came to a threesome was at a Santana concert."

I think I'm going to write a whole post about the first and the second is arguably the greatest conversation starter I've ever heard. Kudos to you, Tim.

[I had a line about how I was going to really "explore the space" with that first point, but I think it's time to officially retire every line from the Christopher Walken/Blue Oyster Cult SNL skit that gave us the line, "I need more cowbell!" I like to think that it was me and this site that stopped the whole "Best. [Noun]. Ever." phenomenon that got so brutally overused that I started to tense up every time I saw it written, so let's all now focus our energies on preventing further quoting from this skit. Yes, it was awesome, but it had its time and place. So join with me in chanting: NO 'MORE COWBELL!' NO 'MORE COWBELL!']

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Since it's only a half week (more tomorrow on this) we can't do Six Songs, so here are Three Songs.

"Angel" Aerosmith
I hate Aerosmith. I read an interview in Maxim once (I think I've written about this before) with Steven Tyler, in which he was asked where Aerosmith ranks in the rock pantheon. His response? "Just below the Stones, but above Led Zeppelin." Um, no Steven. Not even close. More like...

1) The Rolling Stones
2) Led Zeppelin
3) The Who

...

14) The Edgar Winter Group
15) Aerosmith
16) LA Guns

So I don't know why I'm pimping this song, except to say that I like it even though it was a precursor to their later Diane Warren co-penned schmaltz. Eck.

"Unsung" Helmet
I was in a band in college. We were terrible and we played scary music, but we had fun. Though I was more inclined to Elvis Costello and Squeeze, we played a lot of Rage Against the Machine and Tool. "Unsung" was one of the "hard rock" songs that we played, but I actually really liked this song. And it's very easy to play to, so I would rock on stage, pounding away on my bass, looking out onto a sea of women admirers before me. And by "sea of women admirers" I mean my roommates, three alcoholics, and a Chinese lady selling roses. But whatever.

"Four Leaf Clover" Badly Drawn Boy
I have such a strange affair with Badly Drawn Boy; some of his stuff I don't think I can live without, while other songs of his I find wretched. This falls into the former category. I could use more words, but it's a nice tune. It makes me all moody and unsure of myself. And that's a good thing. I think.



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