Thursday, December 29, 2005
explanation, chuck, jake is gay, memo emails, totally weird, drunk santa, music
I’ve been bouncing around the Northeast very much the past few days, trying to make it through this awkward week between Christmas and New Year’s.
Since my schedule is hectic, you get a hectic post. Hopefully, I’ll be able to write something more coherent now that I’ll be spending more than one night in the same place for the first time in over a week. But I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind, so I can’t promise that.
God I love you all.
Look, it's funny. It really is. But please stop sending me facts about Chuck Norris. I've gotten a least three emails a day for the past month or so with these Chuck Norris facts. Yes, I know they exist. And yes, I know they are funny. But I've known about them for a while. The original target of these "facts" was Vin Diesel. The facts were basically the same, sans beard and roundhouse kick jokes. They were funny.
So I appreciate y'all bringing this to my attention, but I am aware of it. But what the hell - here are some of my favorite facts:
Chuck Norris raised his IQ by eating gifted children.
Einstein actually had a theory explaining how the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris broke all laws of physics. He died on the day of the planned release.
A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.
Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.
Chuck Norris proposed to his wife by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in semen. Needless to say, she said yes.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Mark my words: Jake Gyllenhal will come out of the closet sometime after the New Year. Trust me on this.
I'm not saying this because I've seen "Brokeback Mountain", because I haven't seen the movie. I'm telling you this because I'm "in the industry" and I know shit like this.
Trust me. I can’t wait to say “I told you so!” in a few months. Because there’s nothing I love more than being right. And ejaculating on sleeping people. Being right and ejaculating on sleeping people are definitely my two favorite things.
I got a lot of responses to the post I wrote about check memos. Some of you are even sicker than I thought. Scott from NYC chimes in:
I'm totally with you on the check memo thing. Been doing it for years myself. Then my friends started doing it because of the public shame they would feel when they had to deposit one of my checks. The best one that any of my friends ever pulled was when we sent checks to the winner of our March Madness fantasy pool this year. My buddy Dave wrote on the memo line of the check, "I have a bomb," and mailed it to our buddy Kevin. Poor Kevin never thought to inspect the memo line before going to the bank a few days later. He handed it to the teller, completely oblivious to the fact that the teller then slowly walked away and summoned security. Two burly guys came over and pulled Kevin aside and asked him what he thought he was doing. Still clueless, they asked him why he wrote "i have a bomb" on his check. Then it hit him that Dave wrote it. Luckily, he got away without any time spent in the clink.The only thing I can say about this is that I have never heard prison referred to as “the clink” before. Is this a known expression or did Scott just make this up?
Jake in Columbia, MO takes advantage of an old rule: mention Dalton in an email and it’s definitely going on the site.
When I was in college, my roommates and I made it a point to try and creep out our landlord each month with something ridiculous on the memo line. We liked to have a lot of parties and it was a great way to keep him out of our hair. The key was to make the message ominous, but keep it short of a threat. It also couldn't be something so vulger that he could call the police if he wanted. A few examples:I think Jake and I would be very good friends. Jake, if you’re reading this, please IM me soon. I can move out there now, but early February would be best. Let me know.
1. No one ever has to know... (The ... makes it. I forgot what those are called.)
2. Your doggie is never coming home. (This is much better if you imagine saying it with a clown voice)
4. I love you.
5. We can still be friends, right?
Well, you get the idea. The plan worked great. He never bothered us, but then again, he also never fixed anything. A fair trade, I'd say. I'll take a broken garbage disposal over him coming over and seeing everything covered in a fine cocaine residue left by Joey Elimidate.
I actually loved the idea of this so much, that I started writing fake checks made out to real and fake people and hanging them on the walls.(I realize how awesome this sounds) I once wrote out a check to Dalton (Swayze in Roadhouse) for 1 million dollars. I told myself that if I ever have 1 million dollars in my bank account, I would change my name to Dalton, cash the check, and then spend the cash to open up a bar called the Double Deuce in Jasper, Missouri. I would not, however, wear sleeveless guis. Unfortunately, I spend all my money on Natural Light, Rumpleminze, and frozen Jack's pizzas.
Finally, we have CarolAnne in Philly. I would never, ever do this.
Hey Jason....Lets see if you have the brass balls to try this one.No thanks. Not unless the Bush people want hours of videotaped footage of me masturbating on the bathroom floor and laying in bed eating Tostitos and a lot of phone conversations between Brian and I that go:
Put this on the memo area of your next check:
"Donation to Al Quida/Al Qaida" (however the hell they spell it.)
Let's see Bush spy on your phone calls and emails. That should make good blog reading.
Me: “Dude, did you clog the toilet in the middle of the night?”
Brian: “No, dude.”
Me: “Oh, I guess that was me.”
[eleven seconds of silence]
Me: “I can’t wait to get fucked up this weekend.”
Brian: “I know. It’s gonna be awesome. I love getting drunk.”
Me: “Me too.”
[fourteen seconds of silence]
Me: “Alright, later.”
But if that makes for a safer America, well, so be it.
I get a lot of really fucked up emails. This sort of comes with the territory, and I get a kick out of many of them. Some are annoying. These include the many emails I get from “hot” girls who talk about how “hot” they are and proceed to tease me about their “hotness”, but fail to include a picture. In the old days, I used to press these women for pictures, and when I eventually got one, 95% of the time it’d be of a 250-pounder eating a big-ass bowl of chili, looking like Mama Cass on a hot August afternoon. But now, jaded and disappointed, I don’t even respond to these emails. So ladies, if you’re only point in emailing me is to tell that you’re hot, please don’t. However, if you want to email me a picture of you eating a big-ass bowl of chili, that’s totally cool. I collect those.
Most emails are fun to read. These include some of the stories that y’all send me, links to stuff you think is funny, and drunken ramblings (and I have been getting an inordinate amount of drunken ramblings lately – gotta love the holidays). Really, I could put up one reader email a day instead of a post and it’d be more entertaining than any of the garbage on here.
I’ve seen a lot of crazy ones, but I think this is the single strangest email I’ve ever gotten.
My name is Sarah. I'm 32 years-young, and my husband recently died. I just saw your internet profile and I loved it. You're very attractive! I LOVE to travel, and I'll be visiting the US in January. Also, since my husband died (he died by overdosing on Velotrin - I'm curently sueing them and I hope to get a lot of money - I feel bad he died but I'm glad he died the way he died, he was fuckin' till the very end!!!!) I've become a chronic masturbater. My phsychiatrist tells me that the best way to cut down on jerkin' is to meet a man. So, I'M REALLY GLAD I FOUND YOUR WEBSITE ;)!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully, we will be able to meet up when I visit. I travel a lot, and I would love to travel with you. Lookin' forward to hearing from you,
[This is me, being speechless.]
[So Sarah, where are we going?]
If you want to see a picture of me drunk and dressed as Santa, you can do so at my MySpace profile. Don't get your hopes up - I'm not doing anything crazy. I just have a big dopey smile on my face because I'm wasted and I know I'm gonna eat soon.
God I hate Christmas.
“Hope I Don’t Fall In Love With You” Tom Waits
This song is heartbreaking. I don’t know what else to say, except for we have a new flagship song on the “Sad As Fuck” playlist. Best of all, this is before Tom Wait’s voice went to shit, so it actually sounds good.
(There are two versions of this song. Be sure to get the slower, longer version.)
[INTERRUPTION: The battery on my laptop is about to die at any moment, so the rest of our Six Songs selections must be abridged. Thank you for understanding.]
“Love Me Like You” The Magic Numbers
I’ve pimped them before, and I really, really, really, really like this band. Get as much of their stuff as you can.
“Invisible Touch” Genesis
Did you guys know that this song is really about Hitler? Swear to God.
“Romeo and Juliet” Dire Straits
The line “And all I do is kiss you/Through the bars of a rhyme” used to send me into convulsions of emotion (great band name: Convulsions of Emotion). Then all my emotions, save for lust and hunger, went away. Such is life.
“The Wait” American Analog Set
A better definition of “mope rock”, I can think of none.
“Symphony of Destruction” Megadeth
I cannot possibly count the number of people I have punched while listening to this song. It is easily in the dozens.