Everything is wrong with me
Friday, December 16, 2005
cartoon, colagero, destiny, ipod, pandora, music, philly
Someone I know was very, very upset about this. We will call him “Justin.” Justin went away recently. On his first day out of NYC, he got a frantic voicemail message from his roommate, “Bill.” Bill was very wound up and upset, wailing like Ron Burgundy in his glass case of emotion, unable to even explain what happened before abruptly hanging up.

Justin tracked Bill down and got the scoop. It was the unthinkable: their “source”, with whom they’ve had an on-again off-again relationship for the past four years, had been arrested, busted by the feds. So no more of one of the few things that makes Justin’s and Bill’s lives bearable. This is especially bad, since Justin has recently transformed into the most miserable human being on the planet and derives pleasure only from abuse (particularly from the substance that the source offers, but also from the abuse of booze, other people, and himself).

Not only that, a list of the source’s clients had been confiscated. On that list are, presumably, Justin’s and Bill’s names and contact information.

Once Justin got the fully story from Bill, he tried to calm him down. “I promise you,” he said, “They’re not going to come after us. Not with athletes and celebrities on that list anyway.”

“Yes,” Bill replied, “But what about [unintelligible screams and sobs, things breaking in the background].”

Bill eventually bought into Justin’s reassurances, but deep down Justin himself was worried. See, Justin is an almost-celebrity. I can’t get into the nature of his fame, lest I reveal too much of his persona. But let’s just say that Justin is kind of a big deal in some circles, especially in New York City. We’re not talking “Oscar-winner” big deal, but one time he did get recognized on an Amtrak train. Which totally made his entire year.

But though initially worried, Justin realized that getting busted by the feds might just be great for his career. After all, everyone knows there is no such thing as bad publicity and an attention whore like Justin is always willing to take it where he can get it. Besides, it’s not like he was having drinking parties for 12 year old boys from PS 128 at his apartment every Friday night (there was no drinking, just a lot of group masturbating).

So soon Justin was no longer worried. There were two possible scenarios, he figured: either nothing happens or he gets arrested and becomes a political prisoner, using his captivity as an excuse to strike out at the man and the system, with the help of his legions of (completely bored and totally looking for something to do) fans.

But there’s another problem: Justin and Bill need their “goods”. This, thankfully, is not an issue. In a city as large as New York, there will always be sources and always be goods. I *heart* NYC.

I mean, Justin *hearts* NYC.

The end.


Speaking of breaking the law, Colagero is implicated in a murder.

I’m tempted to make a racist joke here (you guys know how I turn everything into a racial issue), something akin to, “I wonder if this would have happened if he had found a nice Italian girl instead” (and that’s a really mild one). But my sister has recently started dating a black man, so I have to start biting my tongue. A bisexual brother and a sister dating a black guy. Now all I need is for my mom to somehow get retarded and my dad to convert to Judaism I have license to make any joke I want.

[Not that I make any jokes about Jews, if any of my friends in the entertainment industry are reading this. I am totally down with the Tribe, and you guys know this.

Anyway, I don’t really have a joke about Colagero being a criminal, but how does something like this? One minute you’re working with Robert DeNiro, the next you’re involved in the death of a NYC police officer. Fame goes to the unworthy. I promise you that if I ever get famous I will not, in any way, be involved in the death of a police officer. The only death I will be involved in will be my own, which I will take like a man, in a closet, smoking a cigarette, listening to Sigur Ros, consciously drawing my heart to a complete stop because my dog died in my pool a few days earlier and I no longer have anything to live for. Thank you.


Speaking of famous people being assholes, has there ever been a more condescending commercial than the Destiny’s Child Wal-Mart Christmas commercial? Perhaps “condescending” is not the right word…hypocritical? Anger-inducing? Piss-me-off-ish? (Can someone help me a word here, please?)

In the commercial, Beyonce (‘cause Lord knows I haven’t seen enough of her) and the other two girls in Destiny’s Child are at Beyonce’s house on Christmas morning, exchanging gifts. These gifts include: a giant plasma TV, a laptop, a tricked out digital camera, and other exorbitantly expensive gifts.

Maybe it’s because I grew up poor, but I don’t want to see really rich celebrities exchanging $60,000 worth of gifts on Christmas morning. This doesn’t make your product more appealing to me. Instead, it makes me want to punch these rich fucks in the face.

No surprise that this commercial comes from Wal-Mart. The median income of the average Wal-Mart employee is $22,400. Of course, I just made that number up, but it’s got to be pretty low. But then they show Beyonce and the gang throwing presents around that probably 98% of their employees (and probably 90% of their customers) can’t afford. This angers me so much that I can’t believe more hasn’t been written about it.

So fuck you, Wal-Mart, and fuck you, Destiny’s Child. Take your $6000 59 inch plasma TVs and your $800 digital cameras and shove them up your asses.

And Merry Fucking Christmas.


Speaking of expensive things, I got the new 60 GB black iPod. I have no idea why.

Well, that’s not true; I saw my brother’s and decided to get one. Simple as that. I have to admit, it’s pretty sick. I bought my original iPod back in March of 2004 (just after starting this blog, actually) and it was getting pretty beat up. Worst of all, the battery was completely shot to shit. I even had the battery replaced, but I was only getting a solid 1.5 hours of use of it before it conked out completely.

So the real reason I got a new one is that my brother’s looked cool. My fake justification for getting the new one is that my old one was dying.

I don’t have a product review or anything, and I don’t regret buying it, but I had a moment. I bought it and raced (in as much as I can “race” anywhere) back to my apartment, and set it up, marveling at its beauty as my songs were copied onto it. Then, when it was finally ready, I put in the headphones to try out my new $400 toy and I learned that IT IS THE SAME AS MY OLD IPOD.

I don’t mean that literally of course, but when this thing is in my pocket and music is coming out of it, I can’t tell the difference between this one and my old one. Sure, more battery life and cooler looking, etc, but really, it’s just the same.

(And I know this one holds photos and TV shows and stuff, but I don’t take pictures and I don’t watch TV. So there’s no way I’m going to do use these functions.)

So I’d like to congratulate myself for an exorbitantly expensive and completely unnecessary purchase that does not alter my life in anyway, except to distract from my bank account. Guess I’ll pay off those credit cards later. Or I’ll just die and let my family take care of it. Haven’t decided yet.


Speaking of music, get ready, because I’m going to make your day.

Lauren in NYC introduced to me www.pandora.com. It’s an ingenious idea really. It’s a music site. You put in an artist or song that you like and based on the artist/song will then build a “radio station” of songs like that artist/song. For example, if you put in the Beatles, you’re going to get a lot of songs that sound like the Beatles, some familiar (the Kinks, David Bowie, Badfinger), some not.

Two complaints:

1) The library is limited. For example, if you put in the Beatles, there’s a limited number of songs they have for their station. Meaning, on Tuesday I listened to my Beatles station. I did the same on Wednesday, and heard a lot of the same songs I did the previous day.

2) Jackson Browne is linked to every artist I liked. So far, I’ve done the Beatles, Elvis Costello, Squeeze, the Grateful Dead, and Jimi Hendrix. Jackson Browne has been on every station, even Hendrix’s. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s behind this whole thing. And Jackson Browne sucks.

3) I wonder who exactly is behind this. Perhaps a computer nerd in some hipster band put this together to get his/her music out there. Think about it: many, many people are going to make a station around the Beatles. If you put your song second on that station’s playlist, a lot of people are going to listen to it. Hmm…I wonder.

At any rate, it’s a great site if you’re just sitting at work and looking for new music. My Grateful Dead station is my favorite so far, as I sit back and get into heady tunes when I write some of the unfunniest “comedy” the world has ever seen. It’s great.


Six Songs

“Something Pretty” Patrick Park
This dude’s voice sometimes gets on my nerves (especially when he starts belting it out in the third verse). But there is something achingly endearing about saying to a woman, “Now show me something pretty.” If I were high, I could write a 1500 word discourse on the word “pretty” and how, since as children it’s the first word that we learn to describe beauty, it carries a more significant weight and therefore (I would argue) is much more poetic than any of its synonyms. I might also go into how in this particular line the juxtaposition of the harsh command (“Now show me”) and its soft object (“something pretty”) is particularly, well, pretty. But my fucking drug dealer got arrested last week, so I ain’t high.

“Showdown” ELO
Never has there been a song that is at once so ridiculous, so overly dramatic, and so totally fucking awesome at the same time (“It’s raining all over the world/Tonight, the longest night”). Every time I hear this song, it pumps me up. It’s like my personal Rocky theme.

(And yes, I know it was used in “Kingpin”, a very underrated movie. I just saved myself from having to read about 50 emails telling me this. Score for me.)

“Idiot Boyfriend” Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of ridiculous, when this song came out, I hated it. This is because it was released at the height of Jimmy Fallon’s career, which I would guess was in 2002. I remember because I lived with a girl at that time, and all she talked about was how hot Jimmy Fallon (it was the same time that everyone thought the Strokes were the second coming of Christ, if Christ were a really great band).

But I heard this song recently, I had no animosity toward it. I even kind of liked it. And I realized that the reason why I like it now and not then is not because my musical tastes have changed, but Jimmy Fallon is no longer “hot”. It’s not like his career is over, but let’s face it, once SNL brought in the post-Will Ferrell shit fest and he left to do the taxi movie with Queen Latifah, well, let’s just say I don’t think that girl I lived with is talking about him every day anymore.

Still a dumb song, but marginally funny, with a nice hook. Next.

“Out To Get You” James
A must for any make out mix. Trust me on this, since I make out with chicks all the time. I just made out with one like five minutes. And yes, she was hot. We had lunch together and went for a walk and then she was all like, “When are you gonna kiss me?” and I was all like, “I’m gonna do it now – how does that suit you?” and she was all like, “It suits me just fine” and then we made out for like a minute and a half. Wicked.

“Vicky Verky” Squeeze
I can’t tell you what this song is about, since Glenn Tilbrook sings so damn fast. But it’s a really catchy, lovely 80’s Brit pop rock tune. I don’t know why more people don’t know about or appreciate Squeeze. They are an incredible band, one of my top five favorites (seriously).

“I’ll Make It Clear” Teenage Fanclub
While we’re at it, another British pop rock band. This song, all two minutes and thirty-three seconds of it, just may be perfect. Listen to it once. Listen to it again. If you’re not at least humming along the second time around, something is seriously wrong with you.


Back in Philly now for a buddy’s birthday drinking tour tonight. I don’t like to hype things, especially on here (lest I get too pressured to do something ridiculous and write about it here on Monday), but this should be a good one. I’m not saying something outrageous is going to happen, but I’ll make a few predictions:

1) I’ll get too drunk.
2) I will spend well over $100.
3) I will have a massive hangover the next day.
4) I will be miserable.
5) I will say things like, “I’m retiring from drinking.”
6) Eight hours later, I will be drunk.

I’m pretty sure I can go 6-for-6 here.

[Have a good weekend.]

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