Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
 
various sales pitches and links
Like many fat guys, I have been frustrated in the past with hipster-type t-shirts. Urban outfitters started with fad with those state t-shirts (“Idaho – No, You Da Ho!” and “New Jersey: Only The Strong Survive”). Though I thought that some were funny, I was disappointed when I bought them, since a XL at Urban Outfitters is like a medium Hanes t-shirt, made for someone who’s 6’0” and 170 pounds.

But then, a buddy sent along a link to this site. Not only does the model on the home page have the most gigantic and wonderful mambas I’ve ever seen, but the shirt are actually funny. When I saw the “Sex Panther” one (as in the “Sex Panther” cologne from “Anchorman”), I knew it had to be mine. So I took a risk and ordered an XXL.

And – goodness gracious – it fits. Typically, I fall somewhere between XXL and XL, but I usually get XL because that second “X” can really do damage to the self-esteem. But with these types of shirts you have to get a little bigger, because they run small. I am ok with that in this case. Especially because now I have a “Sex Panther” t-shirt that many of my friends have complimented me (because we all know that I need lots of encouragement).

I also like the “Magnum”, “Ramirez”, and “Freshmen” shirts. So go buy some stuff and tell ‘em Jason sent you and maybe they’ll send me the whole collection.

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New Year’s Eve parties always suck. There’s too much pressure involved as people scramble around trying to pick a lame bar at which to ring in the New Year. It’s usually a lot of stress, a lot of hype, and very little fun.

Well, some friends of mine have sorted out this dilemma and really up’ed the ante for New Year’s Eve, renting a 210 foot yacht with four levels, three dance floors, and ten bars for a New Year’s Eve booze cruise (and a staff of 60).

I’m putting this link up for you guys because:

1) NYC New Year’s Eve usually sucks. I know these guys and they are not cheesedicks and do NOT fuck around when it comes to partying.

2) Many of you have emailed both this year and in the past about what to do in NYC for New Year’s Eve (both out-of-towners and NYCers alikes).

3) My friend Terry has his number on here. Feel free to call him and ask him about me and my genitals.

I don’t know how many tickets are left, but I know it sold out very quickly last year. So if you’re looking for something to do in NYC on New Year’s Eve, in my professional (boozehound) opinion, you’re not going to get any better than $150 for 4.5 free hours of booze and appetizers on a giant yacht cruising around Manhattan.

(And to answer your question, no, I will not be there. I spend every New Year’s Eve in Philly because of the Mummer’s Parade on New Year’s Day. But if I were here, this is what I’d do.)

(And really, call Terry. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you with any questions about the booze cruise or otherwise.)

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Two moustache-related items (one for charity, one for art).

The first is “Moustaches for Kids.” Basically, you get a sponsor, you grow a moustache, and all proceeds go to charities for kids. Every week they get together at a bar to check on progress, get drunk, and talk about what a good idea this is (and I mean that in a sincere way – it’s a very good idea). If you’re in NYC and interested, Shaving Day is tomorrow (Thursday). Check the website for details.

I would be all about this, but I’m already growing a moustache for the sake of art. A friend is making a documentary about guys under 30 growing moustaches called “The Glorius Mustache Challenge.” If you dig around the website, you’ll see what it’s about: trying to make the moustache cool once again for people our age (or my age, depending how old you are). Currently, I am on Day 15 (of 28) of my moustache and I’d say the length right now could be best described as “Black High School Kid Who Hasn’t Shaved in Five Days.” Needless to say, I look ridiculous. As it continues to grow, I will keep you abreast of its progress. Which will hopefully be quick. Because I really look very silly. But, as I said before, we all suffer for our art, don’t we?

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I promise this is all the pimping I’ll do for a while (for this week at least). Although if the right product comes along, I’m willing to align myself with it. Pretty soon you’re going to see me on television at 3:30am doing an information for “The BEST Pet Euthanizer on the Market: Doggie Die 3000.” But hey, those things pay like $60 an hour and have free catering. A man’s gotta eat, you know?



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