Everything is wrong with me
Friday, November 11, 2005
 
eotw, JC and TV, pics, TO, myspace, music, BC
Another Email of the Week. Susannah from Melbourne writes in:

Dear Jason,

I have been reading your site pretty much every day for a while now and today I was looking at some of your old posts (...actually I was trying to find the post which relays the story of your 'friend' who was trying to hook up with a girl from work and spectacularly failed due to an unfortunate reference to a coathanger cos a friend and I were chatting about it last night and couldn't remember the details of the story - ever considered a search this site function??)

Anyway, as I was reading the posts I was reminded that on a couple of occasions you have mentioned a long-distance girlfriend you had during college. It seems that you were still trying to pick up other girls while dating this long-distance girlfriend.

I have been a "long-distance" girlfriend in the past and my ex wasn't big on the whole monogomy thing either - it's from this perspective that I'm wondering whether you think guys have an "out of sight out of mind" gene that precludes fidelity when your girl is temporarily away. I guess I'm wondering whether this long-distance thing ever works (not that I would try it ever ever again). Any thoughts??

Sus

p.s. I'm not being all judge-y - I don't know what arrangement with this girl, I'm just curious.
Before I get into the email, I want to say that I don’t know a single person who was in a long distance relationship in the past and would be involved in one again. Of course, I know that I wouldn’t even hear someone say, “Well, what I’m really looking for is a long distance relationship,” because people just don’t say that. But it seems that those previously in long distance relationship are entirely averse to one ever happening again. I know that I felt this way after mine eventually ended, and so if faced with a girlfriend that was forced to move away, I’d rather cut ties with her and carry on than do long distance. Of course, this would never work; if I had a girlfriend who moved away, I’d most likely follow her and sleep in my car outside her place until the authorities got involved. But let’s not get sidetracked.

I’m answering this email because a few people who read this site have asked me about this in the past, saying something to the effect that, “You mentioned cheating on your long distance girlfriend in college. This is surprising, both because you seem like a nice guy but also someone not capable of getting much action. Please explain.” So I’ll explain and then I’ll answer Susannah’s question.

I had two long distance girlfriends in college. The first was during my sophomore and junior years, the second during junior/senior years (no overlap). With the first, I was faithful. I’m not sure if this was out of the goodness of my heart or because I didn’t have many other options. I like to think it was the former, but if I know myself, it’s gotta be the latter.

I’m pretty sure that the second girlfriend and I had an unspoken “Don’t ask/Don’t tell” policy when it came to hooking up. This was never expressly stated, but it’s certainly what I operated under (and I’m fairly certain she did too). We did this because we were both in our final year of college and didn’t want to be held back by the other person, 500 miles away. But again, this was never stated; just strongly implied.

We never talked about this, because we learned how destructive it could be. She asked me once if I had kissed anyone else. I said yes. The next day, she called me to brag about making out with two guys at the bar the previous night. Sweet. Not as sweet as the time I got a call from my buddy who went to the same college as her, telling me (“friend to friend”) that my girlfriend had hooked up on several occasions with his roommate. That was TOTALLY awesome. To be fair, I was hooking up with others as well. I was just better at hiding it.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m airing dirty laundry here; our relationship ended many years ago and we haven’t spoken much since. I suppose that I’m writing all this to clear my good name and illustrate that I wasn’t “cheating” per se but rather playing the hand I was dealt (see? I’m totally a nice guy – mostly). Of course, like I said, the relationship ultimately ended. She and I dated for a few years long distance but last less than two months in the same city. I think this was because we had never actually been a “couple” and so struggled with this once we were in the same city. It’s easy to be nice and get along one weekend a month. Hell, I think I could get along with pretty much anybody for a weekend if we were having sex. But when you have to do be nice every day…well, that’s a different story.

Now onto Susannah’s query as to whether guys have an “out of sight/out of mind” mentality with girlfriends.

Here’s the general rule when it comes to guys and cheating: it is impossible to tell which guys cheat and which guys don’t. In my time I’ve come across guys who are entirely faithful and those who fuck everything that moves. You can know a guy who seems devoted to his girlfriend, commits public displays of affection and talks baby talk, and then you get five beers in him and he’s banging the 52 year-old waitress in the bar bathroom. Conversely, you can know a guy who goes to strip clubs three times a month and spends $10,000 a year on lap dances but doesn’t even consider cheating on his girlfriend.

What I’m trying to say that it’s impossible to generalize and make a sweeping statement like “All guys believe in ‘out of sight/out of mind.’” Cheating is an individual choice that takes into account a number of variables (most importantly, having the option to cheat – like Chris Rock jokes, “Man is only as faithful as his options.”)

Long distance is not an exception to this, as long as it’s still an exclusive relationship. If a guy wants to cheat (and he can), he’s going to. If he doesn’t, he’s not.

I know this may sound like a cop out and you’re probably thinking, “Thank you Captain Obvious”, but what I said is important and true: you can’t generalize with guys and cheating. It’s an individual choice. And that’s really it.

[And now I have to answer phone calls/emails from my buddies saying, “Dude, any time you write a post about cheating, don’t even HINT about me in the post. You know [girlfriend] reads your crap, and now for the next month I’m going to have to answer her questions about cheating. So thanks for that. Asshole.”]

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I don’t know if Jesus watches “Trading Spouses”, but I certainly hope He didn’t catch this week’s episode.

If you’re not familiar with “Trading Spouses”, well, it sounds like what it is. One family sends their mom to another family in exchange for that family’s mom for a week (or weekend or whatever). Hilarity ensues as the new mom tries to adjust to living with the new family. Naturally, the moms are polar opposites: sweet Chinese American Mom swapping with Punk Rock Mom, Poor Mom switching with Rich Mom, Handicapped Mom switching with Fitness Instructor Mom, etc. In this week’s episode they had an Ultra-Christian Mom trading places with a New Age Mom.

I don’t normally watch this show, but I saw the previews during the week and Tivo’ed it. These previews showed the Ultra-Christian Mom in a living room screaming at the top of her lungs about “Jesus” and “sweet name of Jesus” and telling the camera crew to get out of her house. As an added bonus, this woman was about 500 pounds. So it was a no-brainer for the Tivo.

I finally watched it last night and was not disappointed. The Ultra-Christian Mom (UCM from here on out) spent the week with her adopted family complaining about just about everything, refusing to even talk to her “husband” about his beliefs, reading the Bible, and trying to convert everyone to Christianity. I don’t know what the record was for using the word “Jesus” on primetime television, but she easily shattered it. The climax of the show occurred when she returned to her real family and essentially had a nervous breakdown in front of the cameras. She started screaming about Jesus and how she’s a warrior of god and about the “dark side” that her adopted family represented (the husband was an astrologist, the mother a hypnotherapist, and the kids didn’t believe in god). I regret that I can’t do it justice here, but trust me, it was spectacular. Nothing like seeing a gigantic Southern woman invoking the name of Jesus with a fervor that would give most people her size a heart attack.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against Jesus. I was raised Irish Catholic, so I’m down with JC. Sure, we’ve had some problems in the past, but it’s been smooth sailing for the most part. But I wonder what Jesus would think about this woman using his name all over national television while carrying on like a total lunatic. I can just imagine Jesus, sitting in His chair up in heaven, eating a sandwich, watching “Trading Spouses” and screaming, “Oh – come on! Come on! [stands up] Stop it! [throwing His Pepsi can at television] Damn it!”

All I can say is that this woman set Christianity back many, many years. I wasn’t sure if she was from the 21st century or one of the participants in the Salem Witch Trials. Like many big city liberals, I’m not into the whole evangelical thing. And the way that this woman acted (or perhaps how Fox sought to portray this woman) was very damaging to her beliefs. Again, she acted like a stone cold crazy person. I really wish I had a video of her breakdown, but that would require going to Google and typing and that’s a lot of extra work (especially since I’m not at home and stealing wireless right now and my connection is crap).

Don’t really know where I’m going with this and thinking that I’m going to have to chalk it up to “I guess you had to be there”, so I think I’ll stop. But I know that at least a handful of you saw the show and are thinking, “You know what – he’s totally right. I just want to do him.” So my job is done.

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Thank you for all the pictures of the Panthers cheerleaders. I guess I should be more careful in the future what I wish for in the future because I got a LOT of emails with at least two of the following words in the title: sex, cheerleaders, Panthers, pics, bathroom. The best part is that just about every email from y’all started off with “I bet about 1000 other people sent you this…” In the future, if you think 1000 other people have sent me something, please refrain from sending it.

(Is anyone interested in being my assistant? All you’d have to do is sort through the emails/booby pictures and let me know which are good. The job pays nothing, but you and I can sit around getting high all day. Also, if you’re cute, we can have tickle fights. Please send resume and three references.)

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I don’t know what I can say about the Terrell Owens situation that hasn’t already been said. For a personal standpoint, it makes me sad. Sad because TO is a tremendous athlete and really could have helped the Eagles. It’s more of a shame though. After his performance in the Super Bowl, TO could have run for mayor in Philly. The city was devoted to him. And in less than nine months, he has completely squandered all that affection and the city is universally turned against him. I would make a TO:post-Super Bowl::George Bush:post 9-11 analogy, but I don’t have the energy to read all the emails from the conservatives reading this now.

But the Eagles were 100% right to suspend him for the season. Philly loves someone who plays hard, but Philly hates bitches. So as a Philadelphia fan, speaking for Philadelphia fans, fuck you, TO. You’re 32. You’ll get about 1/3 your current salary next year. And since we know you’re all about money, that’s gotta hurt. So again, fuck you, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

But hey, at least it’s been interesting.

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Well, I asked for it, and you guys brought it. Last week, I complained that I had only a few MySpace friends. I think I had under 20 when I mentioned this, now I have around 350. So thank you. I feel loved.

And not only that (and I don’t mean to get all gay on you here), it’s weird for me to see your pictures. It’s hard to explain, especially because I am pretty messed up right now, but until last week the idea of my “readership” was abstract. Sure, I’ve talked to people in bars who I don’t know who read the site yada yada yada, but seeing all your pictures really freaked me out. For the first time, I realized that people actually read this. Like, actual, real people (some of them pretty good looking, too).



Ok, I just read that last paragraph over and it’s obvious that I am too messed up to articulate anything properly right now. Let’s talk about music before I start writing poetry or some shit.

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Six Songs (get them at id1g1t)

This week’s Six Songs has a theme: “Songs I Want to Fucking Shoot Myself to Because You Broke My Heart You Fucking Crazy Harpy Bitch.” Enjoy!

(Note: this is in no way related to Wednesday’s post, but rather a result of my mood swings. Seriously. I would tell you if it was. Thank you.)

“Red Red Red” Fiona Apple
I should note that it’s impossible for me to give an unbiased review of this song, since I am so desperately in love with Fiona Apple that my stomach hurts whenever I think about her. But if you listen to this song and do not feel considerably worse after listening to it than you did before listening to it, then you either a) are deaf; or b) have no soul. This is the only song I’ve listened to on the album because I’m afraid of what might happen to me if I listen to the others. Crazy, but 100% true.

(And yes, I realize that being involved with someone as crazy as Fiona Apple is an invitation to be destroyed emotionally. But c’mon – we all know there’s nothing more attractive than aloofness and self-destructiveness.)

(God I’m so turned on right now.)

(And so, so sad.)

“Love Is Just A Game” The Magic Numbers
This song (and this band) is amazing. This is now one of my top ten favorite songs of all-time. This is a remarkable achievement whose remarkableness I can not express on paper, but rather only through dancing. You must MUST MUST listen to this song. I can't explain it; sort of like this weird British funk, but a ballad of sadness. A good song to get high to in the tub when depressed. Um, not that I know from experience or anything…

(I think this is also titled “Love’s A Game”, but not 100% on that)

“Just Like Me” that dog
I think I am the only person in America who has heard of this band (and likes them). They broke up only in 1997, but I have not come across anyone else who’s ever even heard of them, aside from the guy who introduced me to them (but he’s in India now, hence the “America” reference). Two chicks, some guitars, a violin, and a cello is always a recipe for sadness, especially when you rip off a line from the Beatles’ “Something” but change it to “Something in the way you move/Distracts me like no other.” Distracting, indeed.

“Magnolia Mountain” Ryan Adams
I know, I know – you’re probably surprised that Ryan Adams wrote a sad song. I was shocked too, but believe it or not, it’s pretty good. Over the chorus, he begs “Lie to me/Like I lie to you/Hold me down until the morning comes.” Pretty, pretty heavy. I don’t really know what the song is about, but it makes me sad. So that’s all I’ll say about it.

“Goodbye My Lover” James Blunt
Part of me, when I hear this song, wants to grab this guy, shake him, slap him in the face, and say, “Dude - fucking pull it together!” It's a song about lost love, but it's way too emotional (“You touched my heart you touched my soul/You changed my life and all my goals/And love is blind and that I knew when/My heart was blinded by you” – ugh. Sounds like something a sixteen year-old scribbled to his ex-girlfriend in History class).

That being said, if I were ever heartbroken enough and high enough, I think I could sit in a hotel room and cry to this song for about a week and a half straight. But this is probably less because of the song and more because I have the emotional depth, experience, and control of a thirteen year-old fat girl. Yep. Pretty much.

“33” Smashing Pumpkins
I mean, this is a really pretty song, right? Billy Corgan extolls over dreamy flanged-up guitars, “I'll make the effort/Love can last forever” and “Graceful swans of never/Topple to the earth/Tomorrow's just an excuse/You can make it last forever.” And it makes me want to throw up.

Chuck Klosterman, in his seminal work “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs”, espouses a theory that (roughly) states that certain elements of popular culture (movies, music, etc), by creating the myth of perfect love, are ruining countless relationships. Since I’m pretty high right now and could start crying at any moment, maybe I should defer to Dave Attell to further illustrate this point:

I think it’s hard for you ladies, you know, because you go see these movies and think these Brad Pitt’s and Will Smith’s and Leonardo DiCapricock’s are gonna come waltzing off the screen into your life, taking you out all fancy to like an Olive Garden or Pizzeria Uno or something, and make love to you with a condom without fingering your asshole, and then call you within a week – well wake up! They don’t have the time. I do.
People our age are constantly seeking perfection from a mate when it isn’t going to happen. I’m not saying that everyone should just settle for whomever, but I’m saying we need to work less on finding “The One” and more on finding “The One Pretty Close To The One Who’s Better Than The Others.” Then we can spend the rest of our lives adjusting this person to fit our ideal. I mean, relationships are work people! Love isn’t a vacation, it’s a vocation! Damn it!

Anyway, this song makes me pukey because it’s so happy/lovey/rosey because nothing lasts forever. Or something.

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Off to Boston to get drunk at a BC football game (read: get so drunk I don’t realize that there is even a football game going on). Have a good weekend.



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