Everything is wrong with me
Monday, November 28, 2005
a cordial moustache-related invitation
As I have mentioned before, I am growing a moustache for art. The incomparable Jay Della Valle has asked me to take part in an interesting social experiment, namely growing a ‘stache and taking pictures of it for his documentary. Since I don’t have much else to do and am always willing to embarrass myself and/or make myself less attractive to women, I agreed.

The results have been spectacular. I had a moustache once before, for a few days in the beginning of 2005. But when I had that ‘stache, I was rocking the beard. So I shaved off my beard, leaving the ‘stache, and voila – I looked like a molester (I later used my moustache picture in the Metro and Gelf Magazine articles).

But this time, the moustache had to be grown sans any other facial hair for 28 days. I am currently on Day 26 and it has been an odyssey to say the least. Below is a brief chart that delineates the progress of my moustache:

* Days 1 though 3: Nothing. Smooth as a baby’s behind.
* Days 4 though 7: Light dirt appears on upper lip; friends start to notice and are creeped out, but go back to smoking bowls and forget about it.
* Days 8 though 13: Co-workers and acquaintances do double takes upon seeing the shady ‘stache, but are too afraid to ask what the hell I’m doing. I start to feel strangely proud of the ‘stache.
* Days 14 through 17: The “16 Year-Old Puerto Rican” Phase – strangers give double takes, friends say things like “Dude, you still have that moustache? Nasty.” and women refuse to make contact for fear of being assaulted.
* Days 18 through 23: Family members and small children are frightened. Strangers feel uncomfortable in my presence (i.e. in elevators, standing next to me at bars, when I appear from the subway tracks and follow them home, etc).
* Days 24 though 28: Full-fledged ‘stache. I look like a criminal, and I’m totally ok with that.

The film, The Glorius Mustache Challenge, will premiere December 15. But this Wednesday, there is a Mustache March in New York City. And I want you all to come. Here is an excerpt from the email that Jay sent to his moustache compadres:

Here is the MUSTACHE MARCH GAME PLAN: On Wednesday night--we will congregate (that means assemble) at Union Square (across from Whole Foods)- at 7:45/8:00 PM. I will be giving out "Glorius Mustache T-Shirts" and we will have all sorts of "Rally Signs" to make this look good. We will march (proudly and courageously) down Broadway to 147 Bleecker Street, otherwise known to Rock N' Roll history, as the Bitter End. There, at precisely 10pm, the March will end. All those interested in more fun can come inside, where we will celebrate December, drink to the mustache, and sing and dance to the songs of "Della Valle," If that doesn't sound like a good night....

Please encourage all men to NOT shave their upper lips. Bring just your mustaches!! At this point--I don't care if it's real or fake--or if you draw it on with a sharpie. Even dirt staches are welcome. Just help us make the news!!! We will reward your efforts!!! :)

Please forward this email to anyone you think may be interested in coming. We look forward to seeing you soon.

Mustache March
Wednesday November 30-
Time: 7:45/8pm at UNION SQUARE (South End)

To clear a few things up:

1) I support this because I like the idea of dozens (maybe even hundreds) of people with moustaches coming together. Also, this has already gotten considerable media attention. So my motivation is actually selfish as I’m going to try to get on the news. More specifically, I’m going to try to get one of my testicles on the news. I’m pretty confident that I can do this.

2) Women are more than welcome to attend. Any sort of support for the ‘stache is appreciated by both Jay and I, even though he spells it “mustache” and I prefer “moustache”. If you can throw on a fake moustache or already have one, bring it and wear it with pride.

3) I’ll be there. I don’t usually like to tell y’all where I’m going to be when I go out, because I am very disappointing in real life and don’t want to hurt you. But if you want to have a few minutes of awkward and regrettable conversation, then come on down. I promise you will leave completely unsatisfied. And if you can’t find me, I’m the guy crying in the bathroom.

So this Wednesday, be at the south end of Union Square. Bring your moustache and/or moustache pride and walk with us down to the Bitter End. And yes, I’m being paid per head as to how many people I can bring. And no, you can’t have a cut.

(Holiday weekend recap coming tomorrow)

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