Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, October 13, 2005
 
re: nicknames
A crapload of emails. That’s what I got from you all after yesterday’s nickname post. Thank you to everyone who wrote in, because now I don’t have to come up with an original post. This is a good thing, since I was up very late last night waiting for the mouse stuck in my wall to die so it would stop scratching. It kicked the bucket (or at least stop scratching) just after 3am, the brave lil’ bastard.

Below is what I thought were the best of the bunch. I couldn’t include everyone’s responses (I tried to keep this post around 3000 words), nor could I answer everyone’s emails. But again, thank you. Some of these are really f’in’ hilarious.

[I would like to point out that three separate emailers submitted the nickname “HorseFace Killer”, after the second chubbiest and arguably raunchiest member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Ghostface Killah. Three may not sound like a lot, but I find it interesting that three different girls at three different colleges looked so much like a horse that they were called Horseface Killer. Astonishing, really.]

I’ll let the rest of the emails speak for themselves, but I should say that this first one, from a Catholic school teacher in Queens, is probably one of the top five emails I’ve ever gotten.

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Hey Jason,
I am an 8th Grade Catholic School teacher and my colleagues and I find cryptic nicknames indispensable when discussing (okay- insulting) the students while in crowded halls. Below is a list of some favorites:

Vili Vanilli – given to a male student who is the White version (hence “Vanilli”) of Vili Fulauu, the pint-sized Casanova who successfully seduced his teacher, Mary Kay Letorneau. While I can proudly say that all female staff members, including myself, have thus far managed to spurn his advances, it hasn’t stopped the pervy pubescent from constantly finding excuses to hover over our desks for cleavage shots or from bragging that he knows how to “treat a lady- if you know what I mean”- and I am afraid that I do.

Firestarter- an incredibly creepy girl who caresses her pocket-sized stapler like she is assessing its many uses as a murder weapon. When given a failing grade she simply stares at me over the paper as if imagining my death AND as if by imagining my death she can make it happen.

Color Me Badd- 50% wigger, 50% guido – 100% fashion victim, he sports diamond-stud earrings in both ears and wears white button down shirts open to reveal a wife-beater tee and a crucifix medallion larger than the one they actually hung Jesus on. Name derived from the horribly cheesy 90’s one-hit wonder. When this student walks past us, my fellow teachers and I are prone to sing “uh tick tock ya don’t stop”. The poor bastards are too young to appreciate the reference.

The Closeted Quarterback- the most popular boy in school who also happens to enjoy a lingering hug with certain male friends and occassionally paints his nails a bright pink for “comic purposes” only. Sadly the joke’s on him, because although his innocent, naïve classmates are not savvy enough to spot a closet case when they see one- my co-workers and I are convinced that once he heads off to college on football scholarship, an unexpectedly erotic locker room encounter will finally set him free.

I currently have a total of 120 students and disparaging nicknames for the vast majority of them. When you were in school did you ever wonder if your teachers sat around making fun of you and your classmates when you weren’t around? Well – we do- and we’re ruthless. But hey, what they don’t know won’t hurt them and it helps to keep a keen sense of humor when dealing with over 100 teenagers for less than
$30,000 a year!

(Peggy in Queens, NY)

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I used to know a girl who we referred to as Six Pack. She got this nickname when it was found out that on spring break she had a foursome with 3 dudes. My friends and I got to talking about how she had 6 balls on her at one time and the nickname was born. So one time I slipped up and called her 6 pack to her face. When she asked why I called her that I quickly made up a lie, and told her its because she parties so hard, and can drink like a champ(which she couldn't). Thats probably why she ended up getting railed by 3 dudes at once. She bought it and thought that we were complimenting her. So from then on out we started calling her 6 pack to her face, and while she was proud of her new nickname we were laughing our asses off behind her back.

(Brian in Chicago)

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My friends and I used to call this girl "One Headlight" after the Wallflowers song, which was very popular at the time. We named her thusly because one of her nipples was always hard and protruding while the other remained limp and inverted. This one was doubly-satisfying because it was not only a nickname, but a soundtrack as well that me and my buddies sang whenever this girl walked into a room. Whenever she entered a party, one of us would start in with the "bump-ba-da-bump-ba-da" bassline that begins the song. Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny when timed right.

(John in Los Angeles)

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Fanny Pack- I dated this guy briefly who had really bad diabetes, so he had a really small tube permanently inserted into his pancreas or something enzymey like that, and the other end was attached to a little machine that could regulate his insulin, which he carried in a fanny pack so it could be near his body. Everyone made fun of him for wearing a fanny pack, and when I told them why he had to wear it, it somehow didn't make it less funny. Moral of this story? Fanny packs are fucking hilarious.

(Jen in NYC)

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My husband shared this nickname with me and I was horrified by the imagery. Apparently a girl in college was called GC which stood for Giant Clam. I'm sure that's not very original, however when the fellas talked about her they would equate screwing her to screwing a giant bowl of warm oatmeal. EWWWWW!!!

(Mary in Great Falls, MT)

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Back Door Ninja:
When I lived in Kansas City, I had a roommate that lived in the finished basement. He was the type of guy that would bring chicks home and not talk about it. But, we always knew it was happening because there was always the inevitable walk of shame the next morning that we would all witness. But, he had this one girl that came over all the time that no one had ever seen. She always came in through the back door that led to the basement. She would service my room mate, then leave undetected. We always knew when she was there by her car out front. So, we'd always try to catch a glimpse of her coming or going, but was like a fucking ninja. She would strike undetected then leave like the wind. Always through the back door.

(Agdeez in NYC)

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Real whore at a small liberal arts institution in upstate New York. She fucked 7 out of a possible 22 fraternity brothers. She had a penchant for coke, ritalin, booze and cartons of cigarettes. She also loved too get it in the arse. Wouldn't give head, and completely shunned missionary, straight on down to the dirthole. Unfortunately for her she was also a real pain in one as well. Hence, 'Anus the Menace' was born. She is now married...to a guy that did not go to school with us.

(Larry in Boston)

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"Dirty J": Stunning similarity to your "dirt hole" hoe. An older member of the frat's little sister who had slept with AT LEAST 13 members (including yours truly). No denying she was sexy, she also wound up with a boyfriend who had no idea about her horrible rep.

"Merry Mellons": hottest chick at our school. massive double d's, hot face, super rich boyfriend....damn.

(Scott in South Fla)

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This nickname might seem really fucking lame, but there was a guy who lived across the street from some of my buddies that we called Joey Elimidate. I have no idea what the guy's real name was (or even if Joey was his real first name), but this guy used to come over at like 5am, give us weed and other drugs, and just kinda hang out. Nobody really knew him, but he had no other friends (and he gave us free drugs), so we tolerated him. His nickname was given to him because, if you've ever seen the show Elimidate, you know what kind of pieces of shit appear on that show, what with their douchebag jokes and trendy-ass outfits. If ever someone was bred to be on that terrible show, it was Mr. Joey Elimidate. What a massive tooljob.

(Mark in St. Louis)

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The Fungus Among Us
Roommate of a friend freshman year in college. They guy never cleaned up his dishes or did the laundry, he just stuffed it all under the bed. When he went back home one weekend, the mattress was pulled back to reveal all sorts of gross organisms gaining consciousness, hence, the nickname. Moreover, the particularly nice assonance of this nickname really helped it to stick.

(Brian in Santa Rosa, CA)

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Long story short my buddy was getting it on with this chick who was really into butt-play. Anyway according to him she wanted to stick some things up there but he wasn't down with that. She was disappointed and then asked if she could at least "go down" there and explore herself. Not wanting to screw up a sure thing, he agreed.

Now here's where things get a little more gross. He hadn't showered for a few days like many college boys are prone to do. So she went down there and started licking around and sticking her tongue in his ass. Well that didn't last long as she quickly got a taste of some, oh how do I put this, "leftovers".

Needless to say that pretty much killed the deal and she left very disgusted. Our buddy didn't really have anything to worry about with having something go around campus about him since this chick wasn't going to go running around to other chicks starting out a story "so I was eating this guy's ass...". That wouldn't have done her any favors for her rep.

But anyways from that day forward we refered to her as "Brownie Backwash" or "Double B" or "BB". That phrase actually has its own definition on urbandictionary.com . So here it is:

"The slight taste of shit that one tastes when rimming the anus of another person."
And the rest is history...

(Matt in St. Louis Park, MN)

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Jason-
After reading your blog about college nicknames, I was reminiscing back to a time in college when one of my friends brought a guy back to her place for a little action. Well, after about one minute of kissing he rolled over and said, "Will you give me a hand-job with lotion"? That's right--HIS SENIOR YEAR and he's askin' for a bj with lotion. Of course, my friend obliged-she went into her bathroom and curiously wondered, "scented, un-scented, glittery, etc". Needless to say he was forever mentioned amongst our group as Lotion. And the kicker? He was the senior speaker at college graduation. Pretty sure Lotion got tons of laughs during his commencement speech........

(Erin in Atlanta)

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The Phantom Pisser (aka PP, The Golden Ninja): Yet another dumb freshman. Cute, blonde, nice boobs....she was a girl that most guys wouldn't think twice about putting the screws to. However, early on in her first semester, it became widely known that she liked to piss in a dude's bed after sex. While a rumor at its best, it was not quantified until my buddy Chris plowed her and she promptly pissed the bed 15 minutes after falling asleep, and he kicked her out. Fast forward to the next weekend. We're having a party at my house and my roommate is kicking game to the Golden Ninja. I say nothing because my roommate had the uncanny ability to turn off even the most retarded of girls. Towards the end of the night, most people have gone and I walk into my room to find She of Weak Urethra and Bladder chomping on my roommate's bit. I excuse myself and frantically wave for my roommate to come out and talk to me. Not to be a cockblock, but to warn him. I tell him what happened to Chris, with Chris standing right next to me backing me up, and my roommate waves me off and goes back to the room. Fast forward to the next morning when I walk into my room (I have no idea where I slept that night) to find my buddy scrubbing his mattress with solvent and his sheets piled on the floor. Before I could say anything, he looks to me and says "I know, I know. Go fuck yourself." Since then, she was the Golden Ninja or Phantom Pisser.

(Matty Mac in Boston)

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Gorilla Spice - Chubby, hairy, but still insisted on wearing tight, clubby clothes all the time. Not pleasant.

Man Face - self explanatory, and not that funny or original. But it spawned ...

Son of Man Face - much funnier, I think. She did in fact look younger but eerily similar to Man Face.

Trash Bag and Twist Tie - two inseperable girls. Trash Bag must have banged 50% of the entire male student body. Twist Tie, as sidekicks often will be, was not worth the effort. Somehow then entire campus knew when Trash Bag got a urinary tract infection. Maybe because half the campus shared her pain.

Cunty Munchinez - The c-word ain't pleasant, but it was actually a group of girls that gave this nickname to another girl (whose last name is Martinez) when they found out she enjoyed going down on women. More power to her, I say.

(James in Chicago)

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the cade (as in barricade)

this girl was very big. we threw lots of parties. there was one area in our house that was a tight fit. on your way to the bathroom, you had to shimmy between the kitchen counter and tv. we had a huge tv. anyway the cade stood there every party the entire party. we got annoyed to calling her the cade to her face.

(Keith in Philly)

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Growing up (i.e. ages 17-22 or so), I spent my summers in the poconos, with a bunch of friends who also had family members up there. Because of the relatively small amount of people, this led to parties consisting of anyone b/w the ages of 16 and 30. (And yes, this did lead to many instances of underage illegal sexual activity.) Anyway, to allow us to talk about all girls, and the whole culture in general, out loud, we developed an entire analogy based on the NBA. For example, everyone partying and over the age of 16 made up "the league." Girls were "hoopers," guys were "GMs." It was a guy's duty to "sign" top notch "hoopers" (i.e. hook up with the hottest chicks.) A 10-day contract was a random hook up, a longer term contract was dating, and a lifetime contract was marriage (i.e. the celtics kept paying Bird even after he was retired). It got so big that each girl had a name of an NBAer who they were similar too. Some examples; Michael Jordan (the best of all time), Michael Olawokandi (highly drafted, ended up sucking, meaning this girl was hot as hell at age 15, and ended up gross), Dennis Rodman (only served one purpose on the court, rebounding, just as this girl only had one good trait, tits), well you get the point. It extended to "college hoopers" which were girls ages 13-15, who GMs would "scout" and prepare to sign in future years when they entered the league. If these girls were hit on before the age of 16, this was deemed illegal recruiting. This analogy goes far far far far beyond what I just described, but no way you'll read this email if i make it that long. You probably wont read it even with this length, but thought i'd pass it along.

(Mike in NYC)

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3BC - Three Beers Clear - Not only could you give this girl three beers and score, but after you had drunk three beers, scoring with her seemed like a good idea. At any other time, unattractive and uninteresting. I never took the bait, although a friend of mine did.

FAS Danny - This poor dick had eyes that were so far apart that he looked like a fish with blonde hair. When we found out that one of the symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was indeed "wide-set eyes," FAS Danny was born. It was especially funny if you threw in a joke about his mom's alcoholism. (She must be right? Look at her son for god's sake.) We're going to hell.

BBK - Big Boobs Kate - My god Kate's boobs were big. She was about 5'7" with a size zero waist and DD knockers that bulged through even the most forgiving sweaters and hoodies. I gave her a topless back massage once with oil. She lay facedown and topless, so I never actually got to see them. I'd still kill a nun for the chance though.

Moses - This poor bastard had sex with a girl on the rag and then came back to the dorm and bragged about it. We never let him live that one down. (Moses parted the red sea...)

(Mike in Grand Rapids, Michigan)

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Doubleheader
Adding validity to your "be careful what you do in those first few weeks of college" theory, Doubleheader blew a dude on the top bunk in a room on my dorm hall September of frosh year while his roommate "slept" on the bottom bunk. On her way out the door to clean up, bottom bunk guy jokingly asked Doubleheader if he could get a beejer too. She agreed, blew him and then left without saying a word. For the rest of college, whenever we saw her we said behind her back, "it looks like a fine day to play two."

National Geographic
It was well documented that this girl had floppy saggy boobs and massive nipples. She resembled one of those 3rd world natives on the cover of National Geographic that we used to ogle at in the school library in 5th grade.

Gary Busey
At some point in the mid 90's I saw Gary Busey rambling incoherently on a late night talk show and was suspicious of his sanity. About 6 years ago, before the modern media confirmed my theory that Gary Busey is bat-shit crazy from coke, our frosh dorm was blessed with our own female version of Gary Busey. This insane girl, who vaguely looked like Gary Busey (granted, the resemblance was more striking after witnessing her train wreck exploits), would crush and snort just about anything for a high; coke, Aderol, Ritalin, acne medication, Fun Dip, Flintstones vitamins, you name it. Odds were strong to quite strong that she would be incoherent, disheveled and YAO'd out when you saw her on the weekends. During the week, when she was sober and straight edge, we called her FBI Agent Angelo Pappas.

(Ted in DC)



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