Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
This past weekend I went to Boston. The occasion was the Boston College vs. University of Virginia football game on Saturday afternoon. I didn’t go up for the sport of the game, though. I traveled 200 miles so that I could get drunk in a field. My parents must be so proud.

[By the way, next time I come to BC for a game – probably next month – I’m going to arrange for one of you BC students reading this to booze up me and some friends. At this particular game, it rained non-stop and was about 52°, so my friends and I stood soaked, freezing, and buzzed. Thanks god we had a ton of food (including four kinds of encased meats – bless you Danielle) and loads of booze, or else it would have been ugly. So if you’re a BC student reading this and want me to come to your mod, dorm, or apartment to drink during or after a game, drop me a line. But I’m going to piss all over your bathroom and stick your toothbrush in my secret places. Just an FYI.]

But it’s more than just getting drunk before, during, and after a football game. As I’ve alluded to before, tailgating for BC football games is also like a mini-reunion, a chance to see friends that you haven’t seen in a while. Also a chance to see women you borderline stalked in college. But I digress…

And the tailgate/mini-reunion is also a time to take part in one of my favorite pastimes: making fun of people behind their backs. My friends and I did this relentlessly in college, as we ourselves had low self-esteem and needed to make ourselves feel better my tearing down those around us. If you have read this website for any length of time, you can see that I’ve come very far from those days.

One of the best parts or angles of making fun of others is the secret nickname. You know, what you and your friends call a person behind their back, unbeknownst to them (duh). Usually it’s something disparaging and it can be used in front of them, provided the nickname is well-disguised.

In college, my friends and I had tons of nicknames for people, but I find that my NYC friends and I don’t. The reason is simple: at college, there is a set pool of people that everyone (or mostly everyone) has in common. You and your five other roommates either know or are about two degrees of separation away from the weird guy with the hamsters who lives upstairs, the girl in your econ class who once fucked a cabbie on a dare, and the guy who walks around campus wearing a tie and jeans and carries a late 80’s model boombox everywhere. In NYC, this is not the case. A whole group of friends is not spending their days in the same academic buildings, eating in the same cafeterias, and going all together to the same bars. Because there is so little overlap between friends and acquaintances outside of the college environment, the opportunity for shared nicknames is diminished. Sad.

Over this past weekend, my friends and I spent a good deal of time reminiscing about these old nicknames. Sometimes it was because we saw the actual person, other times it was because we ran out of things to talk about and people got tired of me saying how I’m one of the 50 hottest men in the universe. Whatever.

So below are some of our favorite college nicknames. I was going to rank them, but in many cases it’s too close to call, so I’ve listed them alphabetically. Keep in mind, these nicknames were freely bandied about in college and used exclusively to identify that person (i.e. Sara was no longer Sara, except to her face; at all other times, she was Farty Pants). And excluded from the list are all nicknames that have actually names in them. These include Horse Christy (looked like a horse), Ghost Angela (believed in ghosts), Stinky Emma (had a notoriously stinky cooter), Meshugganah Lynn (was crazy), Weird Rob (was weird), Fake Asian Mulgrew (was the Asian version of me), and Herpes Tara (had herpes), among others.

Asian Bombs Construction (aka “ABC” aka “Alpha Tits”)
A name given to a very attractive Asian girl with large breasts, it was christened at a Halloween party my junior year when she showed up wearing a sexy lil’ black dress with a piece of yellow construction tape wrapped around it. This was a typical now-familiar example of a girl using Halloween to look hot/like a whore, but at the time we were very impressed. She was Asian + plus she had bombs + plus the Construction tape. Simple. Her nickname was later shortened to ABC and then to Alpha Tits (Alpha for Alphabet, but Alpha also works well because it implies dominance. Her titties were certainly dominant).

The Bearded Criminal
A wook who worked around campus with the largest beard any 18 year-old has ever had. One day, our friend Steve got very high and laughed for a solid six straight hours about how if that man were to go to jail, he could hide weapons in his beard. And yes, I know this isn’t funny. But the nickname stuck, precisely because we needed to remind Steve about how drugs are dangerous and can render you unfunny.

Dirt Hole
This girl hooked up with at least six of my fifteen or so closest friends and slept with at least three of them. The best part is that late in senior year she started dating a guy at another college who had no idea of her reputation and thus wasn’t aware that I once stood in a room with five other dudes while my buddy stuck a Q-Tip in her butt (hence the Dirt Hole). God I miss college.

Farty Pants
If there is any advice I can give to incoming college freshman, it’s to be careful what you do in those first few weeks. This nickname was given to a girl who, when blowing a buddy of mine in the first week of school, farted in mid-fellating. For the next four years, she was known as Farty Pants and guys generally stayed away, fearing another ass blast during a beejer (of course, I hooked up with her, but was spared any flatulence).

Jesus Christ Buzz Cut
This guy did two things all the time: a) smoke cigarettes; b) look like Jesus Christ with a buzz cut. Huge, huge beard, short, short hair. Nice guy though.

Lou Diamond Food Service
A legend at Boston College, this guy is the head of food operations and thus is always in the cafeteria holding court. Also, he looks exactly like Lou Diamond Phillips. This is a classic for which words can not do justice.

I believed I wrote about her before, briefly. She had a very motherly quality to her, looking like the kind of girl who’d bring you chicken soup when you were sick and knit you a scarf to help you through those cold New England weathers. However, she more than likely gave my buddy genital warts. So don’t judge a book by its cover, I guess.

Pale Horse
Don’t really know the origin of this one, because though pale, the girl in question did not look like a horse. Or maybe I’m just being nice, because we had intercourse in my living room. Whichever, really.

Piss Dawg
As with Farty Pants, be careful of those first few weeks freshman year. This is my buddy’s roommate who one night when very drunk got out of bed in the middle of the night in the dark, took off all his clothes, walked over to the radiator, and pissed all over the window and radiator. My buddy dove out of bed and got my friends and I and we were able to see some of this in action. Piss Dawg was born.

Robert Frost
This is probably my favorite, and certainly the longest lasting. There was a girl in college who was famous for her two fingered handjobs. She didn’t just use two fingers (as opposed to the whole hand), but she rather made a “V” or peace sign with her two fingers and ran them up and down the bird. What is interesting to note is that these handjobs sucked (I didn’t get one, but a few of my friends did), but we later learned that she bragged to her friends about her handjob giving ability. Whatever gets you through the night, sister.

We started calling her “Robert Frost” after we paraphrased the Robert Frost poem “Road Less Traveled” (“Two roads diverged in a wood/And I took the one less traveled by/And that has made all the difference”). This chick’s V-shaped handjobs not only represented a fork in the road, but also her unorthodox style made all the difference (between a good handjob and a bad handjob – and yes, this was early in college when handjobs were still kinda ok).

To this day, we joke about the Robert Frost or Frosting, which is jerking off with the V. All because of this chick’s crappy handjobs and our relentless pursuit to beat every joke to death (no pun intended).

Somethin' Ain't Right
On paper, this girl was perfect: about 5’10”, blond, blue-eyed, in great shape. But looking at her, one couldn’t help but think “somethin’ ain’t right”. It was as though God was in a rush and though he had all the right ingredients, he just threw them all together in a huff and ran to his dentist appointment. The result was a certain intangible flaw that could not be pinpointed, but existed nonetheless.

(My apologies to this woman’s now-husband, who is more than likely reading this right now.)

Titty Mama
One of my roommates was enamored with this chick all throughout college. She was only about five feet tall and 100 pounds, but 80% of her size was her gigantically disproportionate breasts. Sadly, she drove a Jetta and hung around with athletes, so Titty Mama was way out of our league.

VR (aka “Voice Recorder” aka “Black Box”)
This is also a pretty good one. This girl was originally called Black Box. This was because a few friends made the dance of love with her and equated her sexy area to that of a seventy year-old black woman’s. Hence, black box. Black Box degenerated to Voice Recorder, because an airplane’s black box is a voice recorder (duh). Eventually, that was whittled down to VR, a nickname completely unrelated to a subpar vulva area.

(Ladies, I hope this stresses the important of lovely and well-kept privates. Thank you.)


And now I’m going to be deluged by about two dozens emails from college friends asking me to reveal the identities of all the nicknames that they aren’t aware of. At least it will give me something to do to pass the afternoon.

And if you all have any good nicknames, email ‘em to me. I’m not sure if I’ll put them on here or not, but when you write, be sure to include your name, location, and if I can use your email. If I get enough good ones, I’ll put them up.

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