Everything is wrong with me
Friday, October 07, 2005
multiple orgasms and Sex Stages
Yesterday, for the first time, I witnessed a man having multiple orgasms on film.

I have spent half my life studying (read: arousing myself to climax to) pornography, but until yesterday I had never seen a man have multiple orgasms on camera. The scene was simple: one man and one woman. I don’t know the name of the man, but the woman was Briana Banks, heir apparent to Jenna Jameson’s throne. They were – surprise, surprise – having sex, when the man pulled out to ejaculate on Briana’s ridiculously large fake breasts (this is known as the “money shot” or the “pop shot”). After he’d emptied the chamber, he did the unthinkable: he started having intercourse again with Briana, and after a few minutes, gave her another pop shot. Twice in a row in under two minutes. I was enthralled and didn’t know whether to cheer or run away. I wound up taking a nap. Go figure.

But it got me thinking about sex (well, I guess I was already thinking about sex when I said to myself, “Why don’t we download some new porn?”, but you get it). But more specifically, it got me thinking about the relationship between orgasms, multiple orgasms, and sex.

Apparently, women can have orgasms. I know – it was news to me too. But allow me to blow your mind further: apparently, women can have more than one orgasm in a short amount of time, sometimes several in a row. I know, I know – I didn’t believe it either. But I looked it up and it’s true (I read a lot). This, cleverly enough, is called “multiple orgasms”.

Men apparently can have multiple orgasms, but it’s much more difficult. Men need time for their bodies (specifically their birds and testes) to recuperate between orgasms. This is called the “refractory period” and it increases with age, so that when you’re 18 you might be able to rub one out again in ten minutes, but when you’re 60 it might take three or four days (because of my obesity, high blood pressure, and general lack of sex drive, it takes me a full season).

However, there is hope for men. In order to achieve multiple orgasms, a man must conscientiously exercise his PC muscles (PC stands for pubococcygeus, easily one of the greatest words in the English language). I can’t tell you where the PC muscle is, but I can tell you that if you’re taking a piss and you can stop your piss mid-stream, then you’re exercising that muscle. Alternatively, if you have a half-boner and can make your bird jump/rise, that’s your PC muscle.

If you want to have multiple orgasms, you’re going to have to work this muscle by practicing Kegel Exercises. But it ain’t gonna be easy. One site suggests:

Simply begin squeezing and releasing your muscle for 2 minutes a day and gradually work your way up to doing it for 20 minutes at least 3 times a day. You should eventually be able to perform at least 200 repetitions per session.

So guys, that’s all you have to do if you want to have multiple orgasms. Just one hour a day or 200 reps clenching your insides. Sounds great.

There’s just one problem: I don’t want to have multiple orgasms. One is just enough for me. One of the best parts of sex is after it’s over, when you get to feel all tired and satisfied and only want a sandwich. If I were capable of multiple orgasms, I’m sure my lady would say, “Hold on a minute – I know you have another one in you. So put down the hoagie and let’s keep going. Eighty-nine seconds is not long enough, mister.”

I think a lot of guys my age would agree with me on this. What’s the point of multiple orgasms, especially when you have to put in so much work to get them? Isn’t this being a little greedy? Wouldn’t this only backfire (no pun intended) in the end? So I’ll stick with one spooge and a nap, thank you very much.

But my lackadaisical attitude towards sex is because of my age and Sex Stage. You see, the male sexual libido/sexual prowess can be broken down into three stages. Using myself as an example, here are Three Sex Stages.

Stage One: “I have no idea what I’m doing and am just happy to be getting laid”

Time Frame: high school, early college

When men are first introduced to sex, we have a “just happy to be here” glow for the first couple of months/years. We have zero idea of what we’re doing, but we’re ok with that. After all, we’re just beginners – we can’t be expected to know everything. At this point, we’re just taking it all in and thanking our lucky stars that after years of masturbating on the cold tile bathroom floor with our sister’s moisturizer we’re finally putting our penises into something warm that hasn’t been microwaved.

We do try, but unfortunately, it takes us a while to learn. Learning how to make the most of sex is like learning of foreign language through immersion. If you take a guy and put him in Moscow, he’ll eventually learn to speak Russian. It’ll start off slowly; he’ll only learn words and simple phrases like “Thank you” and “Where is the bathroom?” and “I am hungry”, but soon he’ll be able to have basic conversations. At Stage One, we’re still marveling at Red Square and are thrilled when we can order a beer properly. Baby steps.

Some learn more quickly than others and advance to Stage Two without much practice. Conversely, some, sadly, never get to Stage Two and wade in Stage One for most of their lives. Personally, I was somewhere in the middle. My poor first few girlfriends/victims were with me when I was firmly entrenched in Stage One, and I’m sure they’ve told many a person about my inability to distinguished the skin of a woman’s thigh from some cold cuts I left in the bed the previous night. Oh well. Sucks for them.

Stage Two: “I know exactly what I’m doing and I’m gonna rock your world”
Time Frame: late college, few years after college

But then, after much practice, men start getting an idea of what’s going on. They see how women respond differently to different things and grow confident with experience. Confidence, of course, breeds hubris, and this is where the desire to please every lady comes from.

Yes, a man’s willingness to satisfy his lady is not altruistic, but rather selfish. We realize that if we are better lovers, our ladies will be more willing to put up with us (i.e. “Listen, I’m sorry that I pooped in your bed on a dare. But remember how giving and caring I am in the sack? So it’s all good, right?”).

Not only that, but it’s about this time that we realize that girls talk. This is especially true in college environments. Mike will make an extra effort to please Sally, because then maybe Sally will tell her roommates all about how good Mike is at lovin’. This is certainly not a bad rumor to have spread about you.

To use our foreign language analogy, this would be the point where we have friends visiting and we’re taking them out, showing them how much we know about Moscow, speaking Russian like a champ, impressing them with our ability to chit-chat anyone around. All to impress them (and possibly sleep with them if they are attractive).

Personally, I’m not sure if I ever got to this stage. I think there was a three week period back in my senior year and a two week stretch just after college when I made a conscious effort to love right whatever lady I was with/paid for at that time, but it was short lived. While admittedly it would have been nice to be known as a good lover amongst gaggles of girls, my reputation was already beyond salvation at this point, what with the whole incident on Upper Campus on October 12, 1999 that I can’t get into for legal reasons. But how the hell was I supposed to know that huwag meant “don’t”? I don’t speak Tagalog, but apparently that doesn’t matter in the eyes of the law. I mean, fuck.

So men’s desire to become better lovers comes from a) arrogance and b) the aspiration to look better in front of other women, who we will hopefully also sleep with. Sorry, but it’s true. Ladies should therefore not ask questions, and just enjoy it while it lasts. Because eventually men get to…

Stage Three: “I’m sorry, but I really don’t care if you’re enjoying this or not”

Time Frame: present – death

This is the Sex Stage in which most men will spend their sexual lives. We’ve had enough sex to know how the whole thing works, and maybe we even know a few tricks, but to be honest, we’d rather not be bothered. Once a man’s been having sex for a while, especially if he’s been with the same girl for a while, sex becomes less important than it once was. This is part of a larger shift in priorities for men as we age. For example, the average 20 year-old priorities go:

• Fuck everything that moves
• Get drunk
• Beat off
• Seriously, that girl over there is smokin’
• I mean, look at her tits!

The average 26 year-old’s go something like:

• Hate work/life
• It’d be nice to get laid, I guess
• Get drunk
• Watch television, preferably sports
• I’d like to have sex with that attractive girl, but she’s way out of my league and just talking to her would require a lot of effort that would ultimately be wasted

Now don’t get me wrong – men in this stage can occasionally “bring it”. We still know what to do and how to do it, but we need a special occasion to elevate our game, like spending a romantic weekend in the woods or taking an overnight at a swanky hotel or getting obliterated watching the Eagles tremendous comeback victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. But for the most part, we’re going through the motions. Sad, but true.

[If we’re living in Moscow, at this point we’re speaking Russian quite well, but we’re using our knowledge of the language to complain about the weather, the transit system, and the incorrigible Russian mafia.]

And so with age our sex life becomes adversely affected. I can’t really speak about this stage from experience, simply because though I’ve been at this point for a while, I simply haven’t had enough lovin’ to give you any sufficient examples (maybe because I advertise on the internet what a terrible lover I am and will be?). I hope that one day very soon I will be able to give a terribly inadequate love-making experience. Keep your fingers crossed.


Thus the three stages, all because I watched some dude spooge twice in one porno clip. God I need a hobby.

[Have a good weekend]

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