Everything is wrong with me
Monday, September 26, 2005
weekend: yankees, money, beer, poo
On Friday, me, Ace from Slack, and my buddy Dave went to the Yankee game.

As soon as I got to the Bronx, I immediately questioned why I don't go to Yankee games more often. I've been living in NYC since July of 2001. Since then, I've been to four Yankee games, zero Met games, and zero Knicks/Rangers/Giants/Jets games. What makes this especially strange is that I'm a sports fan, too. I enjoy seeing men play each other, being competitive, sweating, straining their ginormous muscles, etc.

But I think my lack of seeing sports events is part of my general apathy. I'm a creature of habit when it comes to extracurriculars. I like drinking beer in my apartment, going to my local bar, sitting with a few friends and not talking to anyone else, leaving the bar at closing to eat, then coming home and passing out. What a glamorous life I live here in NYC.

What I realized with the Yankee game is that I don't take advantage of NYC enough. In addition to not attending many sporting events, I've only been to three Broadway shows in over four years. Of course, Broadway shows are for homosexuals, women, and tourists, but I think that if I did see more shows a) I could use it to impress women (i.e. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to see a show and it's not a big deal that I have frequent gay cyber sex") and b) I would have something to tell my mom when she asks, "What did you do this weekend?" aside from "Well, Brian and I got in a fistfight with this street person and his dog. We lost. Bad. Brian now only has six fingers."

But around halfway through the game I realized why I don't do more New Yorkey type things: cost.

Let's break down my expenses on Friday night, shall we?

• Five beers at bar before game: $35 ($6 per beer, plus tip)
• Two hot dogs at game: $9.50
• One foot long hot dog at game: $7
• Eight beers at game: $64 (I believe beers were $7 a piece, plus tip)
• Money given to guy at urinal next to me to show me his penis: $6.23

So that's over $120 at the Yankee game. The tickets were $50 face, but we got them for free. So if I paid for the tickets, we're looking at a cost of $170 for less than five hours. Ouch.

The $120 above does NOT include the money I spent at the bars afterward either. We were back downtown and boozing at 11:30 or so. Remember, bars in NYC are open until 4am. By 11:30pm, I was feeling pretty good so I'm not sure what I spent for the rest of the night, but I can say with a good amount of certainty that I topped $200 total for the evening. Easy.

So THAT'S why I don't do New York type things. Fuck sporting events, shows, nice dinners, whatever. I need to save my money for late night pizza and 30 packs of Budweiser. Again, my glamorous NYC life.

Two good things did come out of the weekend though:

1) I found a new bar. Not just any new bar, but a special new bar. I don't often feel this way, but I'll tell you, this could be the one. It's close by, very unpretentious, cheap, has an excellent jukebox, and, though small, is never crowded. The bathroom could use a little work (a single unisex toilet with a door that doesn't close all the way, let alone lock), but it's so close to my apartment that should any bowel-related emergency arise I could just run home.

As summer comes to a close, I can think of no better way than ushering in fall than spending a lot of time at this bar, drinking and being merry. I had been hard-up for a cool bar in my new neighborhood, but I've found it. Let the drinking too much begin. Hallelujah.

[And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is. Maybe it's my ego talking, but I don't want y'all showing up at my cool but small bar making it crowded and too cool for lame assholes like me. So beat it.]

2) I ate something weird by accident.

You should know that:

a) I had a bunch of friends staying at my apartment this weekend, and so minutes after their arrival, my living room was destroyed.

b) I love Entenmann's Devil's Food Crumb Donuts. Most addictive thing I've ever put in my body (seriously). If you haven't had them, don't. Trust me.

c) I have headphones like these. Notice the little nubby things that go into your ear. They are removable and fall off a lot.

On Saturday night, we got home after a long day and night of boozing. Though I had brought home some pizza to eat, I went about my usual process of putting everything in my line of vision into my mouth. These included the Entenmann's donuts that were on top of my fridge.

One of my favorite things about these donuts is that they have little crumbs on top of them (if you look closely at the picture, you can see them). They're mini extensions of the donut, sprinkled on top, covered in glaze and powdered sugar. Delightful. They also fall off a lot, so invariably when they are no donuts left in the box, I wind up picking the crumbs from the bottom of box and eating them up. Again, delightful.

Also, when you eat the donuts, these crumbs fall off onto one's shirt and the floor. On this particular night, I was having a lil' fun with this. You know, "Hey, look at me - I'm fat! I'm eating these donuts and the crumbs are falling all over my shirt and onto the floor! Look how fat I am! Don't I make you feel better about yourself by illustrating how bad I am, you fucking selfish shallow pig?"

I ate four of these donuts (half the box), and threw in the towel. But I did so not before I picked up the little crumbs off my shirt and the floor, popped them in my mouth, and swallowed them down like aspirin.

Just one problem: I'm pretty sure that one of the "crumbs" was actually one of the little nubby things from my earphones.

Like I said, the earplug portions of my headphones, the little rubby/plastic piece that goes in the ear, are for some reason removable. They came with several nubby things, to replace any lost ones. Earlier in the week, I lost one and replaced it. I had no idea where the missing one was, and forgot about it.

When I popped the donut crumbs into my mouth, I did kind of a double take. Like I said, I threw them into my mouth and swallowed them down like pills, as so my friends could laugh at what a gluttonous slob I was. But among the sugar and chocolate, I tasted that familiar nasty earwaxy taste (because I eat earwax a lot).

I think – and again, I'm not positive about this – that I ate my little earplug thing among these donut crumbs. If you've ever stuck your finger in your ear and then bit a fingernail, you know that earwax has a very unique and potent taste. Also, the floor from which I was picking put the crumbs was dirty as hell, covered with crap (pieces of a fleece blanket that I've had for years and is slowly deteriorating before my eyes, crumbs of all kinds, etc). Also, I was very drunk. It's not inconceivable that I would have just picked up the missing ear plug and threw it down the hatch without thinking.

I guess we may never know for sure, but you can rest assured that I am monitoring all excrement extremely closely. I promise you that if that earplug comes out in my poo, you will be the first to know about it. That is dedication to journalism, my friends.

So check back early and often for any updates. I'm feeling a lil' loose in the bowel area, so it could be any moment now.

(And yes, writing about shitting out an earplug that I ate while drunk thinking it was a donut crumb is definitely the highlight of my writing/blogging career, if not my entire life. God, my family must be so proud.)

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