Everything is wrong with me
Friday, September 23, 2005
 
Sizemore’s reality, interracial, BBQ, BB&B, music, NFL picks
I would be remiss if I didn’t start this post off with the some very important news: Tom Sizemore is currently shopping a reality show about his life.

Mother fucker stole my idea.

I wrote about this a month ago, even going so far as to sketch out the first mini-season. So you don’t have to read the whole post, I’ll just excerpt the reality show idea part:

Lastly, for all the reality shows going on, WHY isn’t there one about the life of Tom Sizemore? Who’s dropping the ball on this one? What would you rather see: Tommy Lee going back to college or Tom Sizemore fighting some girl on crutches over a Marlboro Red? Hell, I’ll storyboard the first four episodes right now:

EPISODE 1 ("Pilot"): Tom is released on parole on the condition he stays clean. Show follows Tom on his first day of freedom. Tom talks about his sobriety and his confidence in it and goes shopping for some new clothes. Tom goes to use the bathroom but doesn’t return. By the end of the show, two cameramen and the boom mic guy are dead and Tom goes missing for eight weeks.

EPISODE 2 ("Redemption"): Tom is tracked down to a church in Mexico. Too much LSD has caused him to have a mental breakdown of sorts, so he’s been spending time volunteering in church in an effort to become a Eucharistic minister. During a service, Tom drinks too much wine and starts screaming "Blood of Christ! Blood of Christ!" and yells the n-word and other racial epithets for seven hours before having a mild heart attack. Another cameraman is mysteriously killed.

EPISODE 3 ("Return"): Tom returns to LA because his agent has gotten him an audition for a Dentyne commercial. Tom bombs the audition and sexually assaults both the female reader and a nearby fern plant. For the remaining twenty-two minutes, we follow Tom around as he breaks into cars to poop and/or pee in them. Twenty four hours later, Cadbury Adams USA LLC, the company that makes Dentyne, files for bankruptcy.

EPISODE 4 ("Revenge"): The show opens with Tom in Vegas, getting thrown out of Caesar’s Palace. In the next scene, Tom is participating in an exorcism with special celebrity guest/drunk fuck-up, Ryan Adams. The two then spend the rest of the show doing cocaine at a rest stop, until Ryan dies. Tom uses the restroom, then steals a Snickers bar. End of Season One.

I mean, is this not pretty clear that this is my fucking idea, almost a month before Sizemore thought of it? What the fuck is going on here? If there are any lawyers reading this, please get in touch with me ASAP. I have a feeling we have a strong case on our hands. Son of a bitch.

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Many websites are firewalled by my work. For example, I can’t check any type of email from my office computer (aol, hotmail, gmail, lycos, msn, etc – all blocked).

However, in our library there are two public computers that have no firewalls. So naturally, people are up there all day long going in and out, checking email, Friendster/MySpace, whatever.

I always like to view the internet history of these public computers, by clicking on the url drop-down menu.

Among gmail.com, yahoo.com, and hotmail.com, one site always sticks out on the library’s public computers: www.blackmenwhitewomen.com (NOT SAFE FOR WORK).

I thought the site was an interracial dating site, so I clicked on it (as I’m all about interracial dating). And I suppose some could say that it is an interracial dating site, if your idea of dating is using your "14 inch black pipe to tear [a] white girl in half."

From what I can tell, the basic premise of this porn site is white women secretly love black men, particularly their frighteningly large genitals. And so it has lots of clips and movies in which black dudes nail white chicks. As an added twist, the white chick’s husband/boyfriend/significant other is also in the video, forced to watch the black dude rail his girlfriend. Take THAT Oppressor!

Obviously it’s a wonderful site, but I question why, exactly, it needs to be visited in the middle of the day on a Tuesday at work? Not only that, the computers in the library are in an open area and shared. Many people sit and wait to use the computers while others are on them. Is this guy just SO into black guys doing white girls that he has to check out this site at work, in the library, in the presence of others?

Or did someone put the site in as a joke? Is it possible that one guy went to it on a lark and the reason it stays so high in the history is because jerkoffs like me view the url drop-down and say, "Blackmenwhitewomen.com? What the fuck?" and click on it?

I guess we’ll never know for sure, but if there’s one thing we do know, is that black men doing white chicks while their non-black boyfriends watch is the new sexual fetish. So get on board now before the train gets too crowded and if possible, be sure to check the site out at a public computer, preferably in your workplace. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

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Earlier this week, I was making a chicken wrap. At the grocery store, I bought all the necessary ingredients: chicken, cheese, tortillas. I contemplated buying BBQ sauce, but then I recalled that we had not one but TWO bottle of BBQ in our fridge.

So when I got home I started making the wrap. In a matter of minutes, the chicken was nicely laid out on the warm tortilla, covered in cheese. All I needed was some BBQ sauce to drizzle on it before sticking the whole thing in the toaster to get all melty and yummy.

I grabbed the first bottle of BBQ sauce and saw that it expired in early August. Crap. BBQ sauce lasts for a year, so I got a kick out of the fact that I had sauce for over a year, even moving it when I moved into my new apartment in late May. My gastrointestinal problems have been well documented on here, so y’all know I don’t like to tempt fate by putting rancid food stuff into my already volatile stomach. So I chucked it, because we had another bottle.

Some background first before I continue:

• I moved to my current place in Little Italy in late May 2005
• I moved to my previous place in the Upper East Side in June 2004
• Prior to that, I lived in the Lower East Side from June 2002 to June 2004

The second bottle of BBQ sauce expired in April 2004. That means I bought it in the spring of 2003. That means it was in my fridge for two years and it survived TWO moves: from the LES to the Upper East Side and from the Upper East Side to Little Italy.

I don’t know what I should me more amazed/scared about: that I felt so close to this BBQ sauce and it was so important to me that I moved it TWICE instead of throwing it out and buying a new one or in two years my roommates and I never ate this BBQ sauce. I mean, there have been times when we’d come home drunk and strip that fridge bare, eating everything that didn’t move by itself or talk to us. And somehow we missed BBQ sauce, something that constitutes a solid 6% of my body fluid? Am I slipping?

But alas, it was not to be for my chicken wrap. I threw out the old sauce, used ketchup, and felt sorry for myself. Typical Wednesday really.

***************************************

I have friends visiting this weekend, staying at my place. I decided to go back to Bed Bath and Beyond after work last night to buy a new shower curtain liner. This was not for any aesthetic reason, but it was a health and hygiene-based decision. Due to my frequent masturbating in the shower (there’s nothing like roughing up the suspect in a stream of lukewarm water, is there?) and whatever the hell my roommate Brian does in the shower, our shower curtain liner is a covered at the bottom with a pinkish orangey mildew. I’m convinced that something is incubating down there, a love child between me and bottle of Pantene.

So off I went to Bed Bath and Beyond. I have a major inferiority complex when dealing with these types of stores, mostly because they’re filled with nice home stuffs and my apartment is filled with stuff we’ve a) had for years; b) got for free; or c) stole.

And so I get confused and disoriented in stores like BB&B. I feel the need to overcompensate and buy everything. Taking a cue from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", I become determined to make my shithole of an apartment a stylish twentysomething New York bachelor pad.

But I have no taste. So I buy a lot of crap. A lot of crap.

Last night was no different. Before I knew it I was at the register swiping my credit card for a $210 purchase. What did I get? $50 worth of candles, some really expensive knives, an ugly picture, a fleece blanket, and a ton of other knick-knack crap.

You know what I didn’t get? A fucking shower curtain liner. Sweet. I was so flustered by the enormity of the place that I forgot the one thing I traveled all the way to Chelsea to get.

So it looks like my friends will have to shower among my shampoo children. Oh well. At least I tried.

***************************************

Six Songs

"All Roads Lead To You" Sunshone Still
A friend passed this onto me and it's some great stuff. The whole album is delicious, the kind you can put on and listen to all the way through. It's kinda like moody country or something, rather indescribable – ambient, mellow, thoughtful. This particular song sounds like a mix of Chris Whitley and Nick Drake, but you can sample a few songs off the album here ("Damn You, California" will give you a good idea of the sound). Highly recommended.

"All You Got" Tegan and Sara
God I want to do these girls. Or at least whichever one is singing this song. That "Ooh, Yeah" before the "All you [verb] is me" refrain is too, too much. Damn I am weak.

"Star Struck One" Smoking Popes
One of the top five most beautiful songs ever. And certainly the most beautiful song of all time that has the word "pussy" in it.

"Can You Stand The Rain" New Edition
If the question that you ask me is, "What was your favorite song from 1988 to 1995?", the answer is this song. If the next question that you ask me is, "Have you ever shit in an empty can of chili just to see what it looks like?", my answer is 100% yes.

"Chloe Dancer (Crown of Thorns)" Mother Love Bone
Gorgeous piano intro, which, along with "Imagine" and "Louie Louie", constitutes my piano playing repertoire. But sadly the rest of the song sucks. The lead singer od’ed though, so that makes it cooler.

"Sultans of Swing" Dire Straits/Trey Anastasio Band
In June 2002, my buddies Bill and Joe and I went up to Burlington, VT to see the Trey Anastasio Band. I liked (and still like) Phish, but I never really got into their concert scene. When I do drugs, I like to do them alone, in a dark room with a couple of candles and a weird Sigur Ros song playing – not in a stadium with college kids and hardcore wookies who haven’t bathed since Columbus.

But at the Trey show, I got over that pretty quickly. I was already feeling pretty good going into the show when halfway through the first set the wook next to me offered me a joint of what I presumed was pot. Well, let me tell you something: I am no drug expert, but that shit was most definitely NOT pot. And if it was, it was some mutant shit, because it kicked my ass big time. After partaking, I spent the next hour or so convincing myself that Trey was going to play at my funeral (and do it for free). And I would die in a stampede. Not sure what kind of stampede – human, bull, elephant, drug-induced imaginary, etc – but that was definitely how I was going to die.

Eventually, in the middle of the second set, I started to calm down and groove to the music. In what seemed like moments, I was on another plane, doing the whole Phish/wookie dancing thing, which consists of looking like your having a seizure in a vat of chocolate pudding.

For the encore, Trey and his band (which was made up of your typical rock instruments and a horn section) did this song. The twist, which I believed Trey announced prior to starting the song, was that the three or four piece horn section would be doing the lead guitar parts, including the solo. And it was fucking awesome.

I was completely entranced at that horn section ripped through the guitar solo, and I was not alone: the crowd, already in a frenzy, swelled in appreciation. I was pretty high but I’m sure I had multiple orgasms. It was the closest I’ve come to a near death experience in my life (and I’ve had two heart attacks). The rapture was so just…damn.

I haven’t listened to the TAB version of this song since, because I feel like I will only be let down. How could it be the same for me now, riding the subway to work (mostly) sober, listening to my iPod? It just can’t.

But I recommend you check it out. Just the fact that those horns could do the solo is enough of a reason.

And if you really want to kick it in high gear, smoke some weird shit prior to listening. If no weird shit is available, mist a vodka tonic with some Fantastik (http://www.homegrocer.com/images/products/Fantastik-00286-S.gif). That should set you up.

[Please note: do NOT put Fantastik in your vodka tonic. It will kill you. Thank you.

***************************************

Last week, my mom beat me in our NFL Contest, going 7-8-1 with her picks to my 6-9-1. Before everyone gets all up in my face, it’s only been one week (for those of you just tuning in, we skipped week one). However, that didn’t stop my mom from gloating all this week. When I informed her that she won, but did so just barely, she shot back an email saying, "But I still WON." Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.

So here are my picks for this week, followed by hers. I feel like I have a good week in me, feeling pretty good about my Jags, Saints, and Pats upsets.

Jaguars +2.5 over JETS
RAMS -6.5 over Titans
EAGLES -8 over Oakland
Bengals -3 over BEARS
Saints +4 over VIKINGS
Panthers -3 over DOLPHINS
COLTS -13.5 over Browns
BILLS -3 over Falcons
PACKERS +3.5 over BUCS
SEAHAWKS -6 over Cardinals
Patriots +3 over STEELERS
Cowboys -6.5 over 49ERS
Giants +6 over CHARGERS
Chiefs +3 over BRONCOS

My mom’s picks:

Jaguars +2.5 over JETS
Titans +6.5 over RAMS
EAGLES -8 over Oakland
Bengals -3 over BEARS
VIKINGS -4 over Falcons
DOLPHINS +3 over Panthers
Browns +13.5 over COLTS
Falcons +3 over BILLS
PACKERS +3.5 over BUCS
Cardinals +6 over SEAHAWKS
Patriots +3 over STEELERS
Cowboys -6.5 over 49ERS
CHARGERS -6 over Giants
BRONCOS -3 over Chiefs

Me Last Week: 6-9-1
Me Season: 6-9-1

Mom Last Week: 7-8-1
Mom Season: 7-8-1

[Have a good weekend]



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