Everything is wrong with me
Friday, September 02, 2005
 
the great poo dilemma, search terms, NYC celeb, everybody poos, draft results, music
For the past three months, I have been pooping exclusively in the 20th floor bathroom. I've been working in the same building for four years now, and over time I've come to know and love a lot of bathrooms here. There's my former home base on the 15th floor, the gorgeous bathroom on 23 that's just a little too snobby for my taste, the bathroom on 24 which is perfect except for the motion-detecting sinks that suck, and, when no one is around and I want to do it right, the bathroom on the Basement 2 level. All of them charming in their own way.

But I'll tell you, I think I found a match with the 20th floor bathroom. It's not superlative in any one category, but it's perfect across the board. It's always empty, has plenty of toilet paper, is clean and bright, and I could live the handicap stall and be ok. I sometimes take lunch in there when I need to get out of my office, but let's not talk about that now.

The only problem with the bathroom on 20 is its location. A receptionist sits on the 20th floor, and you must pass her to get to the bathroom. Usually, I give a little "hi", then disappear into the bathroom for 16-21 minutes, taking care to read every interesting nytimes.com and ESPN article I could find. Then I'll come out of the bathroom, give a little nod to the receptionist, and head back to my office.

Obviously, the woman knows I'm in there pooping. It's pretty clear that I'm not doing work in there for twenty minutes. And sometimes my bowel movements are so, um, ample, that I actually look thinner afterwards. But I don't care. The receptionist is a middle-aged woman who probably sees men like me do this routine every day. So this didn't detract from the awesomeness of the 20th floor bathroom.

Until this week. You see, there is a new receptionist on the 20th floor, and - wouldn't you know it - she's hot. Not hot in the "men exaggerate about the women they work with because they don't have anything good to look at all day long so she's hot by comparison" hot. She's is legit. She is hot. For example, the other day she had her hair up and was wearing these little glasses in a smart lil' get up and I swear I almost collapsed because she was so adorable. Goodness gracious.

This has DESTROYED my pooping regiment. I can not, under any circumstance, let this beautiful woman know that I'm thirty feet away from her emptying my bowels for twenty minutes while she types away. I just can't do it. But at the same time, if I stop using the bathroom on 20, I have no reason to go by and see her. Maybe if I keep going by, we'll strike up a conversation and then a few hours later get married. You never know.

So I'm stuck between a rock (the poo) and a hard place (the girl). And frankly I have no idea what I'm going to do. All the other bathrooms pale in comparison to 20 and I want to see the girl, but there's no way I'm cutting down on my pooping time. Pooping time for the corporate guy in his mid-twenties is like recess to a third grader. It's my time to break free and do what I want to do, in this case, poop and read Bill Simmons articles. So I'm not skimping on that.

But on the other hand, I am a lusty and lonely man, driven and kept alive by few things, most of them involving some variation of desire or perversion of affection. Work is a difficult time and I need things to help me get through the day. Catching a glimpse of a super hot receptionist is one of those things.

So that's my situation. The good news is that I have a long weekend to think this over, because this is going to take some time. Wish me luck.

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It’s that time of the month: search terms into Google, Yahoo and other search engines that brought people to this site!

First, some about me:

- jason mulgrew eats doo-doo butter
- jason mulgrew and obviously gay
- jason mulgrew office smell tuna
- jason mulgrew asses of fire
- I think I gave jason mulgrew herpes
- jason mulgrew eats out of a litter box
- jason mulgrew just repeats the same jokes over and over
- mulgrew is so gay and needs to come out of the closet
- jason mulgrew smells his own butt

Ok, I get it. I know that you guys reading this are entering stuff like "Jason Mulgrew eats out of a litter box" because you know I do this every month. Very funny. Really.

And now some others:

- tuna misty Newport
- how can someone have a boner
- girls who can t hold their pee in any longer porn
- how to draw genitals
- sex microwaved bagel
- girl who will only give handjobs to circumcised guys
- will i get sick if i drink opened unrefrigerated hershey’s chocolate syrup
- how to give up masturbating
- dog fucked me
- would like to fuck a guy in kiev
- vitamins strippers take for vaginal smell
- unreal giant boobs and asses that would crush your head
- a 35-year-old overweight irish tourist who collapsed while jogging
- after eating a hot dog what are the chances of pooping
- i smelled my roommates boxers
- mom I’m going to pee
- how to grunt when shitting
- pictures of women belly punching other women
- so your married and she tells you that she has an std

I know some of these sound unbelievable, but I encourage you to try them for yourselves. Not real sure where on this site I talk about a 35 year-old overweight Irish tourist who collapsed while jogging or where the pictures of women belly punching other women are, but most of the time when I write this I’m pretty fucked up, so I guess they’re here somewhere.

Additionally, I think that from here on out when I list these terms, I will take one of them and write a full-length post about it. This month's winner would be: "So you're married and she tells you that she has an STD." Ouch buddy. Ouch.

(Although in fairness I think I could do a lot with "Vitamins strippers take for vaginal smell" and "After eating a hot dog, what are the chances of pooping?")

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From the "Only in New York City" department...

Recently, it was my buddy Jeremy's birthday. I missed his party (because I had a wedding) and I felt bad about it, but not anymore. That's because his roommate Robin got him the greatest birthday present ever (and no, not like that - get your minds out of the gutter).

Robin works in some capacity in the fashion or make-up industry or something. Her company gives a lot of free crap to celebrities, so Robin deals on a day-to-day basis with these celebrities' publicists or whatever. Robin has befriended many of these publicists, so she recently asked for a favor from one for her roommate Jeremy's birthday.

So on his birthday, Robin presented Jeremy with two large (maybe 10' x 14') pictures of a very famous extremely hot celebrity autographed, saying "To Jeremy, Happy Birthday, Love _______" and "Jeremy, With Love, ________." The celebrity? Angelina Jolie.

I'm not typically a star struck person, but wow. Just seeing that Angelina Jolie signed her picture, wrote a message to my buddy - well, I was giddy. Absolutely giddy. Best birthday gift ever.

(And I'm resisting writing "Best. Gift. Ever." There MUST be a moratorium on this "Best/Worst. [Noun]. Ever." crap. It's old, folks.)

Meanwhile, what did my roommate Brian get me for my birthday? He borrowed $90, because the night before he got drunk and spent all of his work petty cash, which he needed to repay asap. Sweet gift Brian. Next year, you really don't have to get me anything. Seriously, just a card is fine.

I had beers with Jeremy earlier in the week (in part to see the pictures of Angelina Jolie), and as we talked about how crazy women are, we relayed a funny story. Apparently, he was walking around in Central Park when he saw a crazy female friend of his. She was acting erratically, going up to people handing out cds. These weren't cds that she made, nor did they even belong to her. She was giving away cds that belonged to her recently-ex'ed boyfriend.

So Jeremy talked to her for a little bit when lo and behold, walking through Central Park was the worst/best actor of our generation, Keanu Reeves. Jeremy's friend left him to go give Keanu Reeves some of her ex-boyfriend's cds. Keanu took them graciously. What a nice guy.

I love New York. And I'm only writing all this celebrity in NYC crap because I think I should up my "New Yorkness" to make me more attractive to you all. And yes, that's a lie.

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Then there's this, courtesy of Planet Dan.

Enjoy.

[no joke required]

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My main fantasy football draft was Wednesday night. Here’s my team, with what round I took the player in parentheses (in my league, we have 12 teams – I had the 10th pick – and we start two QBs, so they are more valuable than in one QB leagues):

QB: Culpepper (1)
QB: Plummer (5)
RB: A. Green (2)
RB: L. Jordan (3)
WR: L. Coles (7)
WR: L. Evans (8)
WR: C. Rogers (9)
TE: A. Gates (4)
WR/RB: J. Bettis (6)
K: J. Reed (16)
Def: NY Jets (14)
Bench: T. Bell (10)
Bench: T. Henry (11)
Bench: A. Bryant (12)
Bench: J. McCareins (13)
Bench: G. Lewis (15)

A few thoughts:

1) This draft was tough. Real tough. Most of the 12 guys knew what they were doing, a far cry from my previous 10 team draft filled with morons.

2) This draft was long. Real long. Nothing worse than people using the full 90 seconds for every pick. It's the first round - it shouldn't take 90 seconds to figure out who you're going to take. Fucking assholes. By the 10th round, everyone was completely strung out and just wanted the damn thing to end. What a lovely evening.

3) Even though I wrote that y'all should "fuck tight ends", I wound up taking Gates fourth. I had 10th pick in the third round (out of 12 per round), and picked up Lamont Jordan. At that time, I had four guys in my queue: Chad Johnson, Joe Horn, Cadillac Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. Next pick: Joe Horn. Next was Johnson. Then, as the 4th round started, Tony Gonzalez went. The guy before me then took Williams. All four guys taken off my queue. So my choice was either a WR out of the top ten or Gates. I took Gates. I hope it works out, because I've never before drafted a marquee TE. But still, 39th overall is not too bad for Gates.

4) Some guys I like a lot but played down in my draft preview because I knew my competitors were reading: Aaron Brooks, Kerry Collins, Ahman Green, Lamont Jordan (I have both in my two leagues), Brian Westbrook, Cadillac Williams, Chad Johnson, Lee Evans, Roy Williams, Keary Colbert, Todd Heap. At least now we're being 100% honest.

So we'll see. Obviously, my WR are shit, but I'd rather take young guys with potential than has-beens, and that's what I did there. And I have a lot of depth at RB. It's very possible that Tatum Bell and Travis Henry become starters at some point in the season, at which point I could trade one of the five of them away for a decent WR.

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Six Songs:

"Change" Blind Melon
This song kicks so much ass it makes me sad that Shannon Hoon is dead. This song, and Blind Melon, fucking rule. Do yourself a favor and check out a bunch of their non-"No Rain" songs. You won't be disappointed.

"Fight Test" The Flaming Lips
Another very sad song. Eloquence and poignance delivered through a strange, yet beautiful vessel. And if The Flaming Lips are reading this right now, yes, you can use that quote on any of your marketing materials. You're welcome.

"Call And Answer" Barenaked Ladies
I like the song, but I mention it for two reasons. One, I went out as the lead singer of this band for Halloween my sophomore year of college. I wore my glasses and a suit with a lime-green butterfly collared shirt underneath. It was very last minute but it turned out pretty fucking awesome. I wound up getting kicked out of the party because I was drunk and creeping out a girl in a school girl uniform (yeah, like it was my fault that she decided to dress like a whore). Also that night my friend Jen accidentally touched my bird when I tried to sneak up on her from behind and she turned around. It was pretty sweet.

Secondly, this is the first song I recorded on my four-track when I got it a few years back. Needless to say, it is absolutely terrible. One channel of guitar and three channels of vocals, one lead and two "harmonies". I say "harmonies" because they do not sound very harmonic. They sound more like someone gave me a ton of valium, spun me around a few times, and told me to act sexy. The worst part is that this tape still exists somewhere, and I am certain that at some point in the future it will be used against me.

"Maybe Tomorrow" Jackson 5The sweetest Jackson 5 song. If I had a dollar for every time I've smoked drugs and cried while listening to this song, I would have made $2 on Monday.

"Cry Baby Cry" The Beatles
An underrated Beatles song from their best album. Whenever I hear this song, I want to be riding in the top level of a bus in London, looking out the window at the rain, eating one of those prepackaged tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches that you can buy at gas stations and supermarkets. Also, I have a huge beard. And enough money that I don't have to worry about how that sandwich cost me $11, because London is expensive and the dollar is the pound's bitch. But I digress...

"I Think I Love You" The Partridge Family
Not because I like the song, though it is catchy, but because I need your help. In 2000-2001, this song was used in a Levi's commercial. Basically, a dude walks into an elevator and a really hot chick is there. They make eye contact, this song breaks in, and there's a sequence of their courtship - kissing in a phone both, getting married, having a kid - and then suddenly the elevator opens and they're jolted back to reality. He walks out in his Levi's jeans. End of commercial.

I need your help in determining the name of the woman in this commercial, because she is, even after five years, the hottest woman I think I've ever seen in my life. I haven't seen her since (actually, she was in a AmEx commercial with Jerry Seinfeld, the one where he's at the gas station filling up) and I am desperately, even dangerously, in love with her. I should warn you that any information you provide may make you an accessory to an as yet to be determined crime. Because I love her. And so she must love me. This is how it is supposed to happen, so this is how it will happen. I believe it was Keats who said, "In the face of Love, nothing matters/Not the Law, nor Consent, nor Pepper Spray/just Love." Gorgeous writing. Just gorgeous.

...

On that note, have a good Labor Day weekend. Drive safely. I'm off to Boston and will be back on Tuesday.



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