Everything is wrong with me
Friday, September 09, 2005
 
emails: the quantum leap cock block theory
First, thank you to all who replied with the name of the hot Levi's model that I mentioned last Friday. Chris from Philly was the first to tell me that it's the lovely and talented Tracy Zahoryin who starred in those commercials.

(Here's one guy's tribute to her. Scroll down for pictures and be filled with awe.)

(Actually, the Levi's ones are the only ones worth looking at really. In retrospect, she's not as good-looking as I thought, and I'm kinda sad.)

But the point is that once again, I made a call for help and many of you answered. God bless the internet. Thank you Chris, and Tracy, I'll see you soon. Cave pervert.

In other emails, after reading my Keith Sweat story, my buddy Chris from just outside of Philly (different from Chris from Philly above) wrote:

For the record, the best song to "have relations" with is "Also Sprach Zarathustra". I actually did it in college with a Phish bootleg and if you can time it perfectly so that you're hitting it with the climax part of the song, you're pretty much the f'n man. It's also good because since it's a phish bootleg you're just playing it off like it's some concert and "whoops this song just kind of came on." By far the best song for when "two become one".

2nd place: "Dogs singing Jingle Bells"... if you pull that off, well you're pretty much the f'n man.
Fuck "Zarathustra" – stop whatever you are doing now and download those dogs singing "Jingle Bells". When I first read Chris’s email, I quickly brought up my Limewire to download the dogs. Five seconds later I was on the floor with pee pee coming out my willy because I was laughing so hard. Then I listened to the dogs barking "Jingle Bells" on full volume about ten times in a row, causing my roommate Brian to barge into my room to say, "Dude, what the FUCK are you doing in here?"

This songs wins. Hands down. As a matter of fact, I DARE you to come up with something better than that. And please, don’t inundate me with stupid suggestions ("Dude, the best song to make out to is anything by the Spice Girls"). If you are unfamiliar with the rules, please read the Keith Sweat story (scroll down to the bottom of the post).

JC from Charlotte wrote in with an interesting theory:

I'd like to run something by you for your consideration. It happened to me a couple of years ago, but I wasn't reading your blog at that time. And since then, I've discovered what a sage you are when it comes to all things women.

I went to visit some friends in Atlanta (I'm in Charlotte) for a long weekend. One of the buddies was living with a platonic girlfriend at the time, and during that weekend they threw a nice little party (PJ, keg, and tons of whiskey). The girlfriend/roommate was an attractive brunette, freckles, the natural look, and kind of tall (5'8-5'10'), but she was a little overweight. Nothing to frown upon, but nothing to write home to mother either (assuming you write home to you mother about chicks you'd like to hump).

So one drink leads to the next and we end up naked in bed. We do the deed, sleep it off, feel awkward in the morning and then stay in touch via random emails for the next few months. No biggie.

A year or so after that a mutual friend was married and I saw the girlfriend/roommie at the wedding. She'd dropped a good 25 lbs. and was just SMOKIN' hot. Double take hot. Can't believe I slept with this woman hot. So naturally I went over to make conversation and see if she's interested in doing a little sheet dancin' later that evening.

The reaction I got from her was, as best I can describe it, polite disdain. It was just a very odd reaction to my flirting and friendliness. I've been shot down before and am pretty well versed in women's uncomfortable reactions to my humor, but this was a new one to me. I took it in stride that evening only to ponder it later on.

So, while high as a figurative kite, I stumbled on why I think I got the disdain. I call it the Quantum Leap Cock Block. (after the cheesy TV show, not the actual scientific theory).

This attractive, thin, personable young lady knew of my past relations with a heavy, attractive, personable young lady (her old self) and found it to be in poor taste. In other words, she didn't want to be with a guy who has hooked up with heavy chicks in his past. So my hooking up with her while she was heavy kept me from hooking up with her when she was thin.

Is it possible to cock block your future self with the same girl? I'm positive that I'm not explaining this well enough to make any sense, because it's making my head hurt just thinking about it...sober. But if you can muddle through the details here, I'd love to get your take on this strange phenomenon.
Hmm...this one has all the main mysteries of the universe: physics, cock blocking, and sudden weight loss. This is going to get ugly.

I have to say I have no precedent for this type of thing, nor have I heard of this type of thing happening to any of my friends. I've heard of two variations:

- Guy hooks up with girl, doesn't see her for a few months, sees her again and it looks like she's been spending time living in a cave eating dynamite and babies, but hooks up with her anyway because it's convenient;

- Guy breaks up with girl, doesn't see her for a few months, sees her again and she's hotter than when they dated. Tries to hook up with her to no avail, but not because he cock blocked himself by hooking up with her in the past, but because their emotional history/baggage prevents the hook up.

But at heart what this speaks to is something very important: stock price and lovin' market value.

When it comes to love, sex, and relationships, people are like stocks. They are commodities that have a value that a) can change over time; and b) allows them to be measured against others.

[My former writing teacher and pervert extraordinaire, Steve Almond, wrote a story in which one of his characters talked about the "beauty gradient". Meaning, I'm pretty good-looking and so a B+, you're pretty good-looking and so a B+ as well, so let's get together. But since I work in business (kinda) and Almond's gradient was immutable, we'll stick to stocks.]

Everything you do that is publicly known affects your stock price on the lovin' market. Get a big raise and promotion? Stock up 6 points. Get drunk and make out with a beast in front of your friends at the bar? Down 9. Lose a bunch of weight and get in shape? Plus 12. Get arrested for possession, go to prison for a few months, and get an STD? That's a veritable crash.

Whatever you do that isn't known, however, is ok. It matters not if you secretly watch tranny porn and get off by jerking off into your garbage disposal. As long as that information isn't known by others, particularly those of the other sex who can spread such information, then you're in the clear. Of course, when a company does not disclose potentially damaging information that would lower a stock price, that's securities fraud and there's usually a messy law suit. The good news is that the only thing that can happen to you when your girlfriend of six months catches you balls-naked crouching in the sink playing with yourself is that you get dumped. And trust me, getting dumped is MUCH better than being sued. Back back to the point...

Perhaps even more importantly that the fluctuation, this value allows you to be compared to others. Think about how often you walk into a room, look around, and judge others ("She's beat...she's out of my league...that girl looks like she would F somebody in the driveway...that chick has one leg, but is kinda hot"...etc"). You're immediately rating this people. If you talk to these women, their values might change depending upon how cool they are, but you're still constantly comparing them to others. Everyone has a value.

In this instance, we have a normal, slightly chubby girl. Let's say she's at 60. We have JC, normal guy who consents to hooking up with chubby girl. Therefore, he puts himself at her level - 60. It may be the case that he's actually 70 or 80 or 110, but his hooking up with her affects his value in her eyes, so she judges him as the same as her. And so JC is 60.

However, time passes. The chick loses weight and her value is positively affected. Let's say, if she's smoking hot, she's 90. When she sees JC again, seemingly the same as he was before, she views him at her old level, 60. Therefore, JC doesn't get his noodle wet by the girl, who is now out of his league.

So short answer: yes, it is possible to cock block yourself with the same chick. But this is so rare that though I support of the Quantum Leap Cock Block theory, I view it more as a microcosm of the larger lovin' market value system (and yes, I know that I need a name better than "lovin' market value system", one on par with "Quantum Leap Cock Block theory" - I'll work on it). Like I said, I don't know of anyone who this has happened to before (the QLCB), but people's stock prices fluctuate all the time - even dramatically so - so that I think the Quantum Leap Cock Block must be relegated to corollary status. Great idea, but not universal enough.

Coming later...the most abridged NFL 2005 preview ever.



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