Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sizemore does it again
I can talk about a lot of stuff today. The wedding I went to on Friday night, the surprise party I attended on Saturday night, or how I had to call out sick yesterday because I had the worst insomnia attack I’ve had in ages on Sunday night/Monday morning, but all of this takes a backseat.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Sizemore is selling sex tapes of himself. Yes, beater of Heidi Fleiss, user of the Whizzinator, and drug addict par excellence is now officially a pornographer. This is like Christmas, my birthday and my wedding day all rolled into one (with a special Sizemore twist, of course).
From philly.com, the source for all my entertainment gossip:
TEMPLE grad Tom Sizemore has gone from roles in "Black Hawk Down," and "Saving Private Ryan," to homemade porn.I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.
The 43-year-old actor is now starring in a number of hardcore sex videos, online at xxxtom.com.
The videos show Sizemore engaging in sex acts with various women, and also acting very strangely while throwing around a football with naked women, cursing the L.A.P.D., and discussing his financial woes, saying he's "down to a million and change."
A company called XPays, which also put the Paris Hilton sex tape online, released the footage.
Sizemore will likely get a cut of the profits, says AVNOnline.com.
Sizemore's manager, Bob DeBrino, told reporters recently that the actor secretly taped his sexual liasons because he suffers from a disease called priapism, which enables him to have sex up to nine times without stopping, by causing a persistent erection.
Sizemore is currently in a California rehab facility after pleading guilty to using drugs while on probation for beating his ex-girlfriend, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss.
Ok. Let’s begin.
All I can say is that you must, must, MUST go to the site www.xxxtom.com. It is not safe for work, so either take a risk or view it at home. But I’ll tell you that nothing that I write here can top or even come close to that site in terms of comedic value. There are no words to describe the horror, shame, astonishment and above all humor on that site. Nothing I can write can capture it. I can only promise to do my best. But it still won’t be anywhere near as good as xxxtom.com itself. Trust me.
Because it’s not safe for work, I will attempt to give a brief synopsis of what you’ll find at xxxtom.com. First, if you’re thinking that these tapes are Paris Hilton/night-vision style, you’re wrong. This is hardcore pornography filmed with the intention of distribution. Sizemore’s manager said he "secretly" taped these liaisons, but there’s nothing secret about them. It’s him, hanging out with OK-looking naked chicks, and then doing them – all the while mugging for the camera and saying ridiculous things. This is 100% intentional. And 100% insane. And I fucking love it.
I’ve written before about my fascination with Tom Sizemore. Both my roommate Brian and I are huge Sizemore fans. Not so much because of his acting, but more because of his drug abuse, sexual habits, and general insanity. If this stupid blog gets me any sort of writing gig, I hope it’s writing Tom Sizemore’s biography. I’ve been writing this on the side for about two years now, so I’m hoping for some sort of spectacular death that only Sizemore can pull off (elevator fire, meth lab explosion, beaten to death by four prostitutes, etc) to finally wrap it up.
But in the meantime, this sex tape escapade is great fodder for my biography. I don’t really know where to start on this one, so I’m just gonna dive right in.
First, one of you has to buy this for me. It’s $34.20 per month, and I think that’s pretty reasonable. You can either give me the password or just email the movies. Either way, I have to have them in order to study them to learn more about the psyche of Tom Sizemore. I watched the samples and was both disgusted and astounded. My favorite line is when Tom turns to the camera and says, presumably referring to his relationship with Heidi Fleiss, "I didn’t hit her, alright? I shit on her." That's just too awesome for words.
[Actually, don't buy it for me. Instead, donate the money and I'll buy it myself. I prefer this method because I'm afraid that eight of you will buy me these Sizemore movies, and no self-respecting person should have eight memberships to xxxtom.com. Not even me.]
Second, where do we go from here? At one time, Tom Sizemore was a respected actor. Then he started doing drugs. Then he went to rehab, which didn’t work. He started dating Heidi Fleiss and beat her. He was doing more drugs and for a while was living in a garage in Whittier, California. He’s broken the conditions of his rehab and parole numerous times, most recently by getting caught using a device called the Whizzinator to pass a drug test. And now’s he making porn.
· When/how will this all end? I mean, seriously, Sizemore’s got to have only one, maybe two years left in him. And like I said, when he goes, it’s going to be something else. I can see it now: I’m sitting at home, hungover on a Saturday afternoon watching football, when there’s a special report break-in and Brian Williams says, "This just in from Beverly Hills, California – actor Tom Sizemore is standing on Wilshire Boulevard throwing grenades and feces at tourists. So far, there have been fifteen confirmed casualties. We’ll get you more details as they come in, but one thing is certain: no one’s going to walk away a winner from this scene. Back to you, Greg."
· Where are Tom’s friends and family? Doesn’t he have anyone in his life to say, "Listen Tom, you probably should try to straighten out. Beating Heidi Fleiss was one thing, as was all the missed court dates and relapses, but I’m not so sure you should be in the porn business in your condition." There’s no one around to tell him this, or even suggest it to him? Really?
Third, what must it be like to be Tom Sizemore’s manager? Think about it: while his colleagues send press releases detailing their client’s new baby or new book, this guy is talking to the press about his client’s priapism, which "enables him to have sex up to nine times without stopping, by causing a persistent erection." I do not envy this guy. Imagine him running into one of his peers at some trendy LA restaurant:
Celebrity Manager: "Hey Bob - how are you?"
Sizemore's Manager: "Good, good - how are you?"
CM: "Oh you know, same old. Busy, what with Halle shooting three movies at once. You?"
SM: "Pretty busy too. Tom just had a gunfight with his neighbor's son, so there's a lot of damage control to be done there."
CM: "Oh, um, that's great. Well, you see you later!"
Fourth, "priapism"? How come I have never heard of this before? I did a little online research and found that it’s a legitimate condition. There are several causes, one of which is drug-related. What drugs cause priapism, you ask? Funny enough, drugs used to treat psychotic-type illnesses. I wonder if Tom Sizemore has any of those in his system? Additionally, there is a connection between priapism and marijuana use. Good for you, Tom. Good for you.
Lastly, for all the reality shows going on, WHY isn’t there one about the life of Tom Sizemore? Who’s dropping the ball on this one? What would you rather see: Tommy Lee going back to college or Tom Sizemore fighting some girl on crutches over a Marlboro Red? Hell, I’ll storyboard the first four episodes right now:
EPISODE 1 ("Pilot"): Tom is released on parole on the condition he stays clean. Show follows Tom on his first day of freedom. Tom talks about his sobriety and his confidence in it and goes shopping for some new clothes. Tom goes to use the bathroom but doesn’t return. By the end of the show, two cameramen and the boom mic guy are dead and Tom goes missing for eight weeks.
EPISODE 2 ("Redemption"): Tom is tracked down to a church in Mexico. Too much LSD has caused him to have a mental breakdown of sorts, so he’s been spending time volunteering in church in an effort to become a Eucharistic minister. During a service, Tom drinks too much wine and starts screaming "Blood of Christ! Blood of Christ!" and yells the n-word and other racial epithets for seven hours before having a mild heart attack. Another cameraman is mysteriously killed.
EPISODE 3 ("Return"): Tom returns to LA because his agent has gotten him an audition for a Dentyne commercial. Tom bombs the audition and sexually assaults both the female reader and a nearby fern plant. For the remaining twenty-two minutes, we follow Tom around as he breaks into cars to poop and/or pee in them. Twenty four hours later, Cadbury Adams USA LLC, the company that makes Dentyne, files for bankruptcy.
EPISODE 4 ("Revenge"): The show opens with Tom in Vegas, getting thrown out of Caesar’s Palace. In the next scene, Tom is participating in an exorcism with special celebrity guest/drunk fuck-up, Ryan Adams. The two then spend the rest of the show doing cocaine at a rest stop, until Ryan dies. Tom uses the restroom, then steals a Snickers bar. End of Season One.