Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, August 25, 2005
innovations in pornography
Understatement of the year: there are lots of different types of porn. I'm not talking about guy-girl, girl-girl, guy-girl-girl-girl-guy, or guy-girl-bear-hammer. Nor am I talking about the various fetish porn movies out there, like S&M or feet stuff or people dressed as mascots or people doing animals or that weird movie I saw that my uncle was in with the naked aliens on the trampoline.

I'm speaking almost in thematic terms. Perhaps two examples will help. Two "reality-based" porn series (which means a number of movies released by the same company with the same theme) are MILF Hunter and Bang Bus.

"MILF", for those not in the know, stands for "Mom I'd Like to Fuck". Each one of these movies starts with our protagonist, henceforth known as the Guy, in an everyday situation, i.e. at the beach, at Wal-Mart, at the supermarket, at a bar, etc. Randomly, the Guy will run into a hot woman, most often a little older, and then he'll F her. Thus, the MILF Hunter series.

This is all supposed to be a coincidence, but of course it's not. The women are actresses, not hot moms shopping or getting their dry cleaning (in one movie, the mom getting done asks, "Are you the MILF Hunter?"). One thing I don't understand about this series is that it's never explicitly clear that the women are, in fact, mothers. Most of them are a little older (tops early 40's), but many are hot twenty-somethings. It's not like the Guy's doing a chick while her baby sleeps in a crib or her toddler watches cartoons, so what justifies the "MILF"?.

Still, the MILF Hunter series works and is very popular. Not particularly my bag, but at this point I think I've seen all the free porn on the internet, so I occasionally "rough up the suspect" to the MILF Hunter series.

The second somewhat thematic reality-based porn series is the ever-popular Bang Bus. As you can probably guess, the Bang Bus consists of three guys - a driver, a cameraman, and the guy who does the chicks - driving around in a van picking up chicks and f'ing them. Unlike MILF Hunter, I think I actually believe this is real. The reason is that they don't just randomly drive around to pick up hot 20 year-olds. How it usually unfolds is that the Guy (a different guy from the MILF Hunter series of course) meets the chick at a club the night before and does her. Then he and his buddies (the cameraman and driver) pick her up the next day and film them as they have sex in the bus.

What makes it more credible is that these chicks are mostly spring breakers who REEK of whore. In porn, there are two types of starlets: girls who consciously want to make porn and do it for a living and sluts who are skanks and get off on the idea of being filmed (essentially, the professional vs. the amateur). And if I know anything for studying porn for the past thirteen years, it's that these girls are amateurs.

That, in a nutshell, is the Bang Bus series. Both MILF Hunter and Bang Bus have been money-making machines and have dozens, possibly hundreds, of movies out. There are imitators (most notably Street Blowjobs - you can figure out what that one's about) but these two are the most popular and most successful.

Well I have an idea that could join the ranks of MILF Hunter and Bang Bus. I feel like I should get this copyrighted or trademarked before I lay it on you guys, but we're all friends here (save for any of my ex-girlfriends reading this), so I'll just put it out there: Tourist Porn.

Now bear with me...

Every day when I walk around my neighborhood, I see at least two dozen doable, good-looking or attractive girls pouring over the NYC subway map, looking at street signs, and discussing and pointing. It occurred to me recently that these women could be an endless source of sexual escapades.

For one, they're overwhelmed by the megapolis that is New York City. They're either in from Ohio, Kansas or Oregon or all the way from Germany, South Africa or Thailand. And they're looking to get the most out of the big city during their short time here. What better way to enjoy NYC than with an experienced New Yorker who's lived in the city for almost five years and has drank at nearly every bar (and pooped at 60% of them)? Also, it's not necessarily a bad thing that this new friend is quite famous in some circles, is it? At any rate, they are vulnerable. And that is an extremely sexy quality.

Second, think about your sexual mores when you're traveling. When you're in another city or country, everything is consequence free ("Sure, I'll get drunk and have sex with this fat chick with the one ear - I'm in Prague for Christ's sake!"). Part of traveling is meeting new and strange people and trying to have sex with them. It's always been this way. When we're anonymous in an unknown land, we get a little braver and more adventurous and we do, in fact, wind up banging a fat chick with one ear (it was actually more like an ear and a half).

The basis is there, and I think Tourist Porn would be a great idea. I'll set it up: attractive guy and cameraman are in New York City, walking around the streets with high tourist concentration (SoHo, Little Italy, Times Square, etc). The team approaches a group of attractive or semi-attractive tourist girls, who are struggling with a map. After giving the girls directions, the guys explain that they're making a documentary about the social and historical development of New York City.

The chicks, naturally, eat this up (normal looking guy + artistic streak (filmmaker, musician, writer) = FULL BASEMENT ACCESS). After small talk, the better looking guy suggests meeting for drinks later. The girls agree. The stage is set.

Exemplary boozing follows. The girls are comfortable and relaxed, because the guys have earned their trust (little do they know that if all goes according to plan, they're going to be naked on a dining room table with a hot dog up their butt in an hour). I don't need to bore you with the rest of the details - boozing at the bar, an invite to come back to the guys' place, more boozing, turn the camera on, start making out, then finally some doing - because you get it.

[And if they are reluctant to be filmed having sex, which is entirely possible, they can be easily convinced. Perhaps with "So, you're from Romania, huh? That's cool. Do you know what 'opium' is? You don't understand? Ok, then smoke this - it's an American cigarette - very good for you" or "So, Korea, eh? That's cool. Are you interested in some American candy? I know it says "Oxycontin" on it, but don't worry. That's just another way of saying 'delicious' in English. Here - take three!"]

I ask you: how could this not work? It's perfect! There'd be minimal effort on the guys' part and no serious production costs and you'd have girls that were a) vulnerable, b) a little crazy, and c) exotic! Movie titles could be "Cammie from Poland" and "Some Chick With A Weird Name from Vietnam"! It's all there! Someone get on this!

Alas, I can't do this myself. My lack of sexual organs, or rather my lack of sexual organs that inspire others to touch them, restricts my porn-making ability. However, I'm willing to be the brains behind the operation. So if anyone is interested in participating, please let me know. And for the stag, if you look like Marky Mark, well, you're already hired.

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