Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Chavez to US: "Fuck you, assholes"
Hugo Chavez, spunky presidente of Venezuela, had some choice words for the US recently at this year's World Festival of Students and Youth.

Instead of talking to the students about important young people things like sex, cigarettes, and who can get them beer, Chavez turned his attention to world diplomacy, calling the US "the most savage, cruel and murderous empire that has existed in the history of the world."

Chavez continued that his rant, saying that the US "won't stop caressing the idea of invading Cuba or invading Venezuela" (no word on whether Chavez's use of the word "caressing" was intentionally poetic or just broken English). He added: "If someday they get the crazy idea of coming to invade us, we'll make them bite the dust defending the freedom of our land."

The reaction of the students was largely apathetic, as most couldn't hear Chavez's speech because they were listening to the Black Eyed Peas on their iPods and thinking about making out with the hotter, fitter socialist students present.

While the US did not release an official response to Chavez's speech, American Jews took umbrage with the Venezuelan president's denunciation of the US as worst. empire. ever. Said the ubiquitous Jewish love doctor, Rabbi Shumley Boteach, "'Worst ever'? That's a little harsh, isn't it? George W ain't great, but he's no Hitler. Where the hell is Venezuela anyway? It's one of those Mexico-type countries, isn't it? Does anyone else find it creepy that I offer dating advice based on the Ten Commandments and one of my books is called 'Kosher Sex'?"

Also taking offense were descendents of the nomadic tribes that lived in Western China, the Russian steppes and the plains of Eastern Europe in the late 12th and early 13th centuries.

"You think the US and Bush is bad? Well, you ain't seen shit until you've been fucked by the Mongols," said Roger Howlett, a 29 year-old carpenter and aspiring DJ from Columbia, South Carolina who is a direct descendent of the tribes of Ruthenian, conquered by the Mongols and Genghis Khan in 1220. "Now that is some serious shit right there. Genghis Khan and those mother fuckers running roughshod on a whole fucking continent for two hundred years, raping, pillaging and lighting shit on fire, and you think the US is bad? Fuck that. Fuck that. Am I getting paid for this?"

When reached for a follow-up comment, Chavez quoted a line in the Tu Pac Shakur song "Hit 'Em Up", saying, "That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat mother fucker" before turning and walking away.

Oh Hugo, you crazy son of a bitch. I'll be the first to admit that I'm your typical, East Coast, city livin', educated liberal who loves to bash George W. Bush. But saying that the US is "the most savage, cruel and murderous empire that has existed in the history of the world" is not only offensive, but just plain historically inaccurate. I'll let your lack of historical perspective slide, because you have bigger fish to fry in Venezuela (i.e. 47% of the population living below the poverty line, the whole suspected "voter fraud" thing, etc).

But it's ok for me to badmouth the US because I live here. I pay my taxes to live in the greatest country in the world, so if I wanna say it sucks, I'm gonna say it sucks. I vote and I have an awesome blog on which I occasionally (read: rarely) write about politics, so I guess you could say I'm both a political activist and an advocate of free speech.

Having said that, it's NOT ok for you to badmouth the US. You must think you're pretty tough shit down there, high on your perch in your borderline third world country, talking shit on us when we're 2000 miles away. Well let me tell you something bitch, you have NO IDEA who you are fucking with. Venezuela? You ain't shit. If you haven't heard, you better ask somebody, because there's one thing about the US you should know: we do NOT fuck around. Fuck with us, and we take you out. We don't care if your government is dictatorial and oppressive or legitimate and sovereign, we will fuck - you - up.

Shit, I personally will fuck you up. If you have a problem, why don't you send me an email and we can settle this shit like real men? You don't know where I'm from, mother fucker - I'll take that socialist shit and shove it up your ass, bitch. Test me. Fucking test me.


That's what I thought.

Now, let's just move on. Can someone get me a milkshake to calm me down?

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