Everything is wrong with me
Monday, July 11, 2005
return and a short story
I'm happy to report that I am back and alive. That's the good news. The bad news is that I won't be giving a proper recount of my vacation today. I'm working on that post, and it's big. Like, real big. We're over 2,000 words and four pages and I still have a lot left, so tune in tomorrow for a long-ass, mostly boring post.

However, I will share a story that simply needs re-telling. I got a call yesterday from a buddy of mine who shall remain nameless (for reasons to become apparent). For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jim.

On Saturday night, Jim brought a lady home to his apartment, in the hopes of making love to her (or something similar to making love). For the sake of the story, we will call the girl Emma (after Baby Spice, Emma Bunton).

So Jim and Emma are making out in his living room and move into the bedroom. Both are still fully clothed, but things look promising.

They get into the bedroom and Emma sits down on the bed. When she does so, she accidentally sat on a clothes hanger. She lets out a little "Ow!" and pulls the hanger from under her butt. Jim, who's sense of humor is about as tasteless as it gets, says to her as he grabs the hanger and throws it aside, "Don't worry - we won't need that until tomorrow."

Um, wow.

For those of you who are dense, hangers were used to perform crude abortions before abortions were legal (Whoopi Goldberg actually gave herself an abortion with a hanger in the late '60's). This is a horrible fact and even I am disgusted by it. Jim was implying that he would give Emma an abortion with the hanger the following day after they made love and he impregnated her.
Again, wow.

The first best part: Emma was so disgusted with the joke, she stormed out of the apartment, leaving Jim drunk, horny, and alone.

The second best part: Jim and Emma work together and he's been trying to hook up with her for weeks. As I write this, it's 1:50 on Monday afternoon, so I'm betting every woman that works with Jim knows this story and he will not be getting any action at the company's holiday party this winter. Or ever again from any girl at work.

What can we learn from this?

1) Women do NOT appreciate jokes about abortion when you're trying to seduce them. Especially jokes about self-abortions with hangers.
2) See #1.
3) All of the above.

At least Jim has a good sense of humor about it. If I had been trying to hook up with a girl I work with for weeks, had finally gotten her into my bedroom, and then caused her to flee because of an extremely tasteless abortion joke, I'd have to change jobs. I mean, my god.

So that's all the stories for today. And if you haven't already read this, please read it. And give. I'm dying over here and we're aiming for 100% and it's my birthday. So help out.

And happy fucking Monday.

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