Everything is wrong with me
Friday, July 29, 2005
 
pranks, search terms, homers, read on, salmonella is delicious, thank you, thank you again, off to LA
In college, my friends and I played a lot of jokes on each other. Some of them were on a grand scale. For example, one time my buddy Bill and I came back from a trip to find our all our clothes missing. Somehow we got tipped off that they were in his car, which we had left in Boston for the weekend. When we got to Bill's car, our clothes were indeed inside the car, but also inside the car was newspaper. Pages and pages of crumpled up newspaper, filling the entire fucking car. It took us a long time to clean that up and get our clothes out. However, a year later I had sex with the cousin of one of the guys who did it, so I won in the long run.

Other stuff was less mischievous. We all had laptops that we would take to the library to study (and by "study", I mean "cram"). As you computer nerds know, when the laptop (or any computer) is left idle, the user has the ability to bring up a screen saver of words that scroll across the screen against a black background. Usually, these say stuff like "Michelle's computer" or "BC '01" or whatnot.

I used to love manipulating these screen savers. Say a bunch of us were at a table in the library and one guy got up to use the bathroom. I'd scamper over and change his screensaver from "BC Football" to "Girls with pubes are overrated" or "My dad tastes good" hoping that someone in the library would glance over and be horrified. Of course, no one else in the study group would find this funny, least of all when he returned the dude whose computer it was, but I thought it was pretty f'in' funny.

I find myself feeling these same urges today, at work. We have a law library at my firm and every time I'm there, I see not laptops left open, but pads of paper. Attorneys go up there to do research and often leave their desks or cubbies with books open everywhere and legal pads with notes unprotected.

I practically have to physically restrain myself from going over to these unattended legal pads and writing "Shit tastes like love" or "Poo is GOD!!!!" in between their notes about torts or the Southern District or whatever.

I don't know how long I'm going to keep this urge at bay and I imagine that it will result in me being terminated from my current job. So think of me if your company is hiring.

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Now onto something I invited that countless other bloggers later stole! Here are some terms entered into Yahoo, Google and other search engines that brought people to this site.

First, a few about me:

- jason mulgrew homophobic
- jason mulgrew eats entire bags of dicks for breakfast
- jason mulgrew masturbates with crushed egg shells
- jason mulgrew real name


I'm pretty sure that the first and last searches were genuine, but I have to believe that someone who reads this blog and knows that every month we do this little post intentionally googled the middle two just so I would write about them. Or conversely, someone found out that I eat entire bags of dicks for breakfast and is trying to expose me. I haven't decided which.

- drunken injuries on spring break
- men's face crushed under women's asses [sexy pics and video clips]
- mom dad i'm gay
- my mom's bridge club likes to watch me masturbate
- snoring gay men video
- my large breasts keep getting larger
- disgusting child molester deformity puke doesn't look real
- i got drunk and woke up with a guy
- i wish to seduce ladyfriend
- want to masturbate on the internet for money
- whitney houston shits herself on airplane
- what part of kevin millar's body is fake


My favorite is probably "I wish to seduce ladyfriend". I mean, can't you just see from Eastern European guy, who hopelessly has a crush at the woman behind the deli Kenmare & Elizabeth, sitting down in an internet cafe to google ways to seduce her? The poor son of a bitch. I hope he eventually gets to F her.

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This week, Sammy Sosa passed Frank Robinson for fifth place for most home runs in Major League history.

My first reaction: "Really? Are we sure? Sammy Sosa is 5th all time? What?"

I guess that's what happens when you hit 292 home runs in 5 years (that's an average of 58.4 a season). I did some research, and when I was growing up, the top 10 in all time home runs was something like:

1) Hank Aaron
2) Babe Ruth
3) Willie Mays
4) Frank Robinson
5) Harmon Killebrew
6) Reggie Jackson
7) Mike Schmidt
8) Mickey Mantle
9) Jimmie Fox
10) (tie) Willy McCovey and Ted Williams

That's some serious shit right there. True baseball gods. Now's let look at the top ten as it stands today:

1) Hank Aaron
2) Babe Ruth
3) Barry Bonds
4) Willie Mays
5) Sammy Sosa
6) Frank Robinson
7) Mark McGwire
8) Harmon Killebrew
9) Rafael Palmeiro
10) Reggie Jackson

I'll give Bonds his due, because even before he become a steroid-freak he was still the greatest player of his generation. But to have Sosa, McGwire, and (gulp) Palmeiro on that list instead of Schmidt, Mantle, and Ted Williams, well, that makes me a little sad.

For all the statistical analysis that has been done for baseball, you'd think that there would be something to justify this, something to adjust numbers based on the era in which they were achieved (like adjusted ERA). For example, in 1921, Babe Ruth led the league with 59 home runs. The next highest guy, in either league, was Bob Meusel with 24 home runs. Ruth had roughly 145% more home runs that Meusel.

Conversely, in 2001, Barry Bonds hit 73 home runs, a hugely astronomical number. But the next guy was Sammy Sosa, with 63. Luis Gonzalez hit 57. A-Rod had 52 in the AL, and in both leagues, 19 additional players had 35 or more home runs (8 had 40+). The point: a shitload of players were hitting shitload of homeruns.

Why can't there be a formula that gives a mathematical value to the number of home runs hit per year, based on league-wide averages of that year? Something like, "One home run hit in 1974 is equivalent to 2.2 home runs hit in 2002". I dare not get into it, especially here, since I've bored you enough already. But it obvious that 500 home runs ain't what it used to be, and there should be some sensible mathematical formula that would allow us to better appreciate a guy like Mike Schmidt, who never hit more than 48 homers in a season - and only hit over 40 three times in 18 years - but was arguably the most feared power hitter of his generation, over a guy like Raffy Palmeiro, who has had a solid if not entirely unspectacular career.

(And yes, I'm biased here, but I don't think it's clouding my judgment too much)

Anyway, I'll stop now, because I can hear about 1/3 of you typing emails to me saying, "I hate sports" or "I had no idea what you were talking about." For those you who do know what I'm talking about, I love you.

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We have been having some trouble with the "read on" function on posts on the index page. If this happens, click on the "Everything is wrong with me" tab above. This is a collection of the most recent posts. This is not hard, people. Thank you in advance for not emailing me saying, "I CAN'T READ YOUR POST!!!!!!!"

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On June 9th, I wrote about an incident in which I got drunk, got some Cold Stone ice cream (cake batter, oreo, and whipped cream mix) and the came home and puked a bunch.

Last night my friend Corinne called with some terrible news. I did some searching and found this article, which says Cold Stone, on July 1, recalled all its cake batter ice cream because of a salmonella outbreak.

I'm not a doctor, and it is entirely possible that it was the dozen beers, then some ice cream, then the pizza, then some more ice cream that got me sick. But the question still remains: can I sue them? I sure hope so. I haven't been involved in litigation in four months and I miss the adrenaline rush.

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I should hope by now that it's obvious that I'm only doing this blog thing for rock stardom. Isn't that what everyone wants, to be a rock star? Unfortunately, though I play guitar and have the voice of an angel, I don't have enough talent to become a rock star. However, I do have band names already picked out, and they change constantly. Right now, I'd say my band name if I were to start a band would be either:

- Muslim Ron and the Juggernauts;
- The Center Street Jigglies; or
- Two Fat Guys in Chairs And [that's it - it ends with "And"]

I'll let you know if these change, but I don't think you can beat Muslim Ron and the Juggernauts. That's just gorgeous.

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Though I hinted at it and mentioned it in passing before, I am extremely grateful to those of you who donated. I know that I had to beg, give up my pride and generally sound like a douche, but really, any money donated was/is used to deflect the cost of running the site. It's just that, as I mentioned, this shit costs money - especially since I had to pay for more bandwidth - and my bank account is not exactly overflowing with cash. And there are a lot of you fuckers out there reading, so $1 from a bunch of you = a lot of help to me.

I could have gone the normal route and put some ads put, but like I said, it's tacky and it messes up the gorgeousness of the blog. Instead, I asked y'all (or rather, begged y'all) to send me a small token for helping you waste your employer's time and money, and many of you gave.

[And yes, I know begging is tacky too, but whatever. I think it's obvious I have very little pride anyway.]

I don't mean to get all soft on you, but I do thank you for giving and reading my whiney rants about it. Now we'll just move on before I start crying or some shit (not out of gratitude, but because I'm coming down from a major buzz right now and it's really hot in my office).

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While I'm saying my thank you's, thank you to everyone who gave me advice about LA and about digital cameras. I hope to enjoy many of the bars and restaurants you guys recommended, and if I'm able to do so, I certainly will. And as for the cameras...I was hoping that I would get 500 emails from you, each miraculously raving about the same exact camera, which would be head and shoulders above the rest. Instead, I got 500 emails from you, each pimping a different camera. I haven't bought one yet, but I will do so tomorrow. I'm probably just gonna go it and get whatever one they put in front of me, because I'm fixing to get drunk tonight and will be too hungover tomorrow for anything difficult.

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I will still post from LA, but remember the time zone difference. My days are busy, so I guess I'll write them at night and they'll be up then. I can't say how often, but I'll get you something. Probably.

And wish me luck. If this works out, things are going to get out of control very quickly. And I mean that in the awesomest way possible. Like:

CORONER'S REPORT
SUBJECT: Jason Mulgrew
DATE OF DEATH: June 24, 2006
LOCATION: Four Seasons Hotel, Room 412, Los Angeles, CA
CAUSE OF DEATH: cocaine- and hoagie-induced heart attack
NOTABLES: Subject had one testicle in Cambodian prostitute and one testicle in Nigerian prostitute. Subject's penis was in a pastrami sandwich. Written on walls of hotel room in ketchup or other tomato-based condiment was "MEAT FUCK!" sixteen times. Thirty-three pounds of food (mostly meat and dairy, though also a picture frame, a bicycle tire, a showerhead and $68,000) found in subject's impacted bowels. Shaved into subject's chest hair were words "I'm awesome".
AWESOMENESS OF DEATH: 9.4 out of 10



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