Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Alright! It’s time for you guys to do all the work while I sit back and pass judgment! Yes, that’s right – I’m answering your emails.

Like I admitted before, I’ve been bad about emails. The People thing came out on June 17. By the time I left for vacation at the end of June, I had gotten a few thousand emails from people who had read the magazine and were either amused or horrified by my inclusion on this list. Then I went on vacation and couldn't really check email. When I got back, there were lots. I’m not bragging (well, I guess I am), but this is why for a while I sucked with returning emails.

The good news is that all the hype died down and most of the readers left, so I can actually read your emails and answer some of them. Here are some of the best I’ve received this week.

The first comes from Libba from Birmingham, AL. She has a question about an older post:


I read your "Upper hand" post from- well, I can't remember because I've read pretty much the majority of your archives. Anyway, a guy in my class, Thomas, was telling me that his ex-girlfriend (dumped her before spring exams and she was pissed off/heartbroken) had started medical school this summer and was taking Gross Anatomy- you know, where everybody has a partner and you're assigned a cadaver to dissect over the course of the semester. Apparently, these med students always name their cadavers. Well, this girl names her cadaver "Thomas." What?! It seems to me that this is an unprecedented granting of the Upper hand to Thomas. I don't think there is a better way to let the person who dumped you know how "not over it" you are than to name your med school cadaver after them.

Thomas (my friend, not the cadaver) thought this was awesome and really funny. Definitely, upper hand for Thomas. Unfortunately, he decided after a couple of days to send her a really smartass "thank you for naming your cadaver after me" email. Here is where the argument ensues. I say that he has now lost the upper hand by giving her a reaction to her behavior. It would have been a lot cooler if he would have continued to laugh about it behind her back with his buddies. But, now I think that he conceded a half of the upper hand to her. What do you think?
I think that Thomas did not lose the Upper Hand. It would be nearly impossible for Thomas to lose the Upper Hand in this situation. I mean, my god. Women be crazy.

But you are right – Thomas did give her something back by a) contacting her; b) admitting that he knows about her “Thomas” cadaver; c) gloating about it.

Perhaps I didn’t explain this well enough last time. When a relationship ends, each person usually wonders what the other is thinking, what the other is doing, who the other is doing, etc. At this stage, the greatest sin a person can commit is to let the other know that he/she is thinking about him/her. After all, isn’t this the most basic human desire: to occupy the thoughts of another? Don't we want to believe that when it ends, we haunt the thoughts of our ex for days and weeks and months?

Therefore, the best thing you can do post-relationship, especially if you hold such an astounding Upper Hand, is, well, nothing. Feel free to gloat in private but the minute you let the ex know that you're thinking of him/her, you lose a bit of the Upper Hand and seem a little more pathetic. Nothing says "I'm over you" like a complete lack of communication and indifference toward the ex.

[When I first wrote this, I had a paragraph in which I used Eli Wiesel's quote, "The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference." However, I apparently grew a conscience because I took it out, realizing that maybe it's not so good to manipulate a quote originally describing the greatest evil humankind has ever known to talk about having one up on your ex. I am definitely, definitely dying.]


The next email comes from James in Melbourne, Australia:


You really gotta cut out the cheese out of your breakfast diet or you're gonna have a heart attack.

Now I love cheese as much as the next guy, but unlike say, the cheese in a 'ham,cheese & tomato' sandwich the cheese just isn't required in a bacon & egg bagel.

Ask the British, they invented the 'Full English Breakfast' after all. Which by the way contains all kinds of shit: Baked beans, sausages, blood pudding (I don't even know what that last one is) but importantly NO CHEESE.

Give it shot Jason. It might even add a few years to your life
You know, I used to think that Americans and Australians had a lot in common before this email. When James wrote that cheese "isn’t required" with bacon and egg on a bagel, I made a promise right then and there: I would destroy Australia with my bare hands, even if it killed me.

I mean, what? Cheese should be "required" on EVERYTHING – from sandwiches to stand-alone meats to desserts to more cheese. To say that it’s not necessary on a bagel that already has bacon and egg, well, I don’t know what to say about that. So I just punched the wall. I hope you’re happy James. I hope you’re satisfied.

[And why are we holding up the "Full English Breakfast" as a culinary delight? I'm supposed to taking an eating cue from the British? That's like me giving advice on dieting or about how to make your girl happy on Valentine's Day. Sheesh.]


Moving on, Cassandra from San Francisco writes:

Just read your tale of the stress test and must say that it has produced a recollection that I swore was buried never to be relived again just for the sheer horror of it all, but nope, so I shall share. I was a Biology major in college with a concentration in nuclear medicine which in one respect involved the preparation of the stress test - the shave, the probe placement and the sweaty run. And this one day after taking the appropriate background information from a woman, I asked her to remove her shirt wherein the shivering memory laid - she had chest hair, and very dramatic in fashion all across her chest and breasts. I not sure you can imagine the oddness of chatting with a woman about the weather when you are politely shaving her tarzanian mange of hair, but yeah, uncomfortable. So, thanks for the memory. I guess I should venture to ask - if one of these fortunate days you have the pleasure of viewing the breasts of a woman, and they were covered in hair, what exactly would you do?
Ok, first: eww. I mean, eww.

Now that that's out of the way, I may be lonely, but to quote Jack White, I ain't that lonely yet. Hair is bad on women and is one of the few absolute dealbreakers, even for me. To wit:

- I know of at least two instances off the top of my head wherein friends of mine did not pursue otherwise attractive women because of their slightly excessive arm hair;
- I personally did not pursue a girl about two years ago because my friends pointed out her "sideburns". Even though there were only faint traces of hair on the ear/cheek area, my friends talked about her sideburns so much I eventually started thinking they were worse then they actually were and couldn't proceed further;
- My freshman year of college, my buddy hooked up with a cute girl. Problem? She had nipple hair. Naturally, my buddy told everyone about this, and it eventually her nipple hair became so widely known on campus that by senior year even I wouldn't hook up with her, for fear of the repercussions and being ostracized by other women.
So a big "no-no" to women's hair.

And yes, I realize the irony here that I'm extolling the virtues of hairlessness when last time I went swimming shirtless I was shot because it was bear hunting season (and I was only 3 years old at the time), but c'mon - just roll with it.


Last but certainly not least, we have Dante from NYC chiming in:


I was reading Friday's post, and I think you should indeed make a list of guys you would sleep with for money. That's my 2.9 cents.

Do whatever you want, like I care. But as a 100% homosexual - OK, fine, maybe like 99.44% - please believe that I, personally, don't have any delusions about your non-gayness. You are a special kind of tool I like to think of as "the straight guy who might try to pick a fight with me, but not JUST because I'm gay" guy. You would probably be amusing to hang out with, but - make no mistake about it - you are definitely not smooth enough, in terms of personality and/or body hair, to be thought of as gay. A pussy maybe, but not gay. Even those girls who can't tell that their best friend (who sings show tunes and helps her tweeze her eyebrows) is gay can tell that you aren't. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Thus, your list would make people think not so much that you're gay, just that you are clueless. And we all pretty much already think that.

Furthermore, I can still be a 99.44% homosexual and list hot women I'd sleep with. I've always had in my mind the top two women I would bone if it were left to me to repopulate the planet. (God help us, should it come to that.) Alyssa Milano held the top spot for a VERY LONG time, but after I saw Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 she moved into the top spot. I suspect her dancing in the Thriller dance number had a lot to do with it. How's THAT for gay? Very.

I've already begun contemplating who I think your top 10 men would be. So, without further delay:

The Top 10 Men I think Jason Mulgrew Would Sleep With for $50,000 (even though we all know that $10 and a 6-pack of beer would be enough for him in most cases.)

10. Johnny Knoxville - self-destructive chemistry at its best
9. Brad Pitt - because a solitary mention in People magazine isn't enough for you
8. Robert Downey Jr. - so you don't have to always feel like the screwed up one
7. Richard Simmons - to score a discount on a deck of deal-a-meal cards
6. James Lipton - it's your wet dream to have him ask you what your favorite curse word is
5. Tom Cruise - because THAT would be the best blog post OF ALL TIME
4. Hugh Hefner - why should the playmates get to have all the fun?
3. Geraldo Rivera - you know you have a thing for moustaches
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger - so you can feel safe and protected
1. Billy Dee Williams - because Ghostbusters rocked and you know it
Um, I don't think I can top that, so I'm just gonna leave it alone.

However, I do have to point out that Billy Dee Williams was not in "Ghostbusters". Could Dante perhaps be referring to Ernie Hudson or perhaps he is referring to Billy Dee's dramatic tour de force as Lando Calrissian in "Star Wars"? I suppose we will never know for sure.

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