Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
burning and fighting in LA
I am going to be in Los Angeles for the first week of August. God help us all.

I can not divulge my reasons for going at this juncture. I'm not doing this to be a dick (although I admittedly am a dick). And it's not one of those "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" things. It's actually more like "If I told you, you too would probably get all excited, only to have your high hopes and lofty dreams of getting blowjobs from aspiring actresses and doing cocaine in a hot tub (while getting a blowjob from an aspiring actress) come crashing, burning, kicking, and screaming to the ground, leaving you homeless, impotent and even perhaps incarcerated" thing. That kind of pain should only be reserved for someone like me, so I'm keeping you in the dark for your own benefit.

And so off to LA. I've only been there twice and know very little about the city. Once was in the summer of 2002 for a wedding, at which the worst wedding toast I'd ever seen was given. The groom was a comedy writer, as were several of his friends. Each guy in the wedding party gave a little toast, and as you would expect, they were awesome. But then one guy got up and did a Matt Foley impression as a toast and what followed was arguably the most uncomfortable two minutes of my life, right up there with the time my Sociology of Crime & Punishment professor caught me trying to give myself a blowjob in the basement of Fulton Hall and when I accidentally gave my dad a dildo for Christmas. The guy went off on his Matt Foley spiel and immediately everyone at the head table put their heads down, as all the guests in at the wedding who were not between the ages of 20 and 35 whispered to each other, "What is he doing? Who is he supposed to be? What is going on here?" The best part was that the bride and groom had to look entertained and grateful while this guy was bombing, and the bride had a "I can't believe this is happening at my wedding" smile on her face. I could see this being potentially awesome if the guy was wasted out of his mind and was doing it to be a jerkoff. But he was honestly trying and really wanted it to work and just fucking bombing. Horribly uncomfortable. Good booze though.

The second time I was in LA was in September of 2003 when I visited a friend who lived in Marina del Ray for a week. My week consisted of sitting on the beach, drinking Pacifico, eating burritos, and watching her friends do obscene amounts of cocaine and talk about what commercials they were in. I also got a pretty good joke out of that week:

Tom (one of the guys my friend lived with): "Man, last night got a little crazy."Me: "Yeah, it was pretty wild."Tom: "Yeah, I was just taking it easy when all of a sudden all this coke just fell up my nose!"
Me: "I know - I saw that."Tom: "I don't know how it happened. I was just hanging out and then all of a sudden there was just all this cocaine in my bloodstream!"

I still use that one sometimes ("I don't know how the $200 from your dresser got into my pocket Brian - I guess it just fell in there!").

But back to my current trip. I'll be staying in Beverly Hills, and though I'll have a rental car, I will try to use it as little as possible. So I need the following information from my LA peeps:

1) The coolest bars in Beverly Hills. I don't mean "coolest" as in "hippest". If you've read even a little of this site, you should have a pretty good idea of what my tastes in bars are.

2) The nearest In-N-Out burger in Beverly Hills. The last time I had one was two years ago and I think I'm still burping it up. I mean this in a good way.

3) Any other good eateries (pizza, Mexican, etc) in the area that I should be aware of.

4) Any advice on nudey bars would be helpful, but I think I'll make it if I go without paying to see boobies for a week.

5) Any other general advice that I should know about Beverly Hills and LA (and yes, I know the traffic sucks).

I'm not going to stay with you and I'm not going to hang out either. I suck in real life and would like to keep this secret from you. But if you have any advice for me, I'm willing to listen.

For part of the trip I will be joined by my buddy Joe. Since the wheels should come off about three hours after he arrives, we have dubbed this the "Burning and Fighting in LA 2005" Tour. No, not quite the caliber of "Drunk Until You Shit", but not bad nonetheless.

Some goals for this trip:

1) Get extremely fucking rich and famous;

2) Marry a 16 year-old Mexican girl. Our wedding songs will be 112's "Cupid" and an original piece, "Tengo un Fuego Para Ti (En Mis Pantalones)", which I've been writing on and off for about eight months now;

3) Break (or at least tie) the record for "most milligrams of Xanax consumed on a single plane ride without heart stoppage".

I don't think any of these are out of reach. Wish me luck.

[In other news, I thought my "handlers" would pay for my trip out to LA. This is not the case and if I want to be a real life celebrity, I have to come up with some major cash - quickly. NYC to LA round-trip airfare + six nights in hotel in Beverly Hills + rental car = Jason not eating anymore and possibly living with his parents for a month. This trip is going to cripple me financially. I know I say that a lot, but seriously - I don't know what I am going to do about food/shelter for a good month when I return to NYC. However, I have to go (to LA). So (like you didn't see this coming) if you haven't already donated, please do so. I know I've been asking a lot, but I kinda really need it now. The good news is that years from now, you'll be able to tell your children, "You know, I helped launch that Jason Mulgrew's career by helping him pay for his first real trip to LA". And your kids will say, "Jason Mulgrew? Didn't he die in some sort of tire fire?" And you'll say, contentedly, "Yes. Yes he did."]

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