Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, June 30, 2005
 
search words, subway, flack, vacation notes
Yes, it’s that time once again! I have run out of things to write about, so below are some terms entered into Yahoo, Google and other search engines that brought people to this site.

This time around, I’ve broken then down into categories for easier viewing. Also, I’ve recently super-sized the site counter that tracks these things, so I have a lot more of them.

Celebrity:
- celebrity circumcision (9 people)
- celebrity armpits (6 people)
- celebrity dicks (4 people)
- celebrity handjobs (2 people)

Perhaps I should make the byline of this blog: “www.jasonmulgrew.com – If you have a creepy sexual fantasy about a celebrity, you’ve come to the right place! And yes, we do have a list of celebrities who are circumcised, you sick fuck!”

Hints and help:
- tips and ways on how to draw porn and nudity
- how to stop pit stains
- my erection wouldn’t go down after 7 hours why?
- He’s dumped me and i want to die
- is vodka good for the colon
- do asian nerds masturbate?
- lose weight while pooping
- homemade painkillers


Lots of good ones here. I don’t know who I feel worse for: the girl who’s been dumped and wants to die or the guy with the seven hour erection. Probably the latter.

And trust me, though I have no scientific evidence to back it up, I am certain that you can not loose weight by pooping. If that was the case, I’d be 115 pounds.

Involving me:
- suck my ass jason mulgrew
- laundry mulgrew
- jason mulgrew sex partner
- jason mulgrew fat chick
- jason mulgrew stay at home dad
- jason mulgrew book deal


Nothing warms you quite like looking over the search terms and learning that someone found your site by googling your name and “suck my ass”. Sweet. And I don’t know if that "book deal" person knows something that I don’t, but they should contact me asap if that is the case.

What the fuck?
- free indian gay guy’s email address
- lick the doritos after gas bypass surgery
- love it when you gently tug on my nipples. it sends chills up my spine.
- gotta piss pee so bad badly grab crotch dick desperation cant wait any longer more
- celebrity residents upper east side 2004
- every time a waitress breaks a glass she has to give the guy a blowjob porn
- shark genitals
- virginity to a dog


I don’t really have a joke for any of these. I'll tell you what though, I wouldn't mind getting the email address of an Indian gay guy - for free, no less.

Shit ain’t right:
- cut her gigantic fake boobs
- dad son fuck
- my student gave me a blowjob
- jerking off my buddy
- kids eating pussy movie
- oral sex by hooker sore on mouth herpes
- grandmom getting fucked


A movie about kids eating pussy? Really? Is that a Disney feature? And those kids are pretty advanced. When I was kid, all I wanted to eat was macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. But that was in the age of innocence known as the ‘80’s, and times have changed since then.

*********************************************

I saw two disturbing images from the subway this morning.

The first was a very large women reading a book titled, “Fit For Life, Not Fat For Life.”

I should clear something up before I proceed further: I hate fat people. Not all fat people, just the really, really fat ones.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a very husky man myself who loves nothing more than to overeat. For example, on Saturday my diet consisted of:

- Breakfast (noon): two bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats, half pint Oatmeal Cookie Chunk Ice Cream
- Lunch (4pm): a mozzarepa at a street fair in the West Village (two round slices of cornbread with mozzarella cheese in the middle – and yes, it’s as good as it sounds)
- Dinner (8pm): Thai food (tip-tum fritters, pad thai), half pint Cookies ‘n’ Cream ice cream
- Drunk dinner (4am): leftover Thai food, half of leftover sausage roll, pretzels dipped in nutella, toddler

So I love to eat. A lot. Right now, I'm eating a whole turkey as I type this. It's delicious.

But the reason why I hate really fat people is because though I am husky and I make a pig of myself, I don’t know how one takes what I do to the next level, going from “fat but it’s ok” to “holy shit that person is breathing marinara sauce.” I eat a lot and I can't imagine eating much more. The only reason I stop eating is because I think I'm going to have a heart attack or my right side starts going numb. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a fat fuck and if you are much fatter than me, you are really a fat fuck. If you're so fat that you having trouble walking or getting out of bed, I don't have any sympathy for you but I do have some advice: don't eat three Whoppers in one sitting. Just get one. You'll be fine.

But I saw this woman on the subway and it got me pretty sad. I often read on the subway, mostly because I want to seem smart in front of any fellow riders who are a) ladies and b) hot. And I go to get lengths to show that I'm reading "Ecco Homo" or "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", coughing, moving, and otherwise bringing attention to myself so said hot chick can see the title of the book. Surprisingly, this has never gotten me laid.
The "Fit for Life, Not Fat for Life" title was prominently displayed and seeing this woman reading it made me all...icky inside. I have no idea where I'm going with this and I think I'd need a psychologist to help figure it out. Perhaps it triggered some self-loathing or self-pitying feeling deep inside my black, cold, dead, black, cold heart? I don't know. Moving on...

Second image: yesterday I wrote about getting a blowjob for a junkie and sho' 'nuff this morning I saw a real-live junkie on the subway wearing a shirt that said "Can I interest you in a 3some?" Um, no sister. Not unless I'm a SUPER drunk. Actually, I totally would, but I'm running late for work. And the third person: does he have long hair or otherwise look like Bo Bice? Because that would be great.

*********************************************

I've taken some flack via email for yesterday's post about "random hurtful emails", as a number of you wrote saying they were too "mean". Assholes, of course they are mean - they are called "random hurtful emails", not "daily pick me-ups" or "friendship notes". I assure you my friends and I can take this level of ball busting and we enjoy it. Just because your dad cheated on your mom and it ruined you doesn't mean you should take it out on me. It's not my fault you are weak.

Thank you for understanding.

*********************************************

This evening I am leaving NYC and heading to Philly to start my vacation, which will take me from Philly to the lovely shores of North Wildwood, NJ, back to Philly, and then back to NYC. Some notes:

1) I will post at least once, possibly more, while on vacation. I am bringing my laptop with me and I have a tendency to get very bored very easily when I have no structure in my life. Boredom = posts. Of course, I will spend most of my time working on my book, tentatively titled The New York Times Bestseller, but I should find time for a post or two. Getting internet might be a problem, but if I have to dictate a post to Site Guy Brendan I will do so. In the meantime, please be sure to visit our "Friends". They thank you for your patronage.

2) Regarding your emails: if you’ve sent me an email over the past few days and haven’t yet received a response, you’re probably not going to get one. I’m not saying this to brag ("It’s ok that my penis is small because I get a lot of email") nor I am saying this to be a dick ("Even with my kitten-penis I’m still too good to respond to your emails"). On the contrary, I am saying thank you for taking the time to email me. But due to the influx of emails over the past week or so I simply can’t answer them all or most or even many of them. I do read everything though. And yes, I’m a terrible person, but you knew that already.

3) The "Drink Until You Shit" tour will be going on Saturday night, July 9th. For those people in the South Philly/Two Street area, if you want to go, please contact David Flood. If you don’t know who David Flood is or how to contact him, you shouldn’t be going anyway. If you're really pathetic, you can just troll around North Wildwood looking for thirty guys in black shirts screaming "Shit! Shit! Shit!" at the top of their lungs. Whatever.

4) For those of you in the greater Philadelphia area, I will be doing a small spot on the show 10!, airing at 10am tomorrow on (you guessed it) channel 10. If you're looking to be disappointed and want to like me less, I highly recommend tuning in. The interview is live and the questions will not be given to me beforehand, so you can watch as I sweat and stumble nervously over answers (apparently, standard procedure is a "pre-interview", but 10! likes to keep things "friendly" and "nonchalant", which doesn't really mesh with my style, as I like to keep things "angry" and "filled with curse words"). Also, though the Lord has cursed me with a number of physical minuses (bad hair, back hair, man boobs, poor posture), I only get about two pimples a year. Naturally, I have one now, on the eve of my non-"Court TV" television debut. Sweet. And if all else fails I will be dressed badly. So it should be a good time for everyone. Except me of course. So tune in!

Otherwise, have an enjoyable and wonderful 4th of July weekend. Godspeed.



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