Everything is wrong with me
Friday, June 03, 2005
just music
I have no mini-posts today to go with my music suggestions, so let's just get to the music (it kinda got a little long on me too). I apologize for this, but my life is still discombobulated from the move. There are boxes piled high in my room and it has really thrown me off this week. I am very much a creature of habit and when this is lost, the shit hits the fan. Usually I write ideas for mini-posts on scraps of paper, usually while drunk at least buzzed. I have terrible handwriting too, so the next day I'll find a piece of paper with what appears to be "dick eatery? at noon" or "poo in hand in station" or the like.

Sadly, no scraps of paper this week. This discombobulation has permeated other areas of my life: I haven't been keeping up with my fantasy sports, thinking of dick jokes for this here blog, or being very social, as I spend most of my time searching for the best chicken parm in Little Italy and trying to find a normal fucking grocery store in Chinatown (very difficult). Not like you care, but sometimes I just like to hear (see) myself talk (write). Anyway, on with it.

Six Songs:

"Tell Me Something Good" Rufus and Chaka Khan

Funk, funk, funk. Good stuff. While we're at it, from the "I probably shouldn't be writing this but here goes" department: in college, some friends and I were sitting around, drinking beers and smoking doobs on a random night when this song came on the stereo. A girlfriend of a buddy of mine got up and did a groovy lil' dance and it was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It wasn't dirty or anything; on the contrary, what made it so hot was that it was this nice innocent girl feeling good on beer and pot and letting loose. I thought it was just the drugs and alcohol, but I later conferred with other guys who were in the room and they agreed.

To this day, I can't hear this song without thinking of her doing her thing and I instantly start salivating. She eventually came to her senses and dumped my buddy. And as she was dumb as a board I'm sure she's sucking dick for cheeseburgers now, but I'd love to get in that line with a couple of Whoppers.

[Prediction: in a half-hour, I will have about a dozen emails from my friends, 8 asking who I'm talking about, 3 saying "Yeah, that was totally hot", and 1 saying, "Dude, you're an asshole."]

"Funky Kingston" Toots and the Maytals
For some reason, I've been listening to a lot of reggae recently. I have no idea where this came from. The only experience I've had with reggae until about a month ago was, of course, Bob Marley, which I listened to endlessly (along with Sublime) while smoking pot, drinking beer, and playing Bond my freshman year of college for about six hours a day. But I've been on a big Toots kick as of late. Great stuff to jam too while doing just about anything. Also, it makes me feel cooler.

"Virginia Plain" Roxy Music
It would be tough for me to think of a more hot and cold band than Roxy Music. Some of their stuff is like, "Holy crap that's awesome!" Other songs are so bad it's almost like they're a joke. But this song is MONEY. A great one to blast on the iPod while walking around thinking, "You know what, no matter what anyone says about me, I'm pretty fucking cool. And yeah, maybe one time I did try to kiss my roommate on the mouth while he slept, and yeah, maybe he did wake up and catch me attempting this and totally freaked out, but that was like four weeks ago, so I'm sure he's over it by now."

"That's No Way To Say Goodbye" Leonard Cohen
My buddy Alex, the cooler younger brother of my buddy Jon, suggested this one. I only know the following about Leonard Cohen:

1) He from Canada
2) He's Jewish
3) He's got a LOT going on (writer, poet, musician, etc)

I'm mostly unfamiliar with his work. However, this is a good one. It's a little sensitive, but when I'm hungover I'm an emotional mess, so it fits me pretty well. Also, it's got this cool twangy instrument going on in the background. I don't know what it is, but I want one. My birthday is next month - you have been warned.

"Catch My Disease" Ben Lee
Another reader suggestion, though I forget who suggested it because it was a while ago (I think). I'm writing a movie. I'm not sure what it's going to be about, but I think it's going to be about a precocious 13 year-old boy genius in New Paltz, New York who kills his neighbor's dog because he believes the dog is torturing/tormenting him. After he kills the dog, he decides to run away to live with the Amish, believing it would offer him anonymity and a place to sort things out. There are twists and turns that I won't divulge here, but he has a gay best friend and a crush on his gay best friend's twin sister (the romance part is for the ladies) and everything comes to a head in the end. It will be a dark comedy and one of the twenty best movies of all-time.

[Actually, I just made all of that up. Therefore, please don't email saying, "Dude, you stole that idea about the crush on the gay best friend's sister from (obscure movie from 1989)" or "The idea about killing the dog is totally from (CBS mini-series from 1998)." Thank you.]

But anyway, if I do write a movie, this is the song I would use to play over the end credits. I'm sort of "eh" about this guy's other stuff, but this song is so damn catchy. And we all know I love catchy songs.

"Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell" Iggy Pop & The Stooges
I started playing guitar in 8th grade, and shortly thereafter one of my oldest jokes was born. My friends and I were sitting around the park (a basketball court where we hung out that actually had zero trees) when I turned to my friend Leigh Anne:

Me: "You know, I wrote a song about you."
Leigh Anne: [touched] "Really? What's it called?"
Me: "It's called 'Something Smells Like Shit.'"
All: "OH SNAP!"

I couldn't have planned the joke better. Of course I didn't write a song called "Something Smells Like Shit" about her, but I thought it'd be funny to tell her that I did. And she totally fell for it. From that moment on, I've told about 150 girls over the past twelve years that I've written a song about them, but none have ever been so touched as Leigh Anne or asked what it was called. Usually, it goes more like:

Me: "I wrote a song about you."
Girl: "I don't even know you."


Me: "I wrote a song about you."
Girl: "Yeah, um, that's kinda creepy."
Me: "It's called 'Something Smells Like Shit.'"
Girl: "I have no idea what you're talking about."

And then I got an email from Richard in Brazil suggesting this song (he also gave me some helpful advice about drugs). And really, the title of this song works perfectly for the joke, if you change the joke just slightly:

Me: "I heard a song on the radio today that reminded me of you."
Girl: "Really? What song?"
Me: "Not sure who sings it, but it's called 'Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell.' I mean, it's like it was written for you."
Girl: "You're an asshole."
Me: "You are what you eat. Uh, I mean, you're an asshole."

Also, it's a pretty kick ass song too.

[Remember, I'm always looking for new music. If you have any songs you think I should check out, drop me an email and put "Music Suggestions" in the title. The only thing I ask is that you don't put a ton of songs on there, because otherwise it can be overwhelming. Just a handful of your faves is best. I may or may not remember to credit you, but the important things is that I do love you. So there.]

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