Everything is wrong with me
Friday, June 10, 2005
eotw, sex huts, music
I haven't done an "Email of the Week" in a while. Partially because of the laziness, but partially because there haven't been many awe-inspiring emails. That is, until Elliott (who is a girl) from Williamsburg, Brooklyn wrote me with a simple question:

how do I get 2 straight guys to kiss each other? All the lines that have worked to get me to kiss other girls don't work on them, even telling them that the most heterosexual thing that they could do is tongue wrestle. (you know, "if you're not gay, why don't you just kiss him?") I am stumped. I turn to you not just because I know you have yearned to dabble in this practice, but because you seem to have the kind of wily, twisted mind that can help me think of a perfect strategy to get my attractive, straight male friends to kiss. please advise.
Wait, what? Let me read that email over again...

how do I get 2 straight guys to kiss each other?...I turn to you not just because I know you have yearned to dabble in this practice...
Ok, I should probably clear something up. I do not want to make out with any guys. I know that I joke about it sometimes, but I do so only for the sake of tasteless humor. And you should know by now that this whole site is made-up anyways. My real name is Steve Keller and I'm a 34 year-old web designer/stay-at-home dad in Syracuse, New York. If we're being honest, we should be totally honest.

And now back to the question. This is a tough one. To be honest, I would definitely make out with a dude - for a million dollars. That's a no-brainer. I can deal with five seconds of man make-out because I'd know that six seconds later, I'd have a million dollars, which I would promptly spend in large increments over the next twelve hours on Snickers bars, iced tea, vodka, and cigarettes (I don't smoke, but I'd imagine I'd pick it up after having to kiss a guy).

But aside from the million dollars (or another sizeable sum of money), I'm not going to do it. It just wouldn't happen for me. However, since I thought it was an interesting question, I posed it to a half dozen or so of my straight guy friends. But I clarified one thing: I imagine that Elliott is not a woman of unlimited resources. She is a girl, at a bar, looking to get two of her "attractive, straight male friends" to kiss. Therefore, the bait to make out with another dude couldn't be a million dollars or a sixty-foot yacht or a home in the Caribbean. It had to be something reasonable, something that Elliot, as a girl, in a bar, could offer. And so I asked, is there any reasonable circumstance in which you would make out with a dude?

The first response I got said, "Don't ever email me again. Seriously." Some might think this response is homophobic, but I disagree. I think it's a perfectly normal way to react to your friend sending you an email at work at 10:30 on a Monday morning asking if you'd make out with a guy.

But then the replies started coming in. One guy said, "I would do anything for $100 a second that doesn't involve another man's wee-wee." Another guy admitted that though he's a "no", he'd "kiss a hot dude a lot faster than an ugly one." The other replies were: no, no, no way, no.

So I wasn't getting much info from my straight friends. Because we here at jasonmulgrew.com are committed to "surrounding" a story, I decided to go to two of my gay male friends about this, asking them if they thought that two straight guys could be cajoled into kissing for a reasonable bait. They both answered a resounding "yes". Hmmmm...

I guess it's my job to take the responses from my straight and male friends, analyze them, and give Elliott a response. So here goes: I got nothing for you. In my heart of heterosexual hearts, I do not believe that I, or any other straight guy, would kiss another guy. Getting very drunk gives a guy license to do many things that he normally wouldn't do, like talk to an attractive girl, start a fight with a bigger guy, or in my case, fall down a flight of stairs. But there are certain things that are always off limits, and for straight guys, kissing another guy has gotta be pretty high on that list.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, because it undoubtedly does. But I think that if it does happen, the guys involved have to already be predisposed to it. I call to your attention the Kinsey Scale, which we previously discussed last summer. Dr. Kinsey developed a scale, numbered 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual) and found that less than 4% of people fit either of these extremes. I contend that any straight guy who engages in make-out shenanigans with another guy, though while titularly straight, is more like a 2 on this scale. Of course there is nothing wrong with this, as our motto here at jasonmulgrew.com is "when you're judgin', you're not lovin'", but them's my two cents.

Having said all this, Elliott, you are a master negotiator and you drive a hard bargain. $60 - name the time and the place. I'll knock it down to $40 if he looks like Orlando Bloom or is over 6'3". See you then.


Great article here. You have to love Germany for two things: 1) its efficiency and 2) its legalized prostitution. It also get bonus points for its meat products and free usage of poo in porno films.

So many great things to touch on, but we'll try to limit it to four things, lest I continue writing about and expanding upon this for the next 36 hours:

1) I still can't get my mind around how men will be able to get drunk at a game and go fuck a woman in a hut (for a small fee). I don't even have a joke here because my mind is blown. Imagine...

Guy #1: "What are you doing tonight?"
Guy #2: "I'm going to the Phils game and then I'll catch a handjob."
Guy #1: "Nice. Sara and I did that last week, but she didn't get the handy obviously."
Guy #2: "Obviously. They do a good job with those sex huts in the parking lot, don't they?"
Guy #1: "They are excellent."

2) This point comes courtesy of my buddy Joe, who sent me the article:

I love the fact about how many pro's [prostitutes] are going to converge on the city for the world cup. Who are the experts and how do they arrive at the number of migrant hookers? What is the logic behind that figure and how gross is the "Sex Tent City" going to be?
Couldn't agree more. Was this cut out of the article?

"Dr. Julius Rumphel, Professor of Migratory Prostitution Studies at Cologne University, expects an incredible convergence of prostitutes in the city. 'Early reports have told us that prostitutes may be coming from as far as Sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia,' he says. 'Myself and three of my finest graduate students have been crunching numbers and analyzing trends and we believe around 40,000 ladies of the night will come for the World Cup to have sex with strangers for money. And I, for one, can't wait!'"
3) I wonder if any of these sex huts are available for full-time occupation.

[two guys at BBQ]
Guy #1: "So where are you living these days?"
Guy #2: "You know, I just moved into a sex hut at Graham and 9th, and I gotta say, I love it."
Guy #1: "Really, I've heard mixed reviews about them."
Guy #2: "Well, it's not the biggest place, but it's got everything I need: a condom machine, a snack bar, enough space for my car, and a place to act out all of my fantasies anonymously in a sheltered area."
Guy #1: "That sounds pretty good. My buddy at work has been trying to get one for a few months now. How did you do it?"
Guy #2: "Well, I knew a guy."
Guy #1: "Isn't that always how it goes?"
Guy #2: "I'll drink to that!"

4) The last line is my favorite, I think:

"That said there will always be those who want to go behind a bush, under a bridge or into the woods."
Because really, you have not lived until you have had troll sex under a bridge with a prostitute.

I mean, unreal.


Six songs:

“In Ohio” Joseph Arthur
Apparently, this guy is good. All I know is that this is the best song on his album and it's about 45 seconds long. Heck of a song though...it makes me want to sit and watch the rain and cry.

“Cold Sweat” James Brown
The Godfather sings, “I don’t care about your past/I just want our love to last.” Not me, sister. I certainly care about your past. So if you’ve dated any of the Portland Trailblazers or are intimately familiar with the term “bukkake”, please tell me now so we don’t waste each other’s time. Thank you.

“A Conspiracy” The Black Crowes
After hearing this song, I feel like Chris Robinson must be so exhausted after singing it that he has to take a nap. Or maybe just get high and have sex with his gorgeous wife. Whichever.

“Police on My Back” The Clash
I know I've written about this song before, but if you put this on and ten seconds later you're not beating the shit out of someone, then you have no soul. Or you're just deaf and can't hear the song. Whichever.

“Be My Number Two” Joe Jackson
Oh my god! "Number two" means poo! This is hilarious!

It's a shame that I'm not mature enough to get through this song with laughing so hard that I pee myself a little, because it's a lovely song. Another Joe Jackson song while we're at it...

“I’m The Man” Joe Jackson
Story time: I was in one and half bands in college. I wasn't very serious about it, because I wasn't very good. I got my first guitar when I was 13, for Christmas in 1992. I picked it up very quickly, but I was as good as I was ever going to get in about 1995. I played a bunch in college, but I never hung out with other musicians (musicians tend to be very sucky people). Instead, for most of college I played guitar for my roommates and friends and we made up retarded songs about retarded things. Our biggest hits were probably "Masturbation", "Eviction", "Nelson", "Later Powers", "Fucked Up For The Weekend" and our last hit "God Damn It (It's Not My Fault)", which had the Dylan-esque chorus of "It's not my fault I like to drink/It's not my fault I like to puke some".

But then I found out that one of my roommates was a drummer. Another friend of ours was this jacked dude who was a kick-ass singer. We picked up a guitar player (I would play bass) and suddenly we had ourselves a band, Royce. It was supposed to be pronounced "Hoyce", after the Brazilian street fighter Royce Gracie, but no one picked up on that and pronounced the "R" anyway. And for the record, I had very little input on the name; my suggestions of "Jason Mulgrew and The Skullcaps", "Jason Mulgrew and What the Fuck?" and "Jason Mulgrew Presents Jason Mulgrew and Three Other Guys" were all shot down. Assholes.

We played mostly covers, hard rocks ones by Rage, Van Halen, Zeppelin, Tool, on campus and at bars around town. We were terrible and the music was bad, but we had fun, got to drink for free, always packed the places we played, and one time after a show at Middlebury College in Vermont I got a blowjob in the woods. So all in all, good stuff.

After college, I still played, but much less so. I didn't know any other people who were interested in being in a band in NYC, and NYC is a tough place to be for anyone trying to start a band for fun but not seriously looking to "go for it". At the behest of my buddy Mike, who is far and away the most gifted musician I've ever been around, I took a week off in the summer of 2002 to go to DC to record a four song demo with him.

The results were nearly disastrous. I crashed at Mike's place and he had cats, which I am deathly allergic to. I spent the week living off booze, allergy pills, and since I was broke, very little food. Mike, who sort of has that "disturbed genius" thing going, would spend hours and hours working on the music, while I took naps and watch "The Price is Right". Conflict ensued.

We finally finished the demo and I was unhappy with it. My allergies to the cats killed my voice (I told you guys I have a voice like an angel), so I sounded terrible. The music was ok, but I left before it was totally finished and Mike put the final touches on it. Good, but not what I would have done. This demo still exists, and I am sure it will surface when I am famous and will completely destroy any career I might have.

After that incident, I have been playing music less and less. I still enjoy music, and sure, every once in a while I'll pick up the guitar and write a song about a particularly delicious slice of pizza, but I feel like since I'm not good enough to be serious about it, I'm, well, not that serious about it.

With the recent move from a large place to a medium place, I now have a smaller bedroom. Still, crammed in this bedroom, I have four guitars, a keyboard, a mic and stand, a four-track, and a giant amp. Though I haven't seriously used this stuff in a while, I've had it in NYC with me all the time. It dawned on me finally that I'm going to have to get rid of it. I just don't have the room and I don't use it enough to keep all this stuff in my room. Sad.

But now, I'm not so sure anymore. This song makes me want to start playing seriously again. It's perfect: it's energetic but easy to play, and totally something I could get up in front of people and rock out to. I feel like if I were messed up enough, I'd drag my roommate Brian out into the middle of the street to play this live with me. I don't particularly care for the lyrics, but that wouldn't matter in our impromptu live performance, since most of the people in my neighborhood don't speak English anyway.

So download it. I like it. You might not. Whatever. This is America.

(Thanks to my buddy Griff for recommending it to me)

(And have a good weekend)

(Everyone, not just Griff)

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