Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
the miracle of science
I'm not a scientist or a doctor, but I am a drinker. And I can say with 100% certainty that this will never, ever work.

The gist of the article is that a plant, the kudzu vine, will help reduce binge drinking. When taken in pill form before drinking, the extract makes a person get drunk quicker. Therefore, they don't need to drink as much to get drunk. Less alcohol = good for body.

With all due respect: no, no, no. To me, this sounds completely incorrect (as I'm sure it does to most drinkers reading this). When I drink, I drink a shit-load of fucking beers. I do this to get fucked up and forget the fact that I am an undesirable and generally disagreeable person. Rarely do I stop drinking unless I physically can not continue drinking (i.e. I fall asleep at the bar, my stomach says, "We need some fucking pizza - NOW", I get hit by a cab because I'm chasing an imaginary bunny down 2nd Avenue, etc).

I imagine that this will not curb drinking. I imagine that it will only get drinkers even more fucked up. If you give this extract to most drinkers, bad things are going to happen. Really bad things.

After all, isn't this just another way to get fucked up? Wouldn't pregame rituals all over the country consist of a few red bull and vodkas, a shot or two, and a couple of kudzu pills? Wouldn't these kudzu pills become a staple on college campuses all over the country? Do these researchers not know the joy of taken a Xanax or two or some painkillers and then having a few beers? Because it's awesome. Really, really awesome.

I understand that it might work in some ways. The casual drinker, who comes home after work and has three or four beers would probably have one on the kudzu, as the study shows. But what about the manic-depressive maniac who toils all week at his crappy job only to burst into an orgy of alcoholism and gluttony on the weekends? You think something that helps him on the way to drunken bliss, something that allows him to get black-out drunk in half the time, is actually going to (physiologically) help him? Oh lord.

And what about drunk driving? I know that the article said that these pills increases your blood-alcohol level, but by how much? Let's say you've had four beers over two hours at a party (without the kudzu pill). You feel fine, and fully operational, with a blood-alcohol level of around .05. Now when we add the kudzu, is it:

- four beers with kudzu = blood alcohol level of .07. You feel like you've had six beers and though you probably shouldn't be driving, you're confident you can pull it off.

Or is it:

- four beers with kudzu = blood alcohol level of .07. You feel like you've had twelve beers and could punch most bears in the face and get away with it. Also, you'd love some onion rings right about now.
I'm very curious about this.

Scientists, you are opening a Pandora's box here. I am already thinking about how I can get my hands on these pills. I envision myself getting a hold of them, taking more than prescribed, drinking the same amount of beers as I would had I not taken them, then getting blasted and diving into an empty pool or getting pregnant (not sure how, but just go with it). The good news is that you can buy kudzu at your local GNC or Vitamin Shoppe. Since two of the three things I'm most passionate about in life are getting fucked up and investigative journalism, expect a full report after this weekend. That is, if the third thing I'm most passionate about - doing absolutely nothing - doesn't get in the way. Keep your fingers crossed.

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