Everything is wrong with me
Friday, May 20, 2005
love, lust, and betrayal: the Abreu-Machado story
[FYI: This is NOT about sports. Just keep reading. Trust me.]

Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Bobby Abreu found himself in an interesting predicament recently. His fiancée, Alicia Machado, a former Miss Venezuela and Miss Universe, was filmed on a Mexican reality tv show having sex with another man.


I do not advocate violence against women. Not ever. And I'm not going to joke about it here. If you were comb over this site, you would not find one single joke about it (go ahead - I'll wait). I abstain from this mostly because it's not funny, but also because if I've learned one thing about women in the past 25 years, it's that they do NOT like jokes about violence against women. If I've learned two things about women in the past 25 years, it's that they do NOT like jokes about violence against women and asking women you meet at bars "You're on the pill, right?" is NOT going to get you laid. But I digress...

But re: jokes about violence against women. Your coolest girl friend, the same one who will laugh hysterically when you talk about shitting your pants or having sex with fat chicks or and catching an STD from jerking off in a garbage disposal, will cringe at the first mention of any sort of violence against women. It just doesn't go over well.

HOWEVER, I have in the past on this site joked about murder (it's cool - I can joke about it because my uncle was murdered). I think murder should be divided into two categories: Bad Murder and It's Still Bad I Guess But I Can See How It Happened Murder.

Bad Murder would cover all senseless crimes. These are the kind you see most often on the news: random killings, whether premeditated or not, born out of greed, anger, or insanity. These are not good.

On the other hand, like its title implies, It's Still Bad I Guess But I Can See How It Happened Murder is slightly different. These are the types of situations where a man's wife is murdered and the man kills the murderer, or when a boy's father is killed before his eyes by a gang of Turkish youths in Bereket in 1982 and over twenty years later after training every single day the boy travels back to Turkey to find and destroy his father's killers and along the way falls in love with a beautiful Turkish barmaid who happens to be the daughter of the leader of the Turkish gang who killed his dad, the result of which is a complicated web of honor vs. passion and love vs. revenge the likes of which the world has never known and will win me an Oscar in the year 2010 when I finally finish the script, an award I will receive posthumously as in September of the previous year I will have died, having choked on a gyro I was eating while riding a horse. You know, that kinda thing.

And if there was ever any legitimate excuse to murder the crap out of another person, an example of It's Still Bad I Guess But I Can See How It Happened Murder, seeing your fiancée fucking another guy on national television has got to be pretty up there.

Getting cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world. First and foremost, there's the betrayal. The jolt of "I loved her - how could she do this to me?" that makes you feel like you've been shot in the stomach. After that comes the self-doubt, the "She cheated because I'm not good enough for her or for anyone" that starts slowly at first but then pervades every aspect of your life. Finally, there is that delightful combination of cynicism and baggage that will stay with you for months or even years to come ("I'm never falling in love/trusting a woman again").

The point is it's really, really bad. But in the case of Abreu and his fiancée, it's even worse, because there are three extraneous circumstances here:

1) It's on TV! I'd imagine that watching your fiancée have sex on a reality tv show is pretty bad. If it were "Survivor", it would be bad, but not so much. At least there'd be some fame involved for you and her, meaning her whoreishness would be displayed in front of the whole country and you'd probably get some SERIOUS pity pussy. If it were "Temptation Island" or one of those second rate shows, it'd be a lot worse. Not enough people watch it for you to get any real pity pussy, but it's popular enough that every person in your life would know you as "the dude whose fiancée banged some other dude on a crappy reality show."

But watching your fiancée have sex on a Mexican reality show? What the fuck? Mexicans have reality TV? I thought all they did down there was mug unsuspecting Spring-Breaking gringos and deliver food to each other's houses? What's the show about, escaping north to take the jobs that not even black people will take (smooth, El Presidente)? What's worse, the show is called "La Granja", which means "The Farm". So your fiancée decided to bang some dude on TV and she picks a reality show in Mexico called "The Farm". Ouch, baby. Very ouch.

2) The video is easy to download. Immediately upon hearing about this story, I set off in a search to find the video. And oh boy - I found it. And oh boy - wow. I can't put it on here (I don't even know how to put pictures on here), but you can download it easily by searching for "Alicia Machado" and "la granja" and "sex" via Limewire or whatever file-sharing software you have.

Since I can't put it on here, I will endeavor to describe it. First, it's one of those night-vision dealies that Paris Hilton made so popular. The screen is split between the scenes from the reality show on one side and women watching the scenes on the other. Think something like two women on the Mexican version of "Oprah" watching the night vision sex scenes, gasping in horror on the right side of the screen. On the left side, which is larger, the sex scenes are displayed in all their glory.

I should tell you right away that there is NO nudity. Sad, but true. But fortunately, that does not mean there isn't any sex. No sir. Basically the hidden cameras (which are not exactly "hidden" because these people know they are on a reality tv show and thus being filmed) capture two people in bed rolling around. This is Ms. Machado and some guy from Mexico or one of those Mexico-type countries. At first it's sort of playful and nothing's going on. They are under the covers, so you can only see their heads and maybe an occasional arm or two.

Then it cuts to later in the video and you see the dude on top of the girl doing some SERIOUS humping. At this point, the two women on the right side of the screen watching the video begin gasping in horror and shock. You can't tell if the couple is naked because like I said they're under the sheets, but there's some very intense humping going on.

Then the video cuts to the woman on top of the man, and there's more humping. She's laying parallel on top of him rather than perpendicular so again all you see is heads poking out of some blankets, but you can also hear heavy breathing and panting.

In the final scene, we cut to an overhead shot. The camera is on top of the bed, on the ceiling looking directly down (again, this is all in that green night-vision stuff). The man and the woman are completely covered under the sheets, and now they are REALLY going at it. The pounding intensifies until you hear some final gasping groans/grunts/moans, and (the body shape of) Ms. Alicia Machado, fiancée of Bobby Abreu, collapses on her man under the blankets. The couple throws the blanket of their heads - probably so they can get some air - and makes after-sex talk. Since Spanish is a language built to be spoken at warp speed and I only have a crude understanding of it, I could only gather Alicia saying something like, "My god - I like that" while the dude laughs to himself. End of video.

[I would be laughing to myself and feeling pretty good too, since she's extremely hot. Here's a picture of her. I mean, wow.]

3) Latin men don't take this shit well. Latin men (and women) are very, very proud. I know this not because I have a lot of Latin friends, but because I'm making a guess that feels right. Also, one time on Howard Stern, B Real from Cypress Hill was being interviewed and when Howard asked about why his relationship with Carmen Electra fell apart, he said something like, "I'm a Latin man and I couldn't take it" (meaning the jealousy etc). And I may have totally made that up, but whatever.


Now, most men in this circumstance would resort to something destructive. Some would hit the bottle in an effort to drink away their pain. Some would retreat into a shell and shun their friends and loved ones. Some would go on an arson rampage, burning down hotels whose names start with the letters "K", "L", and "T". Some men opt for a Detroit Divorce (when a man whose wife is cheating on him kills her lover, kills her, then kills himself). I know I would probably do the one about burning down the hotels. I just fucking hate hotels.

But what is extraordinary about the Abreu-Machado is not the ridiculous circumstances under which the infidelity occurred, but how Bobby Abreu reacted to it. His only comment to the media was no comment, except to say that the relationship was over. And then he took all his aggravation out on the baseball field.

Since this story broke in the beginning of May, Abreu has been on an absolute tear, the hottest hitter in baseball (with all due respect to Tino Martinez). Since May 1, Abreu is batting an astounding .448 (with an on-base percentage of .560) and 11 homeruns and 26 RBIs in only 17 games, including 9 homeruns over a 10 game span. You don't have to be a baseball fan to know that this guy is kicking some serious ass. Pre-cuckold Abreu was batting .261 with only 1 homer and 7 RBIs in 24 games. I guess there's nothing like your fiancée fucking some dude on tv to really kick your game into high gear.

And the good news for Bobby is that though this fiancée did cheat on him on TV, a) he's still a star baseball player; b) he still rich; and so c) he can probably get a lot of hot women. I guess if something like this is going to happen to you, it's not as bad if you can go out and crush the baseball and then come home and have sex with three gorgeous women on a big pile of money.

And so what have we learned:

1) Mexico has reality tv and an umemployment rate of 3.3% (compared the US's 5.8%)
2) Alicia Machado is a whore, but I would still marry her because she's super, super hot
3) Bobby Abreu is a strong man who I would probably not fuck with
4) The internet, where any video clip is just a click away, is a wonderful place
5) I really need a hobby

Have a good weekend.

[This story was originally broken by Ace Cowboy over at Slack Lalane, who also sent me the link to the original news story in philly.com. Many thanks to Ace.]

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