Everything is wrong with me
Monday, May 09, 2005
 
Jason Mulgrew's Guide to Stripping, Part II
[After a long delay, we will now move onto Part II to Jason Mulgrew’s Guide to Stripping. If you missed Part I, you can catch it here.]

And now, on with the rules...

I have a small confession. I won't be discussing the most essential rule of stripping. You see, any professional dancer will tell you that the first and most important rule of stripping is learning the art of disassociation.

Remember, strippers are people too. Sure, not very good people, people pretty much going to hell when they die, but people still. Some of them even have (gasp!) pride. In order to rub themselves against strange lonely men for dollar bills every night, they have to learn how to take themselves out of the moment. In lieu of a physical barrier, they must build a psychological barrier between themselves and their customers. Thus the art of disassociation.

Take a stripper to an IHOP at 4:30 in the morning and she'll tell you that after a while it's like the customer isn't even there - she's able to go through the motions regardless of who she's grinding on. Over some lukewarm flapjacks and cold coffee, your stripper friend will go on and on about how it she doesn’t even have feelings about dancing anymore, that she can’t tell you if the guy she’s dancing for is white or black, fat or thin, that nothing really matters because she’s numb to the whole experience. She’ll tell you this and it’ll make you feel kinda weird and sad, but that won't stop you from offering her $12 for a handjob in the parking lot of the IHOP (“Come on – we can go behind that dumpster. I’m already almost there, so it won’t take a minute.”) Because after all, you gots to get yours and $12 can go pretty far in Kentucky.

But since I'm talking about a woman stripping for her man, there is no need to learn the art of disassociation. Conversely, a woman should remain very much in the moment with her man. After all, this is about love, or at the very least, meaningless sex between two consenting adults. Probably.

Here are my five major rules for stripping for your man:

1) Establish “the look”. By this I mean you have to create the image, pick the song, and generally prepare.

The image: It doesn't matter what look you go for - bikini beach babe, sexually adventurous school girl, lingerie sex-pot, aggressive cop, sexy pirate, naughty invalid - but the key is to feel comfortable both physical and mentally. I haven’t worn lingerie for, like, three months, so I’m afraid I can’t offer much technical advice on this subject. Get something that feels good, makes you think you look like a sex-pot, and can be removed fairly easily in mid-gyration.

The song: This isn’t as important as you think. Again, you need something that makes you comfortable. I’ve seen strippers peel off their clothes to AC/DC, Prince and everything in between. You need something that you like and makes you wanna shake your hips. FYI: I would stay away from songs like “She Drives Me Crazy” by the Fine Young Cannibals and “Brick” by Ben Folds Five. These are not sexy songs. Not at all.

The preparation: Practice. I’m not saying that you should get a mannequin, set him up in a chair, and rub your boobies all over him, but you should do two things: 1) get a feel for the song and its climatic moments and 2) get a feel for your outfit. After all, you wouldn’t take a driver’s test without freebasing and driving around an empty parking lot first or lose your virginity without having sex with a microwaved chicken breast first, would you? Would you? I didn' think so.

2) Get drunk. Not "I can't stand up and I think I just got hit by a car but I’m not sure" drunk, but rather "I am the hottest fucking thing in the world and I could probably run for President and win because I'm so fucking awesome and hot" drunk. For me, this usually comes around drink eight, when I manage to forget that I have larger breasts than most women and thinning hair that comes out in clumps. But please, don’t use me as a barometer for your drinking. On Saturday night my friends and I were at a bar with a roof deck and when I got cut off for being "obnoxious", I ate three plants that were on the deck to keep getting fucked up. So use your own judgment.

3) Get him drunk. This should be easy. Say something like, "Listen honey, I'm going to do some stripping for you. But first, I need you to get drunk. Here's a vodka tonic and there's plenty more in the fridge and a pizza is on the way. So get drinking." I don't know too many men who could resist that line. Hell, in my case, I'm drunk right now. A nice little buzz should counterbalance any awkwardness, so get him liquored up.

4) Relax. For some reason, women are WAY too self-conscious about their bodies. Of all womanly traits, this is the most unnecessary and unfounded. Ladies, your man thinks you're hot. It's really that simple. You shouldn't worry about whether or not your guy will like your lil' strip show, because he will. Trust me. Because he thinks you're hot. Trust me. There are a multitude of other things that a woman should worry about in a relationship - her partner's fidelity, pregnancy, STD's, her man constantly wanting to start fires - but worrying about your self-image is not one of them. So relax...you are a sex-pot.

5) Dance, dance, dance. One rule here: no kissing. The kiss is the corpus delicti of bad stripping. No real stripper would ever kiss her customer (no professional real stripper would at least). Save the kissing for later. Remember, we’re trying to create a mood here, an environment even, to increase a sexual experience. One of my favorite quotes about getting it on goes something like, “The best part of making love is the walk up the stairs.” Anticipation is key, so no smooches until later.

As far as actual dancing is concerned, here’s a general rule: a lot, then a little. Stripping is a type of seduction. Seduction is a manipulation of desire. Desire is an extension of want. Make your man want. Go through periods where you are very close to him, on top of him, rubbing your body against his. Then, alternate these times with times of distance, when you’re off his body and away from him, dancing in front of him. Too much grinding is too easy. Too little physical contact may make your man bored. Find a balance and make him want.

[You know what? I’m getting a little worked up over here. I think I need a minute.

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...

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Ok, I’m back. And now I really want a sandwich.]

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And that's about it. I'm not going to tell you what to do next, because it's been so long that I honestly don't remember. I'm so out of practice that if I were given a strip-tease today, afterward I might get up to poop or go get a bagel. Usually after I leave a strip club, I get in a cab with a kebab and some hurt and make my way back to my apartment, usually for a night cap and if available, some mozzarella sticks. That's just me though. Oh, and my roommates Brian and Ben too. They are losers just like me.

But I hope that my little treatise here will help the sex lives of couples all over the world; that it might bring them the sexual enjoyment that so eludes me, save for whenever I attend the local middle school's talent show or whenever I see Sir Elton John perform. That next time they are together in the throes of love-making, they might stop only for a moment to say, "Thank you Jason Mulgrew. You are truly a magnificent son of a bitch." before continuing their dance of love.

But if not, that's cool. At least I got two days worth of posting out of it.



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