Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Jason Mulgrew's Guide to Stripping: Part I
Recently I had a conversation with a young lady who asked me, "Jason, what's the best song to strip to?" This young lady asked not to be identified here, probably because she is the little sister of one of my friends (queue my office phone ringing in 3..2..1...).

I thought it was an excellent question and it started an unintended thought process. Men spend hours and hours and tons of money on strip clubs when in many cases - many, not most - they have their very own attractive female sitting at home, willing to make love to them AND do it for free.

Why is this? Why is that guys I know who have beautiful girlfriends go to these clubs to have a strange woman rub against him at the cost of $20 (not including tip) or $10 per song (not to mention the $15 cover charge and $12 weak drinks)? It just doesn't seem right, does it?

And I thought, "I can help. I'm pretty much fucking famous and I can help. I'm not sure what one has to do with the other, but I like telling myself that I'm pretty much fucking famous. Because I am. I'm pretty much fucking famous." So in an effort to bring the sexes together and make guys' lives a little better, I'm writing this one for the ladies. Ladies, may I present to you: Jason Mulgrew's Guide To Stripping.

While I have never personally stripped (thank god - I'm retching just thinking about it), if any man is qualified to write a "How To" of stripping, it's me. I have been going to strip clubs for as long as I've had proper ID and have been to nudie bars all over the world (well, all over the US and parts of Europe). I've been in all types of strip joints, from full nudity brothels to bikini dance places. And most importantly, I have "befriended" in various ways a number of strippers over the years (wink wink).

My intention here is to give some rules about stripping, so that you can feel comfortable doin' a lil' dance for your man. Perhaps it can spice up your sex life. Perhaps it can save him some money and you some aggravation. Perhaps you've already stopped reading. I don't really care.

But first before we delve into the guide to stripping, I need to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions of the strip club and what happens at the strip club. Last week, I was talking with a female friend of mine about how I am looking forward to organizing my buddy Steve's bachelor party next year. I was going on and on about the all the strip clubs we're going to go to, when we had this exchange:

Her: "I don't like strip clubs; they're just gross. With the towel and all - ugh."
Me: "'Towel?' What do you mean?"
Her: "You know, the towel they put on your lap when they dance on you."
Me: "Um, they don't put a towel on your lap. Wait - you think they put a towel on your lap to catch spooge?"
Her: "Yeah. That's what they do, right?"

No, no, no. There is no towel involved in a lap dance. There is no spooging either. I have gotten over a hundred lap dances and have never once been driven to spooge, nor have I heard of anyone doing this. Lap dances basically go like this: a stripper will come over to ask you if you want a dance. This is a whole science in itself - picking the stripper you want the dance from requires analysis based on looks, dancing ability, cleanliness, command of the English language, ability to file police reports, etc - but I won't get into that here.

So you'll agree. She either pull you over to the side or take you someplace away from the rest of the club and grind on you for about five minutes, possibly longer. Most of the time, there is no touching involved; you sit with your hands at your sides like a good little boy. Depending upon a number of factors (how good-looking you are, how shady the club is, how much coke your stripper has just done, how many kids she has by different fathers, etc), there may be some touching involved, even groping by the guy on the stripper, not the other way around. If I had to break it down, I'd say:

- 80% of the time there is no touching at all;
- 15% of the time there is some light PG-13 touching (i.e. slight caresses on non-genital areas; incidental contact);
- 4% of the time there's R-rated touching (i.e. grabbing of boobies, butt);
- less than 1% of the time do you get some real deal XXX shit, and that's usually at really, really sketchy places (i.e. sticking whole wallet into woman's vagina).

After the dance is over, the girl will say "Thank you" and you'll give her the $20 plus a small tip (usually $5, but in my case up to $20). What can be deadly is if the girl says, "Would you like another?", which in most cases she will. This is dangerous. Asking a drunk lonely man who's just had a sexy lady rubbing her butt against his bird for five minutes if he'd like some more is like asking, well, I don't have a joke here, but you get it. My personal record is three consecutive lap dances, but a buddy of mine once had four in a row on two separate occasions (I think at four they stop you, lest you start stalking them).

And that's pretty much it. The striper will walk away and go mingle with other patrons, while the lap dancee will return to his buddies and immediately rate the dance and dancer. Repeat, if desired. Otherwise, it's exactly like a bunch of guys hanging out at bar, except the drinks are twice as expensive and there are naked woman dancing in front you of compelling you to put singles in their underwear.

So that's essentially what happens at a strip club. There is such a thing as "the champagne room", but I don't think this is the time or place to get into it, as this is a guide to stripping, not a guide to strip clubs. I will only say that it's basically like an hour long lap dance with a bottle of champagne involved. It's quite awkward actually - you and a random hot chick drinking champagne while she sits on your lap, pretending not to mind your gigantic erection while you remember to take deep breaths to slow your heart rate. I don't personally recommend this, especially since in NYC this costs something like $350. No thanks.

And so on with the stripping...

[Tune in tomorrow (or Friday) for the exciting conclusion!]

[Sorry, but I have a LOT left to say and I just got slammed at work. Such is life.]

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