Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
two people who are awesome
What a wonderful weekend! I did so much! Living in New York is great! I love myself! Yay!

Whatever. Here are two people who are awesome.

1) Ray Lamontagne is AWESOME. On Saturday night, I saw Ray Lamontagne play at Webster Hall. I know I've been preaching about how great he is for about, oh, ever, but really, he's pretty f'in' awesome. To wit, I went to the concert with seven other people, three guys and four girls (no, it was not a quadruple date). Two of the girls we went with had never heard any of his stuff before, but went because it was something to do and they've heard the buzz about him.

Ray opened the show with the song "Burn In My Skin", a devastatingly sad number about when your lady moves on with another man that has lines like, "So kiss him again/Just to prove to me that you can/I will stand here and burn in my skin". When I looked at the girls at the end of the song hoping to read approval on their faces, one of them was actually crying. I shit you not - crying - after hearing that song. And, she was sober (for the most part). If that isn't a testament to how good this guy is, I don't know what is.

It got a little more cheery after that, but not much. By then end of the show I was buzzed off numerous $6 bottles of Bud and VERY depressed. I met up with some friends at a bar around the corner from the concert hall, where I proceeded to throw down my card at ring up an $81 bar tab, though I don't remember buying a drink for anyone else. The next 16 hours went pretty much per the usual: a slice of pizza and a beef patty followed by 6 hours of restless, alcohol-induced sleep; a hungover morning that featured a giant stack of pancakes; an uncomfortably long shower; a nap; more pizza; and finally baseball. Oh, to be young and in New York City!

But the show was most excellent, so just buy the cd or download a song or two already asshole.

2) Kira Kener is AWESOME (in a much different way than Ray Lamontagne is). Kira Kener is a pornstar. Here is a page that has some pictures of her that are safe for work from the Kiss website (ugh - Kiss sucks).

I am convinced that God put Kira Kener on this earth to torture me. I know it, He knows it, and she probably knows it. Sort of like, "Hey Mulgrew - check this out. Guess what? You will never, ever, ever be able to have her. You fat bastard." She is my favorite porn star and has been for a long time. I would like to say that she is my muse, as many times when I write (by the way, I'm writing a book and a tv show), I'll watch some of her work in an effort to get inspired. Instead, I'll forget the writing altogether, masturbate, and wind up needing to take a long nap to recuperate. So she's not my muse, but I would certainly tell her that if she let me smell her hair, which I'm sure smells like a mix of roses, potpourri, and old semen (translation: delightful).

Last night, I was watching a newly-downloaded clip of hers, and by the end I was so thoroughly disturbed that I abandoned the whole "playing with myself" thing altogether. In the porno, she was making love to a man - a simple man-woman scene. As the sex was gaining momentum, building toward a climax (and as I pounded away on my sad little penis as if he had been responsible for both the pope's death and the breakdown of the frozen yogurt machine at work earlier in the day), the dude pulled out to spooge on Kira's face - standard for a porn scene. But then, after he was done spooging, he laid down next to Kira and (god - it's even hard to type this it's so gross) proceeded to lick his own semen off her face.


Upon seeing this, I made a noise similar to a sound one would make after being punched in the throat, and my once-mighty penis retreated inside my body like a frightened turtle on speed. My expression, once lusty, turned to a mix of confused horror, as I rocked backward on my chair, rolling away from the computer that I was watching the clip on, trying to distance myself from the horrible horrible horribleness. I let out a few audible "Oh God"s as I got up from the chair and raced into the bathroom, where I hid until the scene was over (which was thankfully not long). And by the way, I was completely naked for this whole time.

I mean, eating your own semen? WTF? Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty freaky - I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom - but never have I thought after sex or masturbating, "You know what? I wonder what my jizz tastes like. I bet it's onion rings." Good LORD.

I still love Kira, and I always will, so that's not the issue. The issue is that I'm going to seriously reconsider my porn downloading tactics, which heretofore have been "download everything". I haven't had this sort of existential/porn-downloading crisis since early fall, when I downloaded a clip that was just a little too grainy and the girl looking a little too young for me to feel comfortable about having it on my computer. Of course, after a few beers I grew comfortable, but it still wasn't finest moment.

Thus, this scene is now the #2 worst scene I've ever seen in a porno.

[And of course I'll give you numbers one and three:

#3: I don't remember the name of the porno, but it was set on a farm. A dude was starting to get it on with a woman in pigtails and a tied-off flannel shirt who was very attractive. As he was kissing her boobies however, something went horribly awry: she started shooting milk out of her nipples. Like all over his face. And the dude was all into it as milk was pouring out of her nips. NOT sexy. Not sexy at all. Fortunately, I was able to regroup and get the job done, but that's only because I saw this when I was maybe 16, at my sexual prime. Had I seen this now at 25, I wouldn't have been able to look at a bare booby again for at least a week. I mean, damn.

#1. Though the scene with Kira was bad, nothing tops this. The movie was called "The Zone", a Vivid Picture starring, among others, Dyanna Lauren, Kobe Tai, and Peter North. I tell you it's Vivid and give you the names of the stars to prove that this wasn't some weird underground fetish porn; it was a major studio with mainstream stars, which makes what happened even more inexplicable.

"The Zone" itself was some sort of sex club where people went to find like-minded individuals to get it on with. When any scenes would occur in The Zone, there'd be a lot of cut to's, meaning one couple would be having sex, then they cut to another couple having sex, then back to the first couple, then back to the second, etc.

This particular scene was exactly like that. The first couple was a man and a woman, the chick giving the dude a beejer. Then it cuts to another scene, where a woman is standing, apparently getting oral. It only shows you her face in rapture, and she's kinda busted. The camera pans slowly down, and as you get to her exposed boobs you figure that for sure someone is going down on this chick (sorry for the graphic content, but stay with me here).

So all this is standard porn, nothing special. The camera continues panning down, past the chick's boobs, and the head of a woman comes into view from the bottom of the screen, so I figure it's a girl-on-girl scene. Yet it's weird, because the girl giving the oral seems to be bobbing her head, something usually doesn't happen when the person getting the oral is a woman, but I think nothing of this, as I'm beating my penis like it owes me money. The camera continues to scroll down the body of the woman further and reveals more of what the woman giving is doing and HOLY SHIT THE CHICK HAS A DICK!

No. Words.




Ok, I don't even know if I can go on here, but as you can guess, this was not appealing to me. Not that there's anything wrong with she-males or anything (my brother is bisexual), but that wasn't exactly what I was looking for at that moment.

The best part is that I then loaned my buddy Kyle the porn, "coincidentally" forgetting to mention the scene with the she-male. About two weeks later I got a frantic call from Kyle, "DUDE - what the FUCK was that scene about with the chick who had a bird? I mean, what the fuck?" So I guess it worked out for everyone in the end. And no, I'm not going to explain why or how, but I needed a way to end this because over 1200 words on porn is a little bad (even for me) and "So I guess it worked out for everyone" sounded pretty good at the time.

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