Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, April 07, 2005
the formula
If I learned anything from yesterday's post, it's that I pissed off a lot of slutty women. I mean, wow.

I checked my email this morning and it was overflowing with responses: rants from loose women calling me every name in the book (don't take it out on me because you were a cum dumpster in college, sister - I didn't put the D's in your mouth, unless that was you on October 8, 2000 in the basement bathroom at Edmonds Hall, passed out under the sink) to missives from large women saying that as a fat person I should be more sensitive (I should be, but I just can't) to mini-essays from women saying that I'm close but not quite there (though few offered constructive criticisms) and everything in between.

And then I got an email from Andy in Chicago and it blew my mind. Read it slowly, but if you take your time and digest it you will be amazed. Andy writes:
I have the formula [to determine the number of men a woman has slept with]:

(X / (H/W)) x S/5 x D/4 = # partners

H = height (in inches)
W = weight (in pounds)
S = sociability (1-10, with ten being most social)
D = drunkenness (1-10, with 10 being Christian Slater)
X = sexual multiplier (1-4, see scale below)

1 – Goes to church on Saturday if she has an obligation on Sunday, both parents are together, only child, active in the community, doesn't use profanity, has once exclaimed "There were people smoking marijuana cigarettes at that party!"

2 – Regularly attends church, knows how to flirt to get drinks, had her "crazy years" in college but still knows how to have fun, can talk about sex in a mixed group, has had boyfriends but mostly dates.

3 – After several drinks will either show you or let you feel her tits, tells funny sexual anecdotes, has slept with you or one of your friends and would do it again, Catholic but never attends mass.

4 – Abused as a child, may have had the name "beer-whore" in college, has had several sexual encounters in church, you know someone who has contracted HPV from her, if she were a sovereign state, head would be the currency.

The height/weight ratio doesn't vary too much when you play with the numbers. The extremes I came up with ranged from 0.4 to 0.6. Ratios of 5'0" 100 lbs and 6'0" 120 lbs came out to 0.6 on the thin extreme. Ratios of 5'0" 150 lbs and 6'0" 180 lbs came out to 0.4. Any range beyond these extremes and the formula becomes irrelevant (hey, God knows I've done my share of hogging, but 4'10" 170 is just not going to happen).

After seeing that a 0.2 differential in ratios doesn't skew the results, I realized that there had to be something more to add. The multiplier compounds the ratio and gives us a starting point. After that, the sociability and drunkenness variables are simply adjusters.

So, before I go into examples know this; your girls lied. Nine seems to be a very convenient (and popular) number when you ask around. What about the guys? I think we average more than nine. So how are we getting laid by more women? The 4's give up quite a few, but as you'll see below, the 2's and 3's are underestimating themselves a bit.

Average girl – X=2, H=64 (5'4"), W=140 (not what it says on your license), S=6, D=5
So, we get 2 / (64/140) x 6/5 x 5/4 = ~6.5 – not bad, but this is a good girl with medium social and drinking numbers.

Fun girl – X=3, H=64, W=140, S=8, D=6
3 / (64/140) x 7/5 x 7/4 = ~13.6 – ahh, now we have a number that is high, but very feasible.

How about Ms. Churchy O'Prissy (tall, skinny, stays in and has a glass of wine on special occasions) - X=1, H=68, W=120, S=3, D=2
1 / (68/120) x 3/5 x 2/4 = ~0.5 – raise one social/drinking number and you're at 1 partner.

Everyone's favorite girl, Thirsty McSlutty (I don't need to…) - X=4, H=62, W=150, S=8, D=9
4 / (62/150) x 8/5 x 9/4 = ~35 – don't start doubting the formula, remember that she's a drunk whore.

I guess you could adjust the social/drinking ratios as needed, but I think they work. This assumes the average girl is a 5 socially and 4 for drinking. Anything above that will raise your tendency to get laid, and vice versa. Any girl that is a 5 or a 6 for drinking, you know she drank like an 8 or 9 for at least one night and did the deed.

I also thought of incorporating her friends into the multiplier. How good are they at getting her home when she's drunk and dead set on hooking up? But, the damn thing was complicated enough.

Sorry for the length, but my friends and I found this too good to resist looking into. I think it's a good start. Throw some examples in there. I've tried on two of my friends and both were pretty accurate (although we had to use 2.5 as a multiplier on one).

I'm speechless. Totally fucking speechless. I've spent all day with my a pen, pad, and calculator working this out for every ex-girlfriend whose number of lovers I knew and it's fool-proof. Every time it's come out right or very close to right. I sent this around to my friends and they did the same thing. We were all astounded at its accuracy. The responses I got from my buddies ranged from "Holy shit!" to "This is brilliant!"

I don't even know what else there is to say, aside from try it out yourselves and you'll be surprised. Those that wrote in offering me ideas mentioned that one factor I left out was a woman's morality or self-esteem. Andy took that into consideration as his "sexual multiplier" and made it work mathematically. I especially like that he considered taking into account the girl's friends, which, as any guy can tell you, can play a major event in the course of the evening, but really, this formula is more than enough as is.

Andy, if you don't patent this immediately, you are a moron. I'm on the phone with my attorney right now trying to claim it as my own, so you'd better get on it.

And to clarify, the purpose of yesterday's post (and today's post) was not to come down on (no pun intended), judge, or hate on any women who read this site (all six of you) who may or may not be a whore or a virgin or fat or skinny or attractive or ugly or whatever. For those of you who took offense, Christ - get over it. If you care what I think (someone's whose failures in life, love, career, and crotch are documented daily with plenty of curse words), then something is seriously wrong with you. And this is closest I've come to offering an apology in about eight years, so enjoy it.

And now I promise that I'll now move away from the sexual topics (for at least three days).

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