Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
 
email of the week "sex and sexual history: a primer and flawed formula"
As promised, below is last week's "Email of the Week". I know, I know - you thought I was totally bluffing when I said I'd get to it next week, or you thought I would forget. Well, I didn't. So I hope you feel good about yourself for doubting me.

Nate from Boston writes:

You seem to hit a lot of my own sentiments on the nose through your poignant tales of life's little ups and downs. Take for example:

- I graduated 2001

- College was the last time of any action for myself as well

- I love drugs and alcohol (particularly booze)

- I have developed the following conditions from rampant alcoholism: hiatal hernia, acid reflux disease, esophogeal scarring, incessant hemorrhoids, cystic acne, and generally a poor liver that is incapable of keeping me healthy

- I cannot bring myself to work out for the exact reasons you have given

- I am a certified pro at cramming and procrastinating, a true sign of a genius, realizing that life is just far too short to waste on working on anything

- Tostitos is are really fucking up there in my book, especially with that delicious con queso dip

- Chicks don't get me

Keep up your fantastic work. I think you should have a post about how young business savvy women in their 20s who are hot and know it are all a bunch of worthless cunts. The best part about this is that they don't realize that everybody knows that after 19 or 20, it is straight downhill for women, and we all know that if you are a 25 year old woman, there is no way you haven't been up and down the river with the whole bar anyway. You are used up. And if a girl tells you she's slept with 3 guys, there is a mathematical formula (that you and I should devise) based on age and weight that compounds the actual amount of men she has been with. Seriously, this is a good theory.
First, I have to clear something up. College was not the last time I got any "action". I graduated college in May of 2001, and since then I have known some ladies. Just not for a long time right now. So there.

Secondly, though it is most likely that I will indeed never have sex again, I have not yet resigned myself to this fact. I still try, and I still fail, but the odds have to break in my favor at some point. They just have to. Therefore, I do not think it best if I were to write something about young business savvy women in their 20's being "cunts", as these are precisely the women I'm trying to sleep with. Thanks to Google, I am entirely unemployable and mostly undateable. I'd like to keep my undateableness at "mostly", rather than "completely".

Third, what interests me most in this email is the last part: the mathematical formula that could potentially be devised to determine, based on age and weight, how many guys a woman has slept with.

I can not express how much thought I put into crafting this mathematical formula. I sat in my room with a notebook, a bunch of pens, and a fat bowl, and couldn't come up with anything (I did make an awesome pizza with deli-sliced ham though). I polled my friends about it, and they tried and failed as well. I even considered contacting the only math major I knew in college, even though I haven't spoken to her in years because she is convinced that I gave her herpes (which I did not, thank you very much, and I have proof).

The only things my friends and I could agree on are follows:

- As a woman's weight increases, so does the number of men she has slept with, as we all know fat chicks are easier to bang than fit chicks (cue fat chicks reading this right now shrugging and saying, "Well, he does have a point there"). Therefore, generally speaking, the fatter the chick, the more men she's slept with. For the most part.

- However, this is imperfect, because weight is relative to height. For example, a girl who is 140 pounds and 5'10" is built much differently than a chick who's a 140 pounds and 5'1". Therefore, instead of weight, a weight/height ratio should be used in this formula. Site Guy Brendan wrote, "You should use Body Mass Index as the mathematical way to determine if the chick is fat or not...it's obviously not the best way to gauge fat chick versus non-fat chick, but like the SAT it's the best we've got". I think this puts us on the right track, but according to the BMI calculator, I am, not surprisingly, obese. So fuck the BMI calculator.

- Another factor that must be taken into consideration is how attractive the woman is in relation to how social she is/how much she drinks. Uglier chicks are easier to bang than hot chicks. Men know this and so successfully seduce them more often. Therefore, on average, ugly chicks have slept with more guys than hot chicks.

HOWEVER, this is only the case if the ugly chick is social/drinks. For every beat girl you see out on a Saturday night, cosmo in hand, slurring her words, carrying on like she'll put a stick of dynamite in her mouth if you put it in front of her because she wants some D so badly, there are ten ugly girls sitting at home watching "Wheel of Fortune" with their great aunt.

- Bonus points should be added for any woman that is a certified drunk. Obviously, these women are much looser than women who drink socially or do not drink at all (cue drunk chicks reading this right now shrugging and saying, "Yeah, that's true - I'm drunk 90% of the time I get the D").

- Bonus points for any girl I've dated, since I've dated TREEEE-MENDOUS whores. I mean, really, really loose women (aside from those who I have slept with in the past and am still trying to sleep with now - you girls are nice).

- Mathematically speaking, the average 25 year-old non-slut woman should have slept with around eleven men. This presupposes that a woman became sexually active at 18, and thus has experienced seven years of sexual activity. It is assumed that at least two of these years were spent in a monogamous relationship, so that leaves five years to sleep with around ten men, or two per year.

Though mathematically this sounds correct, all ten of my male friends said that eleven men is WAY too many men for a 25 year-old woman to have slept with, and seven of the ten said they would not date a woman who's slept with eleven guys. One guy said, "Well, it's totally ok if I've slept with that many people, but it's not ok for her. And if that's a double standard, then so be it. I'd shake her hand, wish her luck, and tell her that in the future she should probably lie about that number."

Additionally, I did an informal poll of my female friends about how many men the average 25 year-old woman has slept with, and the highest answer I got was nine, while most were around six. One girl who said nine mentioned that women are concerned about reaching ten because they don't want to get into double digits. One girl said that any sexual activity undertaken while drunk should be counted as half (if that were the case, I'd be in serious trouble).

And now after all this research I have a headache. Great.

****************************

And this is where we run into a road block. My friends and I all agree on the above tenets, but we can't combine them in any sort of productive and effective way to make a formula. We know that the four main factors are weight/height, age, sociability, and drunkenness, but we can't figure out what to do with them, dammit.

However, this email question was fruitful in another way in that it led to a great debate among my friends and I about women, sex, and the past. Most women should already know this, but most guys are VERY sensitive about their women's former lovers. Some guys are more concerned about WHO their woman has slept with, whereas other guys are concerned about HOW MANY men their lady has slept with. Those men who are not sensitive about the sexual history of their woman are either rich, powerful, dumb, or just happy to be getting laid (oh, and very secure).

I, personally, am much more sensitive to the latter, though they are exceptions. For example, if my lady has slept with an NBA player, a rock star, someone I hate, or one of my ten or so closest friends, then it just ain't gonna work, mostly because I'm totally insecure sexually. But if I ever feel a pang of jealousy, I always think to myself, "Dude, no matter what she's done in the past, you've done a lot worse. Remember Spring Break, 2000? Does Madrid, champagne room, three 'strippers' and 70,000 pesatas ring a bell?"

But as far as numbers are concerned, well, they can be an issue. To be honest, I really don't ever want to know how many men my woman has slept with. Chris Rock has a great bit about this, saying that no matter what answer she gives, it's going to be the wrong one: "She could say 'two' and you'd be like, 'Two?!? Two?!? No, no, no - two?!? I guess that's how you was raised.'"

Therefore, I'm all about "don't ask, don't tell", which invariably breaks down around the fourth time you've slept with a girl, when it's 4am and you've just gotten back from the bar and after getting it on, she says, "So..." and you know what's coming next.

No matter what, I always say that I've slept with six women. Always (www.jasonmulgrew.com trivia fact - this is the reason why I do "six songs" instead of five or seven). I have been saying six since about mid-2002. Six is the perfect number (the girl asking being the sixth) because:

1) It's not too few. Unlike guys, no girl wants to hear that she's the second or third woman that her new man has slept with. They like their man with a little experience, and it's kinda creepy if she thinks she's forever being compared to the two other women you made love to in your twenty-something years on earth. It's ok to get around a little bit.

2) It's not too many. Six is also great because it shows that you do have some experience, although not so much that would frighten her so much so that during lovemaking she's terrified you're going to ask to have sex with her feet. Six is enough for her not to think she's just another notch on the bed post, even though in most cases she probably is.

3) It's average. Odds are that she's slept with between three and nine people. Why not shoot for right in the middle?

4) She's the first on the second hand. Believe it or not, there is some degree of sentimentality here. If she can't be the first, how 'bout the first on the second hand? Am I right? Huh? Who's with me?

Further, this is how the six should be broken down: two/three serious girlfriends; two/three girls you were casually hooking up with; one one-night stand. You can adjust the first two numbers however you want, but you must ALWAYS include a one-night stand. This is extremely important, because every woman secretly believes that deep down every guy wants a one-night stand. And they are absolutely right. But if you say you've already had one and it left you "unfulfilled" then you can put your lady-friend at ease on this issue.

As for the ladies, unlike my male compadres, I believe I could date a girl who's slept with eleven people. It's close, but I can handle it - as long as I never have over five beers, which would invariably lead to me accusing the woman of having sex with guys at rest stops and in all-night diner bathrooms.

When we get into the fifteen-person range, you'd better be super fucking awesome. Like so super fucking awesome that when it's my birthday, you and that hot girl from your pottery class surprise me with a pizza and an intense make-out session.

When we're in the twenty person range, you'd better be: Elisha Cuthbert, Josie Maran, Adriana Lima, Kate Beckinsale, Scarlett Johanssen.

When we're in the twenty-plus range, it just ain't going to work out. I'm not judging, because you know what I always say - "when you're judgin', you're not lovin'" - but I'm not gonna be able to do it. And yes, I know I'm terribly insecure, but if you saw what I had to work with on a day-to-day basis, you would be too.

****************************

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, and I've just realized that I've tackled fairly graphic sexual topics in two consecutive days in over 4,000 words (the equivalent of writing a sixteen-page paper). I don't exactly know why this is, and I apologize for being so randy, but something about the spring just gets me going - if you know what I mean (wink wink).

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a cold shower.

God I hate myself.



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