Everything is wrong with me
Friday, April 01, 2005
april fool's, spring, the plug, Almond, Lamontagne, EOTW (eh), fantasy beisbol, music, link
Today is April Fool's Day, also known as "the day that I should get into but I really don't because it requires too much work". I mean, does anyone really get fooled on April Fool's Day? Am I missing something here? It's a whole day dedicated to pulling pranks on people, and yet people still don't know they're being fooled when out of nowhere on April 1st they get a call from "the bank" telling them that because of an error they're about to receive $150,000? How dumb can you be? (Don't answer that)

I don't get into April Fool's Day because it's too much work to try to think of something clever that will most likely not fool anyone anyway. So instead, like every April Fool's Day, I will half-ass it. Instead of devising a well-thought out prank, I'll just think of something stupid and stick with it with the stubbornness of a retard. For example, I've already emailed my roommates today and told them that I've talked to my doctor and surprise surprise - I have AIDS. The subject of the email was even "AIDS". Of course they don't believe me, but all day I will carry on about how I have AIDS, about how we shouldn't share the same shower anymore, about what lifestyle changes I'll make now that I have AIDS, etc. I'll say things like, "I'm not mad at God. He didn't do this to me. I did it to myself." I'll act all depressed and tell them how much they mean to me. Meanwhile, they will completely ignore me and tell me I'm an idiot. Then, at about 9pm, I'll scream, "APRIL FOOL'S!" and talk about how I "totally got" them. The whole situation will be stupid and uncomfortable.

So happy fucking April Fool's Day.


April 1 also means another thing (to me): the start of spring. Despite the current 46 degree/foggy weather, I'm celebrating my start of spring by wearing a striped shirt that has about nine different colors and makes me look like a fat rainbow with a drinking problem.

On the topic of spring dress, a word to the ladies: please wear skirts. Leave the long pants at home and put on a nice skirt. Also, be sure to show off a little more cleavage as the weather warms up. Guys love women in skirts, and when ladies start wearing them in spring its like an annual event: the return of legs and cleavage. Amazing. Just amazing.


I’m not gonna make a joke about the whole Terri Schiavo thing, because it’s very sad. I mean, this poor woman was at one time very, very hot, so I don’t think people should be making fun of her unfortunate demise.

But I will say this, on the record: if I ever fall into a “persistent vegetative state”, pull the plug on me. And don’t just pull it – do it with panache. Pretend it’s New Year’s Eve, have a big ass party, get everyone drunk, count down to 0, and yank it the fuck out. Then have everyone keep on drinking around me until they pass out. Also put my bird in my hand, draw a bunch of shit on me (i.e. a swastika, “I suck dick for coke”, etc.), and then take pictures to hang on the fridge. That’s how I want to go out, mother fucker.

You know what? I don’t even need to be a “persistent vegetative state” to have my plug pulled. You can pull it if I ever have a bad ankle sprain or if I need to get a filling or if I ever get the runs really bad. Fuck it. Because really, I don’t have much else going on, and I guess it could be kinda cool.

[Editor’s Note: The above was intended solely as a joke, and in should no way be viewed as a cry for help. We here at www.jasonmulgrew.com take depression very seriously, especially if we can somehow parlay it into a pity fuck. Neither Jason Mulgrew, Site Guy Brendan, or any other member of the www.jasonmulgrew.com family is depressed, except for Jason Mulgrew. That fucker is a mess. All he does is cry and listen to Shania Twain’s “Still The One”. Crazy bastard. Anyway, thank you.]


Following up on something mentioned last week: I finished reading Steve Almond’s collection of short stories, “The Evil BB Chow and Other Stories.” Verdict? Deeeee-lightful. And I’m not saying this because I have to. Sure, Steve Almond was my writing teacher at BC, but I would like to point out that though I still hold in the highest esteem as a person and writer, I don't need to do any favors for him, as he (rightly so) refused to write me a recommendation when I was still pursuing grad school. We have been in a bitter blood feud since.

But the book is a good read. I like the short story format as a whole; as someone who suffers from a short attention span, short stories are great because they grab you, they shake you, then they let you go. This is especially the case with Almond's stuff. The whole book is grab-shake-release, one after the other. I'm not the fastest reader in the world, but it was so enjoyable that I read the whole thing in a day. My mommy would be so proud!

And what's more, Almond's reading here - in NYC! Be sure to catch him next Wednesday, April 6, as part of the Happy Ending Reading Series , held at the Happy Ending Bar at Broome & Forsyth in the Lower East Side. Doors open at 7:30 and the reading starts at 8pm.

(To see if Almond's reading near your 'hood, see here)

(Man, I'm a great pitch man)


Speaking of pitches, Ray Lamontagne is on tour. I've been pimping him forever and he's excellent. I'm seeing him Saturday night at Webster Hall, and though that night is sold out there are tickets available for his Sunday night show. For a full list of tour dates and to listen to his stuff, check out his website.

I can't believe I didn't make a single joke here. I must be dying.


I have a great "Email of the Week" to discuss, but I'm going to have to address it either later today or early next week. It's so good that I don't want to put it up here unless I'm 100% satisfied with my response to it. And right now, though I've been working on it all day, I'm not. My original plan was to do this post yesterday and the EOTW post today, but yesterday's busyness ruined everything. But it's a good one.

(Sorry to leave you in suspense, but at heart I know you really don't give a fuck, so whatever.)


For those of you who are interested, my main fantasy team (with the round I got the player in parenthesis):

C: LoDuca (16)
1B: Morneau (9)
2B: B. Roberts (12)
SS: Garciaparra (3)
3B: Mora (5)
OF: Ramirez (1)
OF: Damon (7)
OF: Anderson (10)
Util: D. Roberts (13)
Util: Bagwell (17)
Bench: C. Wilson (19)
Bench: J. Gonzalez (21)
Bench: Ibanez (23)

SP: Schilling (2)
SP: Clemens (4)
RP: Wagner (6)
RP: Takatsu (11)
P: Burnett (8)
P: Bonderman (14)
P: Hawkins (15)
P: Wells (18)
Bench: C. Lee (20)
Bench: Moyer (22)

Not bad. My pitching is a little old, and I would have liked to get a better third closer than Hawkins, but I'll find one somewhere. The offense, in my humble opinion, is pretty stacked. In my league, we use total bases and on-base percentage as opposed to home runs and average, so a guy like Bagwell in the 17th round was pretty good (there are 11 teams in the league).

So wish me luck. First place gets a couple hundred bucks, and I could really use that cash. I have given my computer a nasty virus because I've downloaded so much questionable porn, and I feel like it's gonna completely collapse soon. Hopefully right when I win my baseball league.


Six Songs:

- "Goonies 'R Good Enough" Cindi Lauper
I hadn't heard this song in years, and when I downloaded it a week or so ago it was like being zapped back to 1985. "Goonies", Cabbage Patch Dolls, Garbage Pail Kids, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, having no pubes - it all came rushing back to me. On a side note, my roommate Brian works for a celebrity news show (like "Access Hollywood"). He goes to a lot of celebrity events and promotional concerts, and one time he went to one where Cindi Lauper performed. He came home and said, "Dude, honestly, it was incredible. I have never heard anyone sing like that. She's got a real set of pipes." I said, "Dude, honestly, you're gay." It was a special moment.

- "Seen It All Before" Amos Lee
I saw this guy on Letterman last week and he is a pretty damn soulful white man. This is a great song to make love to, if, you know, you make love. He's got a lot of other good stuff too, but I would stay away from his "fast" songs, which are bad to the point of being embarrassing. He really nails the slow stuff though.

- "Invisible" Alison Moyet
I saw this video on VH1 Classic at about 3am either Friday or Saturday night and this woman is fat and manly with very thick eyebrows. Naturally, I am a huge fan of her and the song. Very cheesy mid-80's heartbreak pop-rock. Perfect.

- "Only You" Yazoo
Speaking of mid-80's, here's one from the good old days. A touching love song sung by an androgynous weirdo. Ah, love.

- "A Lack Of Color" Death Cab For Cutie
I don't like this band, and I don't like that other horrible band that everyone likes that this guy is in whose name escapes me right now, but I like this song. It's purty and sad.

[Postal Service. That's the name of the band I don't like.]

- "Doin' That Rag" Grateful Dead
When I was in my early teens, I was a huge Deadhead. I saw the Dead on their second to last tour (in the parking lot, I saw a boob in person for the first time - it was the beginning of a long love affair). I had a ticket to the Philly show of their last tour, but I had a formal to go to, and so missed it. When Jerry died, I put cassette tape after cassette tape into my stereo, recording the local station's tribute, and then went to a park near City Hall where a bunch of stoners lit candles, got high, and sang Dead songs. There was a time when I was about 13 that I could name all 28 Grateful Dead albums that had been released to that point. Funny - at 13 I could name 28 Dead albums and now I can't remember the names of half my cousins. The lesson: stay away from drugs.

Anyway, my point is that I like the Dead and know a good bit about them. And this song is, to me, the quintessential Dead song. Sure, it's not a trippy jam and maybe it doesn't have any harmonies, but it's represents that unique sound the Dead had in a way that their other stuff doesn't capture. Highly recommended.


Don’t forget, if you’d like your blog linked to my blog, read this and email me at jason@jasonmulgrew.com with “Link” in the subject line.

And have a good weekend. I will be thinking of you. A lot.

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