Everything is wrong with me
Friday, March 18, 2005
your emails, part two of two: sexy sexy sexy
I recently got an email from a guy named Tyler who lives in DC. Since I received this email, everything in my life is different. I don't eat the same way, I walk differently, and every girl I see I want to either sleep with right then and there or take to a convent. All because of this email.

However, as I present his email and the correspondence around it, I ask you to bear with me. It’s going to be hard to format this, because it’s a series of emails between Tyler and some ladies and Tyler and me, so it's kinda hard to lay out. But stick with it, and I think you'll enjoy it. I know I have, and Tyler is, for all intents and purposes, my new hero.

About a week ago, Ty sent me this email:

An idea for a future post might be something on bachelor parties...Jason's Guide to the perfect one...a follow-up to your best selling dieting guide, of course.

As now is the time that friends are getting plucked off one by one, I'm sure there are a lot of us out that could use some help.

My friends and I are throwing a surprise one this weekend, and kicking around the strippers vs. strip club idea. To put some feelers out, I decided to post a craigslist ad...and I was shocked at the response. Some of this stuff is great…(see transcript attached.) not as many pics as I would have liked, but what can you do. There is a full nude in there, granted she does look like an 18 year old runaway. But beggars can't be choosers....

Feel free to use any of it on your site...well, maybe don't publish the photos, until I can verify that these girls aren't computer literate and can track my ass down.

It's a hell of an idea. Bachelor parties are quickly becoming an important part of the post-collegiate guy's life. I'm going to be the best man at my buddy Steve's wedding in May of 2006, so I'll have to plan one myself within the next few months. I think I could have taken Ty's idea and really ran with it and produced a top notch post.

But then I saw that "transcript".


The transcript is a seven page word document that contains responses to Ty's ad and some pictures. I don’t think I need any jokes here, because everything pretty much speaks for itself (seriously). First, we'll start with Tyler’s craigslist ad [for those of you who don't know, craigslist is an on-line community, kinda like the classified section of your local paper, where you can find anything and everything]:

Looking for 1-2 fun girls to help entertain a small bachelor party of professional men (age 25-29.) This is kind of a last minute thing being thrown together for this coming Saturday night. Will probably involve a bar crawl, and some partying in a limo.

Please send description and photos if you are interested. Thanks!
Tyler was opting to go for the strippers idea as opposed to he and his buddies going to a strip club. This makes sense: while strip clubs are easier, safer, and guaranteed, a real fucking rock star party would never be held at a strip club - they'd get women to party in the limo with them. Kick ass.

The first series of correspondence is from a girl named Vicki. Her first email to Tyler went:


I dont know if youre looking only for a professional, but I would be interested in this. It might be a little kinky, but I like the idea of entertaining a group of guys.

I am 24 years old and 5'5' 103 lbs with blonde hair, and a 34a-22-34 figure. My photo is attached. I have a friend who might be able to come too, and we stripped and did a bi$exual show together for my ex-boyfriend.

I dont know what price to charge but from what I see here on CL I think $200 might be fair. The agenda is up to you...Im a great dancer, or willing to jump from a cake, or frosted and licked clean, or whatever. Im your s*xy slut for the night.

Silly Vicki messed up attaching her photo, so she quickly fired off another email:


Sorry, I think I might have messed up the attachment. Hopefully it works this time. I sent you two. Hope you like them!

I'm down with whatever you want to do. I've never done this before either, but I'm happy to go along with your plan. I can just get naked and chill out, or I've seen lap dances and I'd like to see how far I can turn on a group of guys. I also have no problem with any touching you want to do, if that's your preference. It's all a big turn-on for me to be a performer for you.

Do you mind if I ask to see a photo of you, or some of the guys who will be there. Since I'm not a pro, I'm kinda doing this for fun and I'd like to do it with guys I find hot. If you're not comfortable with that, there is also a turn-on in stripping for total strangers.

Oh Vicki - such an understanding young woman. Though she asks for some pictures, she is sensitive to the situation and admits that it'd also be a turn-on to strip for strangers. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit A as to why I don't want to have any daughters. None. No thank you.

Tyler, gentleman that he is, wrote back:

Hey. Thanks for the pics, you are very attractive.

Understandable that you'd want to see pics of us. I'll send you a link to my Friendster profile. There is a pic under my profile of the 5 main guys who are throwing this thing, including the groom.

I should take this time to interject to say that Tyler was being, ahem, generous when he called Vicki attractive. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t really like that “I’m built like a 14 year-old boy and my mother drank heavily while I was in the womb” look.

At any rate, Vicki's reply:


I'm glad you think I'm attractive. Let me know if you're leaning toward using me, and when you're planning. Also tell me the ideas you have for using me.

If the price is a problem, I can be flexible. I'm sure there is alot of competition, and they probably have bigger boobs! :-) But remember, I'm willing to work it much harder! To tell you the truth, the whole idea of this is getting me pretty turned on, and if it's not going to work out with you guys, I think I'm going to try to find another party.



P.S.-- Which one is you, and which is the groom?
Now dearest Vicki is really going all out for the job, saying she's "pretty turned on" and "willing to work it much harder" (no word on what "it", that which she is willing to work, is, but I'm guessing it has something to do with her heiney). Tyler wrote back a short innocuous email, and Vicki replied:


Saturday night would be great for me. Did you want me to see if my friend could come too? We really did a great lesbian show last year for my ex-boyfriend, and I still have the double-headed dildo we used. She's kind of my opposite, with dark hair and large breasts. She's married now, so I don't think she'd be willing to fool around with you guys, but once she leaves I'm game.

Shoud we plan to meet this week? Thursday night would be best for me. We can meet for a drink downtown. Or maybe someplace more private, where I can give you a preview of the lap dances I'll do Saturday.

WHOA! Hello! Now we're getting somewhere! Vicki's offering to get her friend involved, and even though the friend is married, Vicki is not and she's looking to party! And she's giving out free samples! Holy shitballs!

Ladies and gentlemen, Contestant #1: Vicki.


Now we'll move on to Contestant #2: "L". L writes:

I am interested in your ad.

I'm a 24-year-old professional, and most people wouldn't believe I would answer an online ad. I just got out of a semi-abusive relationship in which my boyfriend continually accused me of being a cheating whore. I never cheated on him, but now that I'm free, I want to celebrate.

About me: I'm 24, 5'5", 120, mixed race, ht/wt prop, but not totally firm all over.

I'm interested in what you think the evening would entail.

Per your req, pic attached.

Ouch - save the intensely personal stuff about the abusive relationship for the therapist, not the guy who's looking to pay you to rub your naked body over him and six of his friends. Geez.

Again, Tyler, the Gentlemen, writes:

Hey, thanks for responding. Sorry to hear about your bad relationship. And thanks for the pic.
Smooth transition - "sucks about the abusive boyfriend, thank you for the picture of you which I will use to decide if you can rub your parts on my parts."

Right now, we're doing research on what's available, how much people charge, and we're trying to come up realistically with what we want to have happen.
I love the vagueness here: "what's available" and "what we want to have happen". Roughly translated, this means "We're trying to find the hottest girl that will have sex with us and/or let us stick things in her." But then Tyler gets more specific:

Basically, we'll probably start the night with a bar crawl in Adams Morgan. We're thinking of incorporating riding around in a limo. Basically we're just looking for fun flirty girl or girls to join the crew.

I'll let you know when I have more details.
Standard issue email really. What was not standard was L's reply:

Well, I will be blunt. I am not interested in just riding in a limo and flirting. I can flirt at any bar at anytime, and you guys can flirt with a million girls at any bar at anytime. I look at this as an opportunity to clear the ex out of my system, if that makes sense. So, if/when you decide how far you want this to go, just let me know, because I am game.

I'm not very good at reading women, but I think L may be hinting at something here, and if my intuition's right, it's love-making. With several guys. Possibly at once. Wow.

And if I ever get a girlfriend again, I'm never breaking up with her. Goodness gracious.

Contestant #2: Lauren.


Our last contestant, Sandra, first emailed Tyler with many questions:

how many men are there? when is the party? where is it located,what area and in a hotel or house? is it hands off for the husband or will he be f*cking me and what not? if so,will all men there want to f*ck? you didn't mention any of this in your ad,please answer.
You have to give Sandra points for being to the point and not mincing words. Also, I'm happy that she doesn't have a potty mouth, something you look for in a woman who's going to rub her cooch on you and your friends.

This was the last entry in the attachment Tyler sent me. I wrote him back a few days later to tell him that a) this is comedy gold and b) I was planning on writing about it in a post. I also inquired as to whether he heard anything more from the ladies that replied to his ad. He wrote:

I know it [is comedy gold].

But, just when you think your having a fun time, you go and get a response like this....

"im 20,not old enough to be in a bar,also i am pregnant,which is why i have no issue doing all the guys because i wouldnt possibly get pregnant if i already am. hope that isnt at all weird,i figured it would be a nice thing to experience for the guys there and for the groom. im 8 months so boucning around in a limo doesnt sound too good,but i would be willing to come to a home or hotel setting. no bars though. and you cant really have sex too well in a bouncing limo right? im 5'4",138 lbs,black/white biracial mix,and the pics will tell the rest. these pics i will send are about a week old,so thats how i look now. please get back to me with any more questions,and a price quote. i wll be back online in about 30 minutes. my name is Sandra."

And while I wouldn't put it past someone like you or me to respond with this ad just to f with someone, she included pics. A lot of them. Let's just say, of the 7 pics she sent, only one was a face shot, there wasn't a single piece of clothing, and she was most definitely 8 months pregnant.

I wrote her back saying something to the effect of "Sorry, we were really looking for a chick who could go to bars and booze with us." It was either that or "Sorry, your water breaking isn't my idea for a suitable lubricant."

And the saddest part, her email is something like Tim_and_Sandy@yahoo.com, so you know her man is all about it.

I need to go to church or something.
Tyler, I think we all need to go to church or something. I don't know if Sandra's email makes me want to laugh, cry, or both. All I know is that I've never thought about having sex with a pregnant woman before, and now I really, really want to try it.

Contestant #3: Sandra the Pregger.


And so it is with relative ease that I announce the winner: Contestant #3, Sandra the Pregger. No, I don't mean that Tyler and his friends hired her for the evening, but I mean that I would. Could you imagine the look on a your buddy's (the groom) face when you get a girl who's 8 months pregnant to show up at his bachelor party and fuck everyone? Could there be any better practical joke? Would that immediately go over as the worst bachelor party of all time?

My only hope is that Sandra is stays pregnant or gets pregnant again sometime later this year so that I can hire her to come to the bachelor party I'm planning.

Me: "Steve, I know you love Kristie to death, but tonight we're gonna have fun. And so I present to you - Sandra!"
[Super pregnant lady walks out]
Me: "Hot, right?"
Steve: [shocked, depanned] "Get the fuck out of my life."
Me: [shrugging] "More mama love for me, asshole!"


Before we wrap up, I should point out that bachelor parties are NOT about banging skanky girls. Sure, my bachelor will be all about this times three, but for the most part, bachelor parties are just about guys getting drunk and going to a strip club. Tyler and his buddies wound up not hiring any of the girls and doing just that. So there.

Now that that's out of the way, what have we learned here?

1) Craigslist is the greatest invention ever, and I promise to spend much more time on there.
2) All of your emails should be a lot more like Tyler's.
3) Pregnant women need love too.
4) I don't want to have any daughters.
5) You should never break up with your girlfriend, lest she answer an online ad and try to fuck seven guys at once.
6) I have pooped at work four times today.

That is all.

Have a good weekend. I will be in Boston and am taking off Monday, so there will not be a post until Tuesday. Until then, Godspeed.

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