Everything is wrong with me
Friday, March 04, 2005
random crap
I'm very busy today (what kind of world do we live in when Friday is always my busiest day?), but here's some reading material for y'all:

1) I recently asked the Lord to make it so that in my next life I get to sleep with my hot teacher when I'm in junior high. However, this is not what I had in mind.

Sure, we can all look at her and judge and say, "Damn, that bitch is nasty". But unless you've lived through it, you can not understand nor appreciate the libido of a guy in junior high, a time I consider my sexual peak - by far. I say now that I'll fuck anything that moves by itself, but I think I actually did have sex with several non-moving or just plain weird things in junior high, including but not limited to a pile of spaghetti, a piece of rug, two cars, a dog toy, a dog, a can of creamed corn (warmed up), a microwaved chicken breast, a telephone, a candle, and an almond. So getting a beejer from this lady in junior high wouldn't be so bad.

[And in order to tie up any loopholes with my request, I would like to draw the Lord's attention to the clause that expressly asks for a "female hot, blond 20-something teacher". Thank you.]

2) This just in: wild animals are dangerous. I know that the chimps were in a cage, but that part of the story doesn't matter. You know what part of the story matters? This one:

St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian.

If you're keeping score at home, the chimps tore or bit off his nose, balls, and foot. Ok, um, ouch. Are we talking here about "chimps" or "werewolves"? Because I thought chimps were friendly and generally stayed away from testicle-ripping. Guess not.

Lesson: stay the fuck away from anything capable of hurting you unless you have a gun. I mean, duh.

3) I got a few emails today from both friends and readers saying that their workplace has blocked my site. I really don't know what to tell you, but if you were going in through the intro, try entering on the index page instead (at www.jasonmulgrew.com/index2.php). Because I'm not gonna stop cursing and change my steez just so you can read this shit at work. Slackers.

Wait a minute - you can't read this, so who the fuck am I talking to?

[Have a good weekend]

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