Everything is wrong with me
Friday, March 11, 2005
a numbered rant
Five things about last night:

1) The two block radius of 53rd and 2nd in Manhattan is home to the worst bars in the city, possibly in all the world (sorry, but this is going to be a little provincial). There's Sutton Place, Opal, Turtle Bay, Metro 53, Nessa, and Local. That is just a murderers row of terrible bars. If I had a top ten list of worst bars in the city, there's six of the ten right there, and they might be the six worst. I'm not exaggerating.

First, I think 53rd and 2nd might be a stop on the Long Island Railroad, as tons of Long Islanders pour into this area to show off their finest hair products and start fistfights. I don't know - is this a thing about guys in Long Island? "Yo guys, I have an idea: why don't we get all dolled up in our finest jewelry, go into the city, be really loud, and then try to pick fights with everyone in the bar? STRONG ISLAND BABY! [starts dancing to 50 Cent's "In Da Club"] YEAH!"

Second, these people mix with your standard Upper East Side crowd: 24 year-olds trying to relive their college years. There's nothing wrong with this, except when the same people trying to relive their college years at these bars are the same people I hated in college: nerds who have three drinks and think they're one of the party boys from the cast of "That 70's Show". Some dude at the table next to us, dressed in his work clothes, decided after a few beers to get up on the table and dance, resulting in a near-fatal and incredibly awkward fall that sent bottles and glasses flying everywhere. Hilarious, but also annoying.

Add asshole bouncers (see below), slow bartenders, and over-priced drinks and you're set for a fun night on the town! "53rd Street and 2nd Avenue: Where Assholes Come To Party".

[You're probably thinking, "Well, why the hell were you there?" I was there to meet my friend Mary and her friends for drinks, who, though all from Long Island, are very cool. So there. And mind your own fucking business.]

2) Bouncers on the whole are very funny people to me. On the one hand, they live at home, spend their time working out and looking in the mirror, and they check ids for a living. On the other, at night they are god.

Don't get me wrong - some bouncers are nice guys, just trying to keep the peace. But this is a rarity. Most are douchebags looking to exploit their limited authority in one of the least important spheres of life to either piss off guys "because [they] can" or curry favors from underage skanks.

And no, I'm not just saying this because my friend Jeremy couldn't get into the bar last night because he was wearing sneakers and we had words.

Asshole fucking bouncers.

3) I saw a first last night. My roommate Ben, who was out with some of his co-workers celebrating a girl's birthday, later met me and my other roommate Brian at the bar and brought some of his co-workers with him. When we left the bar, the birthday girl, who was a tipsy but not "let's get her to the hospital" bad, was offered a cup of coffee by the bouncer.

I have dragged friends out of bars by their hair, one time slung an ex over my shoulder caveman-style to carry her out of a bar, and I personally fallen out of bars on numerous occasions, and never once was I offered any coffee or sobering substance, nor have I seen it offered to anyone else. Until last night.

Asshole fucking bouncers.

4) If you're not watching "The Contender", the boxing reality show featuring Sugar Ray Leonard and Sly Stallone, you really should. My roommates and I tivo'd it and watched it last night and it is some really good television. Admittedly, I'm a guy (in case you couldn't tell) and I love boxing, but it's more than just that: it's about respect, honor, and love, and they show a lot of the fighters and their girlfriends and their kids (I mean really - who needs to get married? Why not just have a bunch of kids with a woman who you live with?).

And Stallone is gold in the show. The whole time my roommates and I were watching, we were saying to each other, "Um, he knows he's an actor, not a boxer, right?" Gold. Comedy gold.

5) I feel a little sick today. I don't know why. It could have been the eight or so beers I had last night, or it could have been the bacon-egg-and-cheese bagel, onion rings, and quart of chocolate milk I had before going to bed at 1am last night.

Is anyone a doctor?

[Have a good weekend]

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