Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
me = wedding crazy, a good email, beisbol predictions, the smell that is gone
There's no chance of me getting any work done today. This evening, I have my main fantasy baseball draft (stick with me - this post isn't about sports - not this part at least). I've been in a league with the same guys for 5 years now, so I'm really looking forward to this. Our league is called "Iron Sheik" , named after Hulk Hogan's archrival, the, um, Iron Sheik. Originally, Iron Sheik was the name for our college intramural softball team, where yours truly batted .800 and was widely considered the greatest singles hitter Boston College intramural softball had ever seen, as well as an above-average third baseman. However, despite my performance, I often hit tenth (yes, tenth) in the lineup, as our manager, my good friend and former star of "Average Joe: Hawaii", Bill Hansen, discriminated against me. Somehow, Bill, who truly is "average" when it comes to softball, batted lead-off and played 2nd base, one of the most coveted positions on the diamond. And yet I batted tenth and was put at 3rd, and almost useless position in softball. Asshole. And no, I'm not still bitter.

When we started a fantasy league, the name "Iron Sheik" seemed like a good choice, since most of the guys on the team were in the league. Thus, Iron Sheik started with a mid-season baseball league in the summer of 2000 (also known as the greatest summer of my life - more on this much later). Since then, roughly the same group of 11 guys have done a league together each season for baseball, football, and basketball. The draft tonight is for Iron Sheik XVI. We've come a long way.

And so I'm doing nothing today, and yet I have to pass the time. How am I passing the time (aside from doing fantasy research)? Why, making a guest list for my wedding of course!

Yes, I know it makes me totally crazy to think of who I'd invite to my wedding when I should focus on having sex first, but please hear me out. Everyone around me is getting engaged or getting married or even (gulp) having a kid. This all completely flabbergasts me...I can't imagine even going on a date again, let alone actually getting married. But last night I met up with a friend for drinks who's sister is getting married, and she told me something interesting: 150 people is a standard-sized wedding, with the bride getting 75 guests and the groom getting 75 guests.

My immediate reaction was "150 guests?" My second reaction was, "God I'm so lonely." Then I thought again about the 75 guests that I would invite to my wedding. It's an interest exercise really, because you essentially get to rate your friends. Kinda like, "Well, I like Ted, and we had a lot of great times in college, but I haven't really spoken to him since. However, he's doing really well so I imagine he'd give a pretty big gift. On the other hand, he roofied my sister and tried to have his way with her. We'll put him as a 'maybe.'"

But 75 guests for me would never cut it. I'm about as Irish-Catholic as they come, and though I only have one brother and one sister, my father is one of ten kids and my mother is one of six. I did some quick math and figured out that if I were to get married today, I'd have to invite 72 family members. Note this applies to immediate family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins only and does not include the wedding party or any of my friends, which I obviously have a lot of.

The good news is that I'm not getting married any time soon, so until then maybe a couple of family members will keel over or disappear or whatever. Also, when I do get married, I imagine that most of my bride's family will not be able to attend the ceremony, as they will be unable to leave Uzbekistan, so she'll only have her half-retarded sister and two of the girls she works at the beauty shop with in attendance.

But the point is that we are getting old. And it sucks - big time. Also I am crazy, but you knew that from the start.


A good email from Alex in St. Louis. Not the Email of the Week, but a good one nonetheless.

I know that you touched on this earlier, but I wanted to give you yet another fantasy that you can masturbate to.

Things that I learned from this article:

1) My childhood sucked.

2) April 27, 2002 was one hot night for a group of teenage boys.

3) Never marry a woman named Jennifer Miller.

Also, she had sex with a group of teenage boys and only got 25 days in the clink? What the eff? Can you imagine how long you would be in jail if you did that to a group of young women? If it was only 25 days of you being ass raped it might actually be worth it.
Well, that's pretty well put. I'm not gonna add anything because if I did I might have to change the title of this blog from "Everything is wrong with me" to "I can't stop fucking talking about teenage boys that have sex with adult women", but yes, if I could have sex with a room full of hot 17 year-old girls (15 is a tad too young), I'd seriously consider going to jail for a month, because:

1) At least I wouldn't have to go to work;
2) I would have some great masturbatory fantasies for the rest of my life (from the sex with the teens AND the jail ass-rapes);
3) I'd get the kind of instant street-cred that only comes with jail time.

(Also, am I really hot in St. Louis or is it just the same group of people emailing me? It seems that at least once a week I get an email from someone from St. Louis, sometimes more. I should probably just move there if I'm so damn popular, because things aren't exactly working for me in NYC.)


Quick and dirty baseball predictions (because if I write any more about sports someone is going to assassinate me):

National League

East: Atlanta Braves
Central: St. Louis Cardinals
West: San Diego Padres
Wild-Card: Florida Marlins

American League

East: NY Yankees
Central: Minnesota Twins
West: LA (or Anaheim or whatever the hell they're called) Angels
Wild-Card: Boston Red Sox


Florida over St. Louis
San Diego over Atlanta

Florida over San Diego

NY Yankees over LA Angels
Minnesota over Boston

NY Yankees over Minnesota

World Series: NY Yankees over Florida

Individual Awards

MVP: Albert Pujols
Cy Young: Pedro Martinez
Rookie of the Year: Chin Hui-Tsao

MVP: Manny Ramirez
Cy Young: Randy Johnson
Rookie of the Year: Jeremy Reed

"Theeeee...Yankees win!"

God I fucking hate the Yankees. At least my hometown Phils, in an effort to keep up with their division rivals (Braves - Hudson, Marlins - Delgado, Mets - Beltran, Pedro), went out an added John Lieber and Kenny Lofton. Sweet.


By the way, still no word on what stunk up my office yesterday. The good news is that my meeting at 3pm was canceled and the office now no longer smells. I'll probably never know what it was, so I'm just going to blame someone else. That always seems to work.

(And wish me luck in the draft tonight)

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