Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, March 24, 2005
long lost/homeless love, books, my moms, eotw, songs, good friday
On Tuesday I was walking around Union Square when I randomly saw a girl I slept with five years ago. I was just minding my own business, rocking out to my iPod, when I saw this woman and thought, "Hey, that girl looks like Stacy. Hmph." Upon closer inspection, I said to myself, "Holy shit - that is Stacy!" Of course, I didn't approach her, because after our dance of love I stopped speaking to her entirely and haven't spoken to her since. This is probably because I had a girlfriend at the time, but really, it was a long time ago, so I can't definitively make that call. Also she was a terrible lay - it was like fucking a mannequin that had been microwaved in an attempt to replicate normal human body heat (I'm sure she said of me "It was like fucking a rug with a pen cap sticking out of it").

Anyway, when I got home, my encounter (or lack thereof) with the old flame prompted this exchange between my roommate Brian and I:

Me: "Dude, I randomly saw this girl I slept with five years ago on the street."
Brian: [pondering for a few seconds] "You mean, like, she's homeless?"

No, Brian, "on the street" does not mean she's living on the street. Although to be honest, if she was in fact homeless I probably would have approached her, because I'm guessing she would have put out for me again ("Hey Stacey, why don't you come back to my place and get warm? Then I'll make you a turkey sandwich if you let me take pictures of you slow dancing in my bathroom in the nude. Well, you can wear a goalie mask, but otherwise completely nude.")

But the whole thing made me feel old. I saw someone I slept with five years ago? That's kind of a strange thing to happen to someone as young as me. However, I am 25, so I guess I am getting old.

I don't know - I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that I'm getting drunk tonight and nothing can stop me. So let's just move the hell on...


I despise when bloggers have parts of their blog like "What I'm Reading". I'm sorry, but I don't give a fuck what you are reading. What's even worse is when what these bloggers are reading are esoteric, dense academic works, ostensibly saying, "Hey everyone - look how smart I am!"

Now, having gotten that out of the way, of course I'm going to tell you what I'm reading. Hypocrite? Sure. Closet Annie Lennox fan and borderline pedophile? Totally. But do I call it like I see it? Hells yes.

Two books you have to read:

1) LA Diaries by James Brown (no, not the Godfather of Soul).

The publisher's description tells you all you need to know:

Plagued by the suicides of both his siblings, heir to alcohol and drug abuse, divorce, and economic ruin, novelist James Brown lived a life clouded by addiction, broken promises, and despair. Beautifully written and limned with dark humor, these twelve deeply confessional, interconnected chapters address personal failure, heartbreak, the trials of writing for Hollywood, and the life-shattering events that finally convinced Brown he must "change or die."
You know, some light reading.

Hear me now: I read a lot. I'm not bragging, but I don't have much to do and so I spend a lot of time in bed, slowly dying, reading books to pass the time. I'm not saying I read smart books or that I am smart, I just don't really have a lot of friends and I don't like tv, unless it's "Cold Case Files" or "Friends".

And this book actually made me cry - twice. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a pussy, but it really got me. Sure, maybe my former therapist might point out that I see a little of myself in the main character, to which I would reply, "What? I'm sorry, but I wasn't listening", but I don't think that's the case. It's just very powerful stuff and definitely worth a look.

(I moved from this book to a book called Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, the story of a drug-addict who works in a homeless shelter and his difficult relationship with his alcoholic/failed writer father, who is homeless. Jesus Christ. I ask my friends to call me every once in a while to check up on me this weekend because the outlook isn't very rosy.)

2) The Evil BB Chow and Other Stories by Steve Almond

I actually haven't read this book yet - it will be arriving at my apartment at some point today, thanks for Barnes & Noble's same day delivery in Manhattan - but if it's anything like Almond's previous works (My Life in Heavy Metal and Candyfreak), than it should be most excellent. More details to follow after I've checked the book out myself, but go on and buy it.


From the "Everyone Says Their Family Is Weird, But Trust Me - Mine Is Really Weird" Department: my mom called me yesterday at work, ecstatic. See, my mom, like a lot of moms, is obsessed with bargains and saving money. For example, a few weeks ago when I told her that a bottle of shampoo in my local pharmacy costs $8, she nearly fainted. Since then she's been on a mission to buy me all sorts of toiletries and other products in Philly, where it's cheaper, so that I can then bring them up to NYC and not have to spend so much money on them.

And so she called the other day to tell me that she got twelve sticks of deodorant for me for the grand price of nothing. Actually, the store even gave her 24¢. WTF?

I have no idea how this* is possible and I'm sure the only way you can understand this is if you are a mom. I asked her how it came to be that she bought something and the store gave her money, and she tried explaining it but it got confusing quickly and I tuned out completely. At any rate, this purchase (or whatever) was definitely one of the high points of her week.

Oh, moms are so crazy.


I'm thinking about starting a weekly section of this post called "Email of the Week". This is because I get a lot of really good emails from you all, as well as a lot of good feedback when I write a post answering your emails. I like to hear what you think and there is no comments section on this blog (it's my site - if you want to write something on the web, get your own site) so email is the only way that you can get in touch with me and share your thoughts or what you look like without pants.

However, I am a very lazy man and it's hard to me to categorize and keep up with your emails. I feel like I'm going to try to do better at this, but I'm most likely talking out my ass. Odds are very good that this is both the first and last installment of "Email of the Week".

But, if you have a dilemma, a comment, an idea, or even a good story, send it along to me. I should warn you that I probably won't think your story is funny, so focus on the dilemmas, comments, and ideas instead.

Our first "Email of the Week" (I'm already sick of writing it) comes from Joe in Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

i have this idea that for five minutes i wasn't going to tell anyone about because they would steal it and become rich, etc. but fuck it, i thought maybe you could just expand on it a bit.

you know how in typical porn there's the action sequence and then at the end the dude jerks a load on the girl's face? yeah. i figured you were with me. well anyway, what if the guy was like, "i'm gonna bust this in your eye, so you better close them." and so she closes her eyes and the dude holds a fucking air horn up to her face and lets out a blast. i mean seriously. that would be porn i would buy and watch right in front of my roommate (a girl) because it would slip out of the pervey porn category and in to the comedy genre.

even better is that after you've done a few of those tricks, you could get the girl to hold a jar of marbles or an urn or something that she is sure to drop when the porn horn sounds. there could be other shit too, i guess, like a real slobbery St. Bernard starts licking her face or dump some ice water on her, all whilst expecting a gizload.

i don't know. what do you think?
Wow - now that's fucking funny. I don't really know how I can expand on it because it's really all there. I think it works because it's universal - every porn scene ends like this, and it's probably the dumbest moment of the whole porn clip. No girl wants some dude to blow it in her eyes, but at these moments the women say shit like "Give it to me baby!" and "I want it on my face!" The visual of a guy saying "You want it? Then close your eyes" and then taking giant bucket of ice water and throwing it on the chick has kept me laughing since I've read this email. Or the guy saying, "You want it? Well then hold this giant vase filled with marbles and I'll give it to you" - it's brilliant. Simply brilliant.

So thank you Joe from Williamsburg for our first "EOTW" (there - that's much shorter).


Six Songs:

"You're Always Going Too Soon" Matthew Jay
Dan in NYC recommended this one to me (well, this artist). Catchy little tune with some nice guitar work. Kinda sad too, so that's right up my alley. Because I need help getting myself depressed. I can't do that easily enough by stripping down and looking in the mirror at my bear-like body and wine cork-like penis. Seriously, naked I look like an acorn on a furry bean bag. Anyway...

God I love that "acorn on a bean bag" joke.

"Boy With A Problem" Elvis Costello
(Please note: if you're downloading this, be sure to download the version from the album "Trust", not "Imperial Bedroom". They are very different and the version from "Trust" is much, much better.)
This is the best song ever written about having a drinking problem. Very intense, very sad, very much worth checking out. Just a guy at his piano singing his heart out about how his boozing is ruining his marriage. Damn.

"Here" Pavement
I'm reluctant to recommend a Pavement song because way back when I recommend "Shady Lane" I got emails from hardcore Pavement fans for the next two weeks saying that "Shady Lane" was a terrible song of theirs and I'm an asshole. I admit, I don't know crap about Pavement, but I like this song. It is also very depressing and makes me want to take some quaaludes or valium or something that will allow me to lay around all day in bed feeling tired and wonderful. And that's really all I have to say about this.

"I Could Die For You" RHCP
Moving onto something a little more happy (or at least sweet). When "By The Way" came out, it really rocked my world. It's so melodic and, well, pretty. But at the same time it doesn't compromise the signature Chili Pepper's sound. Anyway, I dig this song...a nice little alterna-love song.

"You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)" The Beatles
Is anyone else pissed at The Beatles because they too think the first part of this song is pretty awesome, and then it goes and gets all weird? When I meet Paul McCartney, I'll make sure this is the first thing I talk to him about. And then I'll ask about his wife's wooden leg.

“It’s Oh So Quiet” Bjork
Seriously, what would it be like to fuck Bjork? I envision her bouncing around, screaming, yelping, biting, stopping to piss on the floor, starting again, punching, kicking, stopping again to start a fire in a wastepaper basket, starting again, pulling clumps of hair out (both your and hers), all the while yelling gibberish at the top of her lungs. And what kind of guy gets to say, "Yeah, Bjork's my girlfriend." I mean, how fucked up does that dude have to be?

Anyway, it ain't a bad song. Weird, but good weird.


Because of the Good Friday holiday tomorrow, I have off work and therefore will not be posting. Instead, I will be lying in bed, recover from a hangover and will probably make a large marijuana purchase. So thank you Jesus for dying for my sins and giving me this day off to buy a lot of pot. Seriously - I owe you one.

(Also, I think we have a record. In this post, I compared my penis to a pen cap, a wine cork, and an acorn. Wow - I don't often pat myself on the back, but I think I deserve it here. Have a good weekend.)

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