Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, March 10, 2005
 
helping out my bros, Brawny, subway love, beard, music, etc
Guys, two things that we need to address immediately.

1) To all guys who were jewelry - please stop (I've written about this before, but no one listened, so I have to say it again).

First, the college class ring. Look, I loved college. It was a blast, four years (or for some of us, six years) of consequence-free drinking and making out, but it's over. Gone. Forever. Yes, it sucks, but it's true.

You know what's a good way to remember those college days? Meet up with some old buddies, get shit-faced, go to a strip club and offer a dancer $60 to procreate. You know what's not a good way to remember college? Wear a huge, gaudy ring.

To guys who wear bracelets or necklaces - really, not cool. Actually, it could be cool. If you were a woman.

I read in an advice column in Men's Health in which the columnist said the only acceptable jewelry for a man to wear is a) a watch and b) a wedding ring. That's it. This is great advice. I also read a while back in an article, I think it was from The New Yorker, which talked about dating in the city and essentially how women were money-grubbin' hos (please note: we here at jasonmulgrew.com do not share this view and understand that all you want is security and a man who can do more than six girl push-ups). One woman said something in the article to the effect of: "There's one way to tell how much money a man makes: look at his shoes and look at his watch. That'll tell you everything you need to know." So instead of dropping a couple hondos on a man-bracelet, why don't you use that money to get a nice, tasteful watch? This way you'll be able to score with more NYC women.

[Also, this does not bode well for me. I wear New Balances and no watch. Looks like I'm stuck. Fuck. Can anyone suggest a good internet dating site? I'm sure cyber-ladies would be impressed with my growing Internet Empire and Quasi-Celebrity status.]

The term "men's jewelry" should be made an oxymoron by our generation, and yet still I go out and see guys my age wearing gold. I mean, damn. It's entirely unacceptable for a mid-twenties guy to wear giant bejeweled ring, or a bracelet, or a necklace. If someone you know wears his class ring or other jewelry, please pull him aside and gently suggest that he might want to stop. It may be tough, but it's one of those things in life that you just have to do. Kinda like telling your buddy that his new girlfriend once sucked you off in a check cashing place for a half a Frosty and a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. You just have to do it.

2) To all guys with long fingernails - no, no, no. I don't know why I have to say this either, because it's just common sense. I don't know much about women, aside from what I see from the bushes, fire escapes and dark alleys, but I think most women would find long fingernails a dealbreaker. I don't know; I could be wrong.

In college, my roommate Joe and I had a contest to see who could be grossest by neglecting a part of their body. Obviously, my first choice was to stop wiping my ass, something that surely would have won the competition, but my other roommates roundly rejected this idea. Instead, I chose to let my neck beard grow (my neck beard stretches from my chin to my chest - very gross). My roommate Joe choose to stop cutting his fingernails.

The competition was a failure because my neck beard grew much faster than his fingernails, but long story short, his long-ass fingernails were much grosser than my neck beard. I looked like a Wookie, whereas Joe looked like Nosferatu or some shit (Note: the picture of the Wookie, a Phish fan, is not me).

Some please, guys, keep the fingernails trimmed. C'mon.

Thank you.

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Have you seen the new Brawny paper towel commercials? You know, the homoeroticly-charged ones, where the pretty boy dude is staring lustily into the camera, cleaning up a mess, and then picks up a puppy with some icing on its nose and continues staring lustily? You know, the really uncomfortable one that makes you question both the advertising industry and your own sexuality? No?

Well then forget it.

But you can see them here. And they're really, really creepy. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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This morning, I saw a girl about my age on the subway looking hungover (but still put together) with stamp of last night's bar/club still on her hand. She looked pretty good, but you could see in her face that she was in some serious pain. I wanted to go up to her, give her a big hug, and say, "I know what kind of pain you are in. Why don't you let me buy you a smoothie and then we'll take some pictures of you pooping in a tub?"

Alas, I didn't. I'm just too chicken. I guess now I'll never know if she would have said yes. Damn.

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Earlier this week, I had a beard. Now, I have a goatee. I did not mean for this to happen. The lesson? Do not trim your beard when you are high. No matter how great the idea sounds at the time, odds are you are going to push too hard on the beard trimmer and the attachment will fly off and you will cut a giant, gaping hole in your beard on your right cheek. And your drugged up roommates will find this more hilarious than it is. And you will be stuck telling co-workers and friends when they ask about your new look, "Yeah, I just wanted to try something different. And just so you know, this is not the result of illegal drugs. Not at all."

*****************************

Six Songs:

- "Indoor Fireworks" Elvis Costello
Elvis Costello is, hands down, my favorite artist ever. I was contemplating whether this is the best song of his to pimp to y'all and I quickly decided it's not. However, after my reunion last weekend I was very hungover on Sunday and listening to this song and it almost moved me to tears. Well, this song and the fact that I was very constipated.

- "It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends" Bright Eyes
I don't get Bright Eyes - I mean, is he singing or crying? Can anyone tell the difference? Does it matter? Whatever.

- "Roll With It" Steve Winwood
This has to be the whitest song of all time. Whenever I hear it, I can't help but think of a bunch of 40 year-old white guys, standing on the deck of a boat or yacht wearing khakis and Oxford shirts, sipping fruity drinks and dancing out of rhythm, occasionally yelling out, "Yeah!" or "Tell 'em Steve!" and high-fiving. And I want to be them.

- "Here Comes Your Man" The Pixies
I hate this band. So much that when I wrote about how much I hate them before, some douche in Boston proceeded to send me emails randomly over the next couple months, saying stuff like, "Hey, great post today. You know what else is great? The Pixies you asshole." And then he'd go on for two pages about shit I could care less about, trying to get me to like this band. I don't like this band. That's not gonna change. But I like this song. So there.

- "Jesus of Suburbia" Green Day
After asking why no one writes songs like The Who's "A Quick One While He's Away", Eric from Chicago suggested I check out the new Green Day and holy crap - it's pretty good. I like this little medley, my favorite part being the "City of the Damned" section, because anytime you can mix distorted guitars, piano, and a chorus where people scream "Hey!" in the background, well, you're onto something.

- "The Luckiest Guy In The Lower East Side" The Magnetic Fields
This songs was recommended to me way back by Becky from NYC. God I love this band.

Speaking of the Lower East Side, before moving uptown last year I lived in the LES for two years, where I had a three bedroom apartment for $2000 (total). It was an ok place and believe it or not, $2000 for a three bedroom in NYC is really good. I'm looking to move back downtown this June and have been doing some preliminary research on apartments and it doesn't look like I can find a decent two bedroom apartment for $2000.

Moving out of the LES to the Upper East Side: real smooth, Mulgrew. Real smooth.

[Also, I've gotten some terrible music suggestions from you all recently, so bad that I actually think that some of you are suggesting bad music to me on purpose. Good lord. If you have anything good that you think I should check out, email them to me and put "music suggestions" in the title.]

[Another word on emails: I am very behind on emails. To help me out on this, please do NOT send me any forwards. I'm sure if I met you we would be friends and I love the emails and read every one of them, but please, no forwards or quizzes or anything like that. I'm sorry, but this is called tough love.]



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