Everything is wrong with me
Friday, February 04, 2005
the ultimate
[FYI: Whether the Eagles win or lose this Sunday, there will be no post on Monday, as Sunday night I will be black-out drunk and have off the following day. If the Eagles win, there will be no post on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, as I will have off those days and spend that time trying to murder myself with Miller Lite. Thank you and god bless.]

I have not asked much from you people.

Well, for the most part.

But when I have asked for something from you all, you left me disappointed and miserable - a fat hunk of man, erect, with a heavy (read: enlarged due to high cholesterol) heart.

I have asked you for anonymous sex, and you have failed to deliver even the quickest most chaffiest handjob.

I have asked for pictures of you in compromising positions, hopefully giving quick, chaffy handjobs, and instead I get pictures of guys crowded around their passed out buddy or pictures of guys putting their balls on stuff. Not sexual. Not sexual at all (that is, unless I've had a beer or two).

When I asked for a small donation around the holidays, a token of appreciation for all blood, sweat, and tears, and semen, I put into each post, less than one tenth of one percent of you donated. You ungrateful sons of bitches.

But all of this in the past, and I am over it. I'm slowly starting to realize that after almost one year of giving you all of my love and effort, you are prepared to do very little in return for me, especially if it involves both my genitals or genital region and your hand, mouth, or heinie.

Yet I ask for one more thing from you, something more important than all the rest, something that, if it works properly, can be the greatest gift you could ever give me: I ask for your support of the Philadelphia Eagles in this weekend's Super Bowl against the New England Patriots.

I know that it's a strange thing to ask for, but I believe if all of you think long and hard about it and truly wish for victory for the Eagles, it can happen. Nay, it will happen.

In an effort to help you cheer on the Birds, here are some reasons that you should root for the Eagles this Sunday.

- Do it for me. I can not articulate how much an Eagles' victory would mean to me, because something like that would require actual writing ability, as opposed to stringing together dick, fat, and racist jokes. But suffice to say, it would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And this is the most serious thing I've ever written on this site.

I'm a pretty emotional guy, and if they win, there's no doubt that I would essentially come unglued. I see two possible scenarios for me if the Eagles win: 1) I break out into tremendous sobs of joy that are so uncontrollable that I eventually collapse and have a complete and thorough emotional breakdown; or 2) I flip the fuck out, take off my shirt, and run to Independence Hall to take the Liberty Bell as a souvenir back to my apartment in NYC, and am stopped only after eight bullets.

Bottom line: save for the birth of my next child, I can't imagine something being more special to me than an Eagles' championship.

- Do it for Philly. Much has been written this week about the inferiority complex Philadelphia has. Despite being the fifth largest city in the US, we're stuck on the eastern seaboard between Washington and NYC, capitals of government and business, and there's Boston 300 miles to the north, a hub for the entire region of New England.

To some extent, Philly does have an inferiority complex, but that's not a bad thing. We are a proud, blue-collar town, filled with some of the most voracious and insane sports fans in the country, who, by the way, haven't had a championship in over twenty years.

Truth be told, I can not imagine what would happen to the city of Philadelphia if the Eagles won the Super Bowl. Even the Red Sox championship celebration was tempered by the Puritanical nature of the state and city government and the accidental shooting death of a Sox fan by police a week before.

For Philly's celebration, all bets would be off. Good lord. Philadelphia may cease to exist as a city if the Eagles won. I can picture my father, a die-hard lifelong Eagles fan, slowly putting out his cigarette as he watches the Eagles celebrate, getting out of his chair and going outside his house, staring at it and saying, "Well, the Eagles won the Super Bowl", and burning his own house down. I would not be shocked if this scene were to repeat itself all over Philadelphia. Because things like living in a non-burned down house will simply no longer matter if the Eagles win a championship.

- Do it for sports fans everywhere. We have in this corner the lowly Philadelphia Eagles, a team without a championship pedigree hailing from a city full of fat people who have mullets and spend their days eating cheesesteaks and eating more cheesesteaks (they even have the fattest coach in the league!). The team is lead by that corn-rowed balding quarterback who does those lame Chunky Soup commercials. And he's black! Ugh!

And in this corner, we have the (yes, the) New England Patriots! The greatest team in all of sports history! Led by the smartest man who has ever lived on planet Earth, Bill Belichick! I heard he beat Socrates in a chess match - three times - and I'm told he actually ghost-wrote the Bible (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were just his pen names)! And have you seen the quarterback Tom Brady! He's the dreamiest! He's so all-American! Look at that square-jaw! I think I might faint!

Seriously, have you guys been reading any sports outlet recently? All this talk about the Pats' dynasty and being the greatest team ever and I heard Teddy Bruschi gave mouth-to-mouth to a retarded kid who was choking on a chicken wing and drowning at the same time and blah blah blah.

Christ - it makes me want to throw up. So root for the underdog. Root for them because they represent a chance for victory in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Root for them against the Patriots because Eagles fans would root for your team in the same situation (please note: this does not apply to fans of the Cowboys, Giants, or Redskins).

[As an aside, I can't tell you how happy the cover story on espn.com makes me (in case you missed it, the article is here and it compares the "genius" of Patriot's coach Bill Belichick to the genius of Albert Einstein - wow).]


So there you go: three good reasons to root for the Philadelphia Eagles this weekend. And now, I would like to take a minute to talk to the Philadelphia Eagles and their fans.

Guys, I'm not going to say we're going to win, and I'm not going to make a prediction. I feel good. That's all I'll say. And coming from someone who is a hypochondriac, a drunk, and coming down off a slight cocaine buzz I caught last night, that's saying something. That's saying a lot actually.

There are four things at play here that we have to realize:

1) There is zero pressure on us. We've already thrown the monkey off our back by winning the NFC Championship and getting to the Super Bowl. If we lose, no one will blink and eye and everyone will say, "Well, at least they got here, and they have all the pieces in place for another run next year." If we lose, we can say, "Well, TO wasn't 100%." If we lose, we can say, "Well, we lost to a dynasty."

On the other side of the ball, the Pats are being called one of the greatest teams in NFL history. Tom Brady is being compared to Joe Montana, which is kinda like comparing me to Vladimir Nabakov. Hearing from Pats fans and reports from Philly fans who live in Boston, it sounds as though the caterers have been paid (we're going to have scallops wrapped in bacon, crab cakes, and cocktail wieners) and the schools are already closed for Tuesday's victory parade in Beantown.

I know that both this teams are filled with professionals and professionals don't worry about pressure, but no matter how professional you are, having no pressure on you and your team doesn't hurt.

2) There has been a lot of talk of the Patriots' experience in the Super Bowl. Remember, "experience" is only another way to describe the past. There is a football game this Sunday that will be decided by 60-minutes of football this Sunday. I know it seems obvious, but it seems like many forget this.

I will take hunger and passion over experience and history any day.

3) There is such a thing as karma, such a thing as destiny (just ask any Pats fan about their beloved Red Sox). I would be remiss if I didn't say that things seem right for this Eagles team. I can't explain it, and I won't attempt to explain it, but it's there. And boy can we fucking feel it.

4) One last note: Tom Brady is 8-0 in the playoffs as a starter.


Well, everyone's gotta lose sometime.


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