Tuesday, February 15, 2005
three links, with comments
I don't know how many of you are aware of this, but Tom Sizemore is the greatest celebrity fuck up of all time.
His history of drug abuse is well-documented. He dated a former Hollywood madam - nay, the former Hollywood madam - Heidi Fleiss, and beat the shit out of her. He has cried at several court appearances and talked about wanting to get his life back together. And now this. I don't even know what to say.
I mean, I couldn't make something like this up even if I really, really tried. My favorite parts:
- Sizemore failed his court-ordered daily drug test on the first day. He was ordered to get tested every day and failed on the first try! That means when the judge passed down his decision requiring Sizemore to be tested on a daily basis, at that moment Tommy must have been thinking, "Oh no - no way this is going to work. I'm gonna have to figure something out. Because fuck that - I fucking love drugs."
- The brand name of the fake penis: the Whizzinator. Wow. A company actually makes a product whose sole purposes is to cheat authorities and allow drug users to illegally keep using drugs. How is this allowed? I get caught one time stealing hypodermic needles from my doctor's office and now can no longer find a doctor to take me as a patient, but an entire company is built around promoting drug use and nothing happens to them? Where is the justice here? Where is the fucking justice?
- According to the article, Sizemore is destitute, living in a garage in Whittier, California, and an expectant father. Poor bastard. But this is part of the reason I keep asking you jerkoffs to pass on the site: when I'm famous one day, I can guarantee a similar write-up about me. Something like, "Jason Mulgrew, since he was blacklisted by the Hollywood community in 2007 for attacking actress Chloe Sevigny at the Oscars with a really old cordless phone for allegedly stalking him, has been living in abject poverty on a ranch forty miles north of Santa Fe, where he writes racist literature and breeds racist dogs. When we went to his residence to ask for comment, Mulgrew answered the door, and without saying a word calmly came onto the porch, removed his pants and underwear, laid down, and spent the next twenty minutes trying to bite his own penis."
Mr. Sizemore - I would like to write your biography. I know that I don't write very well, and the final product will be more about me and the Hollywood actresses I want to sleep with than you and your life, but at least we'll get fucked up together.
I don't need an answer now - just think about it.
In keeping with our "teachers fucking students" theme, my friend Allie sent me this story about the godmother of this type of thing, Mary Kay Letourneau.
So, let me get this family straight: the mother is 43, the father is 22, and the daughters, who will be flowers girls in the wedding, are 7 and 6.
What's the over/under on the age at which these girls lose their virginity - 9.5? Should I contact "Girls Gone Wild" about these girls now, to give them the heads up? Or should we book their appearance on the Howard Stern Show for 2017 now, just so they have plenty of time to get all their travel arrangements ready?
God damn do I feel bad for those girls. On the other hand, they have a free pass to do whatever the hell they want for the rest of their lives. Think about it - after they get arrested for blowing a a dude for some meth money, the judge would say, "So let me get this straight - your mother was a 34 year-old married teacher with four kids when she started fucking your dad, who was 12 at the time. Then she went to jail for rape for seven years and gave birth to you two. You know what? You can leave. Case dismissed, and god help you."
Lucky bitches. And whenever I go before a judge the only excuses I have are "I have really high blood pressure" or "She was asking for it, what with her tight pants and all and that one sexy crossed-eye" or "I'm sorry, but I was really, REALLY fucked up at the time and I don't remember shit."
My buddy Joe sent this article to my friend Bill and I, saying in his email, "Bill, they spelled your mom's name wrong."
Nice, Joe. Nice.
Bill's response: "Oh, like you guys enjoy rolling joints for your parents. I felt like I was working in Bangladesh...I just couldn't take it anymore."
God I need new friends.