Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
an open letter to God followed by a short discussion

I know that You and I have had our differences. And I know that You and I don't often see eye to eye. And I know that You and I don't really like each other, because of that time I called You a card cheat and hit You with a tree branch and then You slashed my tires (or was it You who called me a card cheat? It was so long ago I can't really remember). I think that we can both agree that our relationship in this lifetime is irreparable. It just isn't going to work.

Still, I propose a truce. I think, though it's obvious we will never become friends, that we should try to be civil to one another and stop with all the name-calling, crank calls, and frivolous lawsuits. I feel that this will do much to lessen the aggravation we have in our lives. I know You have a lot going on with all those crazies using Your name and cause to kill everyone, and my plate is full (literally) with trying to find the perfect carrot cake.

In the spirit of this truce, I ask a favor. I ask this favor not for now, but for my next lifetime. I realize that You will need time to heal and think about it, but while I have You listening, I figure I might as well ask.

In my next lifetime, can You please make it so that when I'm a 13 year-old male student my female hot, blond 20-something teacher "rapes" me? Please? I don't think this is asking for too much. Apparently, it's the cool thing to do, as this is the second time in less than a year it's happened.

I don't want an answer now - all I want is for You to think about it. I know we've had our problems, but deep down, we have a lot in common: we both love attention, we are both right-handed, we both hate my ex-girlfriend but love fried chicken, and both of us are wannabe writers - You "writing" the Bible and me "writing" a web site that features dick/fat/homophobic jokes.

Again, I don't need an answer right now, but please think about it. I hope this letter finds You well, and tell everyone I said hello (except that bastard Gregor Mendel - don't even tell him I wrote to You, as I owe him $800).

Before we continue talking about this, please give me a minute to pick up what's left of my penis, as it has exploded all over my office.


Ok, basically, I'm not going to be able to write about this. When this happened before with the teacher in Florida, I tried to write about it, but it was one of the worst things I've ever written simply because I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

So many thoughts and questions:

- Why are these kids telling others about their good fortune? For the love of god, if any of you reading this are in high school and having sex with your hot teacher, DO NOT TELL ANYONE. Not even your friends. Shut up and enjoy getting laid. You are in the most enviable position any man can ever know. So seriously, shut the fuck up. Zip.

- Why are these women seeking 13 years olds for sexual satisfaction? I mean ladies, come on! What kind of world do we live in when a 13 year-old regularly fucks his hot teacher but yours truly gets accused of intentionally rubbing up against women on the subway twice a week? I ask you, where is the justice?

And what does a 13 year-old boy know about sex anyway? Sure, I know next to nothing about sex too, but at least I know where everything goes, having been an avid fan of porn for almost 14 years. Please, if you are reading this and you are a hot, blond 20-something teacher looking to be sexed-up, stay away from your pubescent students and email me instead. There's at least a 4% chance that you'll get some satisfaction from me, but at the very least you're guaranteed the scariest, most hair-filled ninety seconds of your life. And I'll give you $120.

- Why are these women's husbands not hanging from the nearest rafters? As far as "Worst Break-Up Scenarios" go, in my mind it's:

* getting dumped but you know it's coming
* getting dumped out of the blue
* getting dumped because your girl says she not enjoying your sex life/no longer attracted to you
* your girl cheating on you
* your girl cheating on you with that guy she always hangs out with who you thought was gay
* your girl cheating on you with an NBA player
* your girl cheating on you with your brother
* your girl cheating on you with your dad
* your girl cheating on you with a 13 year-old kid
* your girl cheating on you with a 13 year-old kid and lighting your junk (penis and testes) on fire while you sleep

I mean, that's it. You're on the second level of hell with that one, men. And my god, I'm sorry for you.

You know what? I have to stop writing about this. I am filled with such rage, lust, and jealousy that I have to stop before something or someone gets hurts.

Good lord.

<< Home

Powered by Blogger