Everything is wrong with me
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
love, STD's, and answers
I got an email recently that I thought deserved attention. Anytime someone sends me an email involving a love triangle and an STD, well, you're damn right I'm gonna help as best as I can.

I have a bit of a problem that I would like your help with. See, I'm in love with this girl. And not like the kind of love where you want her to swallow your jizz. I mean, this girl has been my best friend for a really long time. Well, we almost hooked up over thanksgiving last year, but decided not to because my parents were in the other room. Well she goes back to chicago after the weekend and the next weekend my X-Girlfriend shows up. We talk and she tells me she has HPV. This poor girl is convinced that she has given it to me so she is heartbroken. well we talk as she is going through the whole testing/burning off warts phase, and everthing is going great. Then we get back together (I know what everyone is thinking, and by everyone I mean me and Jason, you're thinking that I am an idiot because she has an STD. Well, you'd be right. But I would be fat. Plus I have been a pretty big whore in the past so I am 97.4% sure that I gave it to her. The HPV though is neither here nor there. The point is I am living with this human CDC Lab now. And she wants to get married, I guess she figures this is the best way for us to Quarantine the virus. But I am freaked out now. And I really miss my friend. And I am pretty sure I am making the wrong choice. Please help me.

Jon-Paul Logan St. John
[location withheld]

By the way, if you post this please use an alias (and make it something tough, nothing new age and pussy.)
Well, Jon-Paul Logan St. John, this is quite a doozy. Let's recap: you're in love with a girl who's your best friend. You almost made out with her, but you didn't. She moved away, and then your ex came back into your life. The ex is upset because a) she has HPV and b) she thinks she gave you HPV. You got back together with her because you're fat and can't get any better and are pretty sure you're the one who gave her the HPV. Now you're living together and she wants to get married. And you miss the best friend. Hmmm...

First of all, I have no idea why anyone would ask me for advice. None. I can't imagine the desperate situation you must be in to turn to someone who hasn't considered another person's feelings since the womb for guidance, especially since I'm only going to make lame and/or tasteless jokes anyway. To wit, you lost me on the whole part about your love not being the kind of love where you want her to "swallow your jizz". I mean, what other kind of love is there, finally? What, are you all high and mighty just because you are able to feel that Hallmark/in-the-movies type love, whereas the closest thing I feel to "love" is my warm penis in my clammy hand after a night of binge drinking and starting garbage fires? Asshole.

Second, for your own health (and subsequently the health of others), you must get an STD test. This isn't even an issue. I got one, a lot of people get them, it's not a big deal. Sure, it was miserable, but to be honest it was totally worth it. In my case at least, as I don't have any STD's. Probably not so much in your case, as you're fairly certain you have HPV. Either way, you need to get tested. You have to protect yourself (and your girl). Also, I don't want to be in the same room with you, have a few too many drinks, and then through a series of strange and homoerotic events end up with HPV myself. So get tested. Seriously.

[By the way, I just spent about 30 minutes on my computer at work reading HPV and STD sites. I can't wait for the IT department to review my internet history. I was just waiting for my boss to walk in and catching me looking at a site that said, "Genital Warts and You: How To Treat Your Genital Warts".]

Third, I have a lot of follow-up questions (Under what circumstances did you and the ex get back? Who initiated it? What do you mean "almost" hooked up? Is the best friend aware at all of your feelings? By any chance, your ex isn't a slightly chubby girl named Andrea who was in Brighton at The Avenue Bar on March 23, 2001, is she? Because something itches down there, and she's the most "questionable" lady of my past), but it's too late now and I needed a topic to write about for today, so I'm just gonna wing it. Also, I'm not even sure if this is serious, but I probably shouldn't write that, lest I hurt anyone's feelings (read: lest anyone comes to my house and sets me on fire).

Your problem is a complex one but your solution is simple. The way I see it, you have two options:

1) Stay with and possibly marry the girl you're currently with. I don't think I'd choose this option. It sounds like this girl is pretty serious about being with you (if she's talking about marriage), whereas, to put it mildly, your heart doesn't seem into it (calling her a "human CDC Lab" was my first tip).

Maintaining a relationship because of an inferiority complex and guilt is not the way to go (not that I would know what a "good relationship" is based on; most of my relationships are/have been built around jealousy and punching).

Instead, I'd chose...

2) Be honest with her. Well, actually, not really. Let's scrap this and instead go with -

2) Follow your gut. In my opinion, you should end it with the current girl and make your feelings known to the best friend. The reason I scrapped "Be honest with her" is because you should only use partial honesty. For example, you should not say, "Listen, I think we should end it. I'm in love with my best friend, and the only reason I was with you is because I think you're about the best I can do and I feel guilty about possibly giving you HPV. Oh, did I mention that I possibly gave you HPV? Sorry about that. So, um, yeah..."

Instead, tell her that you don't feel the same way about her that she feels about you, and you think that you two should go your separate ways. I don't really know how you can do this. In my previous relationships, I usually just stopped calling or one of us went to jail.

The point is that as it stands right now you're not being fair to yourself, your girl, or the girl you're in love with. To keep things status quo is a great and obvious error. Do right by your current girl, end the relationship, and, when you're ready, start to talk to the best friend about your feelings.

[One caveat: if your best friend is really, really hot and you are really, really fat and ugly, it ain't gonna work, so don't even try it. She's just your friend, and no matter how nice you are to her she isn't going to fuck you. Although, in your case I feel like you have a chance, as you said that you two "almost hooked up". As long as you don't mean it in the way I do when I say "I'm almost drug-free" or "I almost never masturbate with my thumb up my butt", then you're set.]

Case closed.


Geez, this shit is easy. Who's next?

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