Everything is wrong with me
Friday, February 11, 2005
doctor love
This weekend, couples all over the world (or wherever) will be celebrating Valentine's Day, which is officially Monday.


I don't really have much to say about Valentine's Day. Even before I inexplicably stopped all consensual, cost-free sexual interaction with the fairer sex, I never thought of Valentine's Day as a very big deal. However, I know that with women, this is not the case. Valentine's Day to a lot of women is like Christmas, their birthday, and the day that bitch they hate at work got fired for stealing phones all rolled into one.

[I'm sorry, but I can't get over the fact that I'm going to try to write a post offering tips for guys on how to make their ladies happy. Last month, I indirectly offered diet tips and now romance tips - what's next? "How to stay clean when your roommates are alcoholics?" or "Why you should always order the side salad even if the soup is a delicious cream-based chowder?" Good lord - what is happening to me? I must be dying.]

Anyway, to me (and a lot of other guys), Valentine's Day is dumb and only a contrived excuse to spend money. All the hearts and flowers and cards and blah blah blah just represent dollar signs. Really, how can something like romance be mass produced on a designated day? Doesn't Valentine's Day at heart (pun intended) defy the very definition of "romance"?

The hype notwithstanding, there's also the element of pressure. Most guys obsess about creating the perfect Valentine's Day; I obsess about creating new and cheaper ways to get fucked up ("Spray Tinactin on a Marlboro Red? I'll do it!").

For example, my buddy Nevin, years ago when he first started dating his girlfriend Molly, was searching for the perfect way to spend their first Valentine's Day together. After much research and deliberation, he surprised her at work and took her on a helicopter tour of Manhattan. This tops my previous best Valentine's gift to a woman: a punch to the stomach after a huge blow out over who was the better Batman: Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, or George Clooney (so help me god if you say Clooney...).

When he was wrapping up his due diligence, he called me to see what I thought about the helicopter idea. My immediate reaction: "You know, you're kinda raising the bar a little high, aren't you? I mean, years from now when the love is gone between you two and routine has set in, you're going to get in arguments and she's gonna say, 'What happened to us? Remember when you took me on the helicopter ride around Manhattan for our first Valentine's Day? Now all you do is drink beer and watch sports! Where did our love go?'" To his credit, Nevin stuck to his guns, and to this day he and Molly are still together. The moral: I know nothing about woman.

In that vein, here are five simple tips that require only marginal effort to make your lady happy, on Valentine's Day or otherwise.

1) Make her a card. This is so, so simple, and women eat this shit up. Instead of spending a few bucks on a card written by some douche who doesn't know anything about you, your girl, or your relationship, get some glue, construction paper, scissors, and markers, and make your own. You may wind up spending more than a card would cost, but I would recommend stealing these supplies from work or robbing a second-grader.

And really - go to town on the card. Cut out a heart from red construction paper, draw pictures of you two dancing in the heart, draw genitals on the pictures if you're feeling especially randy, etc. Pretend like you are in second grade; in my experience, the cruder the card looks the better. Women love effort and she won't care that your card looks like some highly-diabetic blind kid made it - she'll care that you tried. Speaking of effort...

2) Make her dinner. Another easy one. A lot of guys feel pressure when they decide to make a woman dinner, like they have to make shit like framboise sauce or tomato concassé or saffron infused sea bass (Editor's Note: I have no idea what any of this stuff is; I pulled it off a menu I found online). But that's completely unnecessary. The only rules you need to follow when making a woman dinner are: 1) make her something that you like; 2) make her something that you're sure you know how to make. Of course, you should take her tastes into consideration a little bit: if she's a vegetarian, don't make her a triple bacon cheeseburger with bacon fries and meatballs for dessert. And please note that you must use a little sense here. For example, this could never work for me, because I would wind up making a woman my most gourmet dish: Jason Mulgrew's Loaded Chili. This consists of a can of Hormel chili, mixed with a can of sliced potatoes that have been cooked in a heavily buttered skillet and dosed with three types of cheese, with a generous dollop of sour cream on top. Don't make your lady chili. Just don't.

3) Pretend you're gay and make her a photo album or collage. Women love pictures. God, if I had a dollar for every time I was in a woman's room and after making love to her and her breasts all night long she offered to show me some pictures, I'd have zero dollars. But women - damn they love pictures.

So buy her a nice, artsy-looking photo album and put some pics of you two in there. Of, if you're feeling artsy yourself, make some sort of collage of the pictures. If you want to be especially sneaky, insert some suggestive pictures in there, like maybe a man and a woman having anal sex. If you do this properly, she'll probably let you do her in the butt. And no, I have absolutely no evidence to back this up.

4) Surprise her with affection. Who doesn't love surprises? Call her on a Tuesday morning at work and tell her you're thinking about her. Mail her (normal mail, not email) a short note saying that you like her like more than a friend. Show up at her door with flowers on a weekday. Easy, easy stuff to do, and the returns can be awesome (read: facial).

5) Who needs holidays? Think of what a traditional Valentine's Day entails: a pricey, romantic dinner and a night out on the town; a trip to the mountains, complete with fire and whiskey; a night or two at a nice hotel with lots of room service and nudity. Then take these ideas and instead of doing them on February 14, do them on April 23 or August 13 or November 5. This is especially great if you've been dating a while and have reached the "been there, done that" point of the relationship. Again, use the element of your surprise to your advantage and whisk her away for no reason at all. Of course, you do have a reason: to get a nasty, almost violent porn-caliber blowjob from her. But please, don't verbalize this and try to subtly make it happen. Something like this will help.


So there are your five tips. Please men, learn from me. Many of you out there are dating women you don't really deserve, because you drink too much or are addicted to porn or haven't washed your sheets since Kerry really had a shot. I'm not saying that I'm any better - if anyone doesn't deserve a girlfriend, it's me, what with all the hatred of minorities and low self-esteem and sporadic fits of rage and violence and all. Plus, I'm more into kids than women anyway.

But as someone who throughout his life has been the ostensibly gay best friend to women he secretly wanted to violate in every possible way, learn from me. The ideas listed above require only a minimal amount of effort on your part, and they'll make her very, very happy (unless she's a really cold bitch and you're only with her because you know you can't get any better).

So have a happy and safe Valentine's Day weekend. For those lonely hearts out there, I will see you in the bars of NYC this weekend, where I will try to stick my finger(s) around, up, and in your heinie (male or female, but preferably female).

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