Everything is wrong with me
Monday, February 28, 2005
back and the Oscars
I'm back and I'm alive, so that's good. Everything else...not so good. Because it requires the proper amount of effort and love, I'll give a full recount on London later, but I wanted to say a lil' sumpin' about the Oscars.

First, I should say that I didn't watch much of the Academy Awards. After all, save for a few instances in 1978, I have a nearly unblemished record of heterosexuality, so there's really no reason for me to watch them, especially when I have hours and hours of porn on my computer which I didn't see all week while in London.

(By the way, after my behavior in the last 24 hours since returning home, my penis is filing a sexual harassment lawsuit against me. Good god. I've abused it so much since getting home that I woke up in the middle of the night last night to find that it had detached itself from my body and was crawling toward the door, trying to get escape the near-endless beatings. Poor bastard.)

Second, I don't know much about acting. I've never acted in anything, save for a role in Mrs. Martucci's 1992 7th grade class production of "Hamlet", in which I played Laertes. I don't know how I was able to pull it off, as I suffer from terrible stage fright. Actually, I do know how I was able to pull it off: a few Jack 'n' cokes and a blow job right before going on loosened me up quite a bit. And to this day Tom says it was the best beejer he's ever gotten.

Add to this that I don't really watch movies. Sure, I like the same movies that every 25 year-old male asshole who really gets off on women peeing on tile floors likes ("Old School", "The Big Lebowski", "Office Space", "Anchorman", "The Royal Tennenbaums", "Love Actually", etc), but movies aren't my thing. I just don't have the time to sit down for two hours to watch people do shit. Well, I do have the time, but I don't have the attention span. Sometimes a movie will grab a hold of me, but most of the time after fifteen minutes I'm thinking of ribs or plotting revenge against that Chinese guy who hangs around outside my building for laughing at me when I fell down the stairs that time.

But I do know the following:

- Jamie Foxx (that's two X's) won an Oscar for Best Actor, and was also nominated for Best Supporting Actor
- Jamie Foxx was/is a stand-up comedian and was on "In Living Color"
So I am compelled to ask: how fucking hard is acting? Jamie Foxx won a fucking Oscar? What the hell is going on here?

I'm not saying that his performance in "Ray" wasn't spectacular. I'm sure it was great, though I haven't and won't see it (my intense racism doesn't allow me to see any movies with black people in them, let alone movies about black people). I'm just saying that Jamie Foxx was a stand-up comedian and he won an Oscar. Therefore, my respect for acting as a profession is lessened.

And this is not the first time an Oscar nomination has caused me to say, "What the fuck?" To wit, Queen Latifah was nominated for an Oscar in 2003. Queen Fucking Latifah, the rapper? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't even have a joke here.

I hope this is not perceived as racist, since my targets both happen to be African-American. I would feel the same way if Jeff Foxworthy or Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas were nominated in 2007. It just sort of makes me wonder how much of acting is art and how much of it is luck and looks.

A lot of people have talent. Even more work hard. However, both of these attributes pale in comparison to being lucky and good-looking, which are much more influential for success. I don't want to get too into this because I could go on forever and I really have to piss, but I'm very peeved (and yes, I know Queen Latifah isn't good-looking in the traditional sense, but hell, I'd bone her).

I recall seeing a red carpet interview with Cate Blanchett and the question was, "How did you make Katharine Hepburn come to life in 'The Aviator?'" My roommates and I made a few jokes, saying stuff like, "Well, I basically read what was on the script and memorized it" and "I mean, they tell you what to say, so it's not that hard - I didn't have to like, make it up or anything".

I don't really know where I'm going with this and I'm sure I've already said enough to get a shit load of emails from all sorts of actors/waiters, actors/bartenders, actors/personal assistants, and actors/girl who I paid $23 to say "Jason is my hero" all slow and sexy-like three times in a row, so let's just send it off:

- acting: not too hard
- me: little to back this up except anger and self-loathing
- Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah: recognized by the Academy as great actors, formerly a stand-up comedian and rapper, respectively
- hard work is for immigrants and old people; luck and looks much, much better
- how come no one thanks the writers of the movie? Directors are thanked for their vision, co-stars for their passion - what about the people who came up with the fucking idea?
- my penis is trying to leave me
More later (hopefully)...

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