Everything is wrong with me
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
losing badly in the awards race
I have an assortment of site counters on this site that track how many people are viewing it. They tell me not only raw data (how many "unique visitors", how many page views, etc), but they also provide me with some interesting peripheral data - what search terms are bringing people to the site, which sites have linked my site and are drawing visitors, which time zones and countries are visiting, etc.

And to be honest, I am completely fucking mesmerized by this. I'm not sure if it's entirely egotism, but that plays a big part of it. But I don't care, because it's just so damn fascinating to me. When I started this little experiment in February of '04, I sent it to a couple of friends, and now (with last week's email from Shari in Antarctica) there are people who regularly visit this site from all seven continents (sure, it may be one person in Antarctica and like three in South Africa, but whatever - don't be a dick).

Where am I going with this? A few weeks ago, I noticed that I got some visitors from this site that was setting up a "Best of Blogs" awards. I saw that someone had nominated me for "Most Humorous Blog" and of course I immediately went on and said something to the effect of, "Fuck you all - my blog is the shit. Suck it. Does anyone have any cheese or cheese-products that they're not gonna eat?"

I forgot about it, until I noticed some more visitors were coming from it, because I had been officially nominated in "Snarkiest Blog" category, so I posted about it. I thought to myself, "Holy shit - I have to win this award. I could really use a nice prize. I really, really hope it's a bag of cocaine, because I am hurtin' something awful. Also, I have never heard the word 'snarky' in my life, and have no fucking idea what it means."

So I did a little more research on the awards, and was bit disappointed, because the prizes are L-A-M-E. They are:

Prize Package - First Place:

* One year FREE blog hosting from WiredHub.net Web Hosting Solutions, plus a FREE upgrade to the next level of service when the free period expires
* FREE porting of your existing blog to WiredHub.net from One by One Media
* FREE blog design from Ciao! My bella
* A copy of Gossip Girl: Because I'm Worth It by Cecily von Ziegesar from Time Warner Book Group and The Zero Boss

Prize Package - Second Place:

* Four months FREE blog hosting from WiredHub.net Web Hosting Solutions, plus 40% off on all hosting plans and a FREE upgrade to the next level of service
* $25 blog design gift certificate from Ciao! My bella

Prize Package - Third Place:

* One month FREE blog hosting from WiredHub.net Web Hosting Solutions, plus 40% off on all hosting plans and a FREE upgrade to the next level of service

So you're telling me that if I win, I get free porting! I have no idea what the fuck that means, but holy shitballs! I've always wanted free porting!

Also, I get free blog hosting! This is perfect, because it's not like I didn't just pay for one year of blog hosting up front, which I'm locked into! Fucking sweet!

And a book called Gossip Girl? I will not rest until I win!

[In case you didn't pick up on that, that was sarcasm. I'm really good at it, I know.]

So I figured to hell with it; I would make no effort to try to win this award, aside from my initial post, because it wasn't worth it. I didn't put up the little "BoB Nominee" button that would link readers directly to the voting page, because I didn't want to beg for votes - unless money was involved. If first prize was $1,000 or a trip to Mexico, I'd be knocking on your door right now, ready to offer you the worst beejer you've ever gotten in your life in exchange for a vote. Sucks for you that's not the case (well, not really).

I checked a few days later to see that I was in third place. I had something like 100 or so votes, and was losing to two blogs, one called "Rockstar Mommy" and the other "Bitchalicious", each with almost 200 votes. I checked out these blogs who were besting me, to see if they were anywhere close to as good as mine. And after further review, I can't fucking believe I'm losing to these people.

First, the names of these blogs are disturbing enough. The fact that something called "Rockstar Mommy" is getting more props than my site is almost painful. The only way that a blog called "Rockstar Mommy" would be cool is if Courtney Love wrote it, and talked about how she sold little Francis Bean's penicillin at age 3 for some speed or some cash to pay the clinic for her monthly herpes test. But alas, this blog is not written by Courtney Love, but rather some mom who likes music or something (I didn't get very far).

By going by the name alone, I thought "Bitchalicious" had potential. Images of some hot, catty 20-something chick being a total asshole to everyone appealed to me, as I am very lonely, and most would call me a "pervert". However, it turns out this blog is written by a 30 year-old military wife who looks like she's a pretty into buffalo wings (not that there's anything wrong with that - 95% of the current pictures of me out there are of me eating buffalo wings, holding buffalo wings, dancing with buffalo wings, or sticking buffalo wings under my armpits).

So I dismissed these awards even moreso than before, deciding to ignore them altogether because c'mon - anything where I can be beaten by blogs called "Rockstar Mommy" and "Bitchalicious" has to have something wrong with it, right? I mean, it can't be me, because I am pretty fucking awesome, right? Right? Anyone?

[Another reason that I didn't think these awards were legit is that I wasn't getting many referred visitors from them, meaning this particular awards site isn't very high traffic. It'd be one thing if I were getting 300 visitors a day from the BoB site, but it's more like 15. Apparently, there are all different Blog Awards (Wizbang, Diarist, and the Bloggies), and BoB is one of the less popular among these. If I were gay, I'd be able to make a great comparison and say something like, "Think of the Bloggies as the Oscars and the BoB Awards as the Critic's Choice Awards", but I really don't watch many awards show, save for the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards, which is held in Vegas every year in February and is pretty much the sole reason I want to be famous (so I can attend them). But I digress...]

Again, I forgot about it for a couple of days, and checked back again yesterday. Turns out that I'm currently not only losing, but I'm getting killed: I'm still in 3rd (but barely) with 178 votes, while "Bitchalicious" has 417 and "Rockstar Mommy" has 385. I mean, that's just embarrassing.

Having previously done a cursory review of their blogs, I had to give them a real read now, since, like I said, they're wiping the floor with my fat ass. I figured I would first check out the current leader, "Bitchalicious", to see how this site could be (according to the BoB awards) much better than mine.

Not a good idea. Because now I have lost faith in all humanity and firmly believe that literacy should be limited to only a small percentage of the population.

For example, yesterday on "Bitchalicious" we find such witty (and snarky) verbiage as...

I hate Mondays. I hate them so much. Right when I'm spoiled on getting a decent amount of sleep Monday rolls around and I have to get up godawful early to babysit and start the longass day.
I also had to grocery shop today (which I hate too). But I saved $30 in coupons and rolled home with a trunk full for $120. Didn't get any meat though. The bloody commissary was out of chicken and pork. How the hell they managed that is beyond me but they did so now I have to go BACK in the morning and I hate that place.

I know you guys might get tired of me talking about how I beat off in the shower or how much I love hot dogs (I really do love hot dogs, though - I hope you all realize that), but grocery shopping? Really? I thought it might just have been a bad post, so I continued reading some of her other stuff. Let's listen in...

I think we're on week 3 of pretty much no sun. It's so damn gloomy outside. I'm a miserable bitch as it is right? Gloomy weather just makes it worse.

Intense. S'more:

We went to Lori's today to get a desk I bought from her in November. (Well mom bought it but anyway) .. it's more of a desk/cabinet thing... I put it in our bedroom to hold our other tv and other random crap but I love it. It's HUGE and HEAVY and it was a bitch getting it here but I love it. Thanks Lori!

While I was there she gave me something GrumpyBunny got for me when she was here at Thanksgiving but we kept missing each other. OMFG.. Girl you have NO idea how awsome this is. AND you need to tell me where you found it!
I haven't been able to find Vanilla Schnapps and had given up until today. She got me a nice big bottle that will taste well with Cranberry juice and grenedine. Girls night indeed!
Thanks so much GB and Hubster!

I worked all evening and now its 1:30 and I have to be up at 7:30 to start my babysitting week of fun all over again.

Again ladies and gentlemen, the current score is 417 votes to 178. And some more...

Tomorrow is "try to sleep in day" and "get some work and laundry done day".
And I would kill for a glass of tea right now so off I go.

Through my tears of failure, I continued reading...

Newport News Virginia - it's sunny and 70 (ignore the freak 14 inches of snow they got on Christmas that melted the next day)
Las Vegas - it's 54 and they had snow the other day.
Phoenix - it's 55 and raining (for the last week)

What's up with this weather? It's supposed to be SUNNY HERE!

Again, I can not believe that I'm losing to this blog. Who the hell reads this? Really, at what point in your life are you at that you find entertainment in someone talking about grocery shopping or the weather or how their mom bought them a desk? Am I missing something here? Because if I am, please tell me. I don't care about the prizes, or the "glory", or, um, whatever else comes with these awards, but this is atrocious.

And these posts aren't aberrations; I could go on and on citing lame examples, but I'll stop there and move on to "Rockstar Mommy".

Ironically or coincidentally enough, "Rockstar Mommy" currently has a post up about all the drama in the LBC surrounding the awards, writing,

...[T]here is just SO MUCH DRAMA going on behind the scenes, it's disgusting. [If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.]

Yes. We do consider ourselves lucky to be left out of such a tempest of hatred.

Since I have been nominated, I have been called ridiculous names and had my blog trashed, including the design. Not cool. Especially since it's from people who I never even knew existed until the BoB awards came along - people I've never even talked to. Calling me names? Kinda childish and stupid. But making fun of my blog? I might start swinging. I like my blog, I like my design...leave my blogging skills the hell out of it and I won't correct your 2nd grade grammar skills...

God her, blogs sux ass real badd.

I'm not the only one that has been unfairly attacked. I've heard plenty of stories going around about being trashed, made fun of, cheating, and even stories of people hacking into finalists sites. I mean, WTF people? What is wrong with you?

Is that why my site was down yesterday (and parts of it are down today)? You son of a...

These awards were supposed to be all in good fun, but there seems nothing fun to me about any of this. In fact, they're just more of a nuisance now. I'm not equipt [sic] for all this jealousy, cattiness, and immaturity - another reason why I shouldn't be in the snarky category.

Rockstar Mommy probably shouldn't read my site then, since jealous and immaturity are two of my four best traits (along with disloyalty and obesity).

If you need an award so desperately to feel good about yourself, then maybe you deserve it; you obvioulsy [sic] need the attention. Too bad the prize package doesn't include some extensive therapy sessions.

Just chill the fuck out people. I'm sick of hearing all the gossip. It's so stupid. Play nice and leave me and my blog the hell out of it; we never did anything to any one of you - but trust me, we're not afraid to.

If the prize package came with therapy, I would be VERY interested. Also, if you're going to call people out on grammar, you gotta spell check. This is not hard people.
To be honest though, "Rockstar Mommy" is eons better than "Bitchalicious", by virtue of the fact that she does have decent taste in music and thought of an inventive way to help the tsunami victims.

But that's not to say that she doesn't have some pretty crappy stuff to say, like:

What the hell is up with the word vaccum? Vacum? Vaccuum? Vacume? Vacuum?

Who decided to spell it so half-assed backwords? It's always been one of those words for me; no matter how many times I look it up, I still always think it looks wrong.

It's spelled so stupid. Who decided to put 2 U's together in the same word? I'd like to smack the taste right out of their mouth.

Vackyoom might look a little silly, but really, no sillier than with the 2 U's put together - and at least it's spelled like it sounds my way.

I think I'm going to put in a request with Merriam-Webster. Let's see what kind of pull the nerds over there have and see if we can get it spelled my way. I mean, hell... if they can put the word noogie in the dictionary....

Also, I've never been able to spell the word kneck neck correctly. I KNOW how to spell it, I just never can seem to do it. I always put a K before it. Like it's a knob or a knot. Like a Kidiot.

But I guess I'm missing something, since this post got 21 comments.


And yet, I'm losing to these two blogs. Losing badly. Losing like it's not even fucking close.

178 votes? How is it that I've had more visitors to this site today in one hour between noon and 1pm (est) than I have total votes? I understand it's kind of a bitch, because once you vote, you have to confirm your vote via an email sent to you by BoB, but c'mon - let's try to make this a little less embarrassing and throw me a bone here.

I know that I'm not gonna win, and I am totally ok with that. Another reason why I am skeptical about these awards is that you can vote once per email address per 24 hours, rather than once per email address, so the vote can be easily manipulated. For example, like many people, I have accumulated a lot of email addresses over the years, and I now have seven (!). Sure, I only use two, but the rest are active. Every day, over the fifteen days of voting, I could have used each of those email addresses to vote once per day, tallying 105 votes from just me alone. Breaking it down further, voting closes January 15, so it looks like the winner of this thing will have around 600 votes; I could have personally gotten myself 1/6 of the way there as just one (rather large) person voting. I'm not accusing anyone of doing this, but I'm saying that if you really wanted to win, you and a small group of friends could get together to make it happen, even if no one ever read your blog.

So let's try to make it a little closer. That's my pitch, take it or leave it. If you want to vote for me, fine. If not, well I never liked you anyway. Dick.

Click here to vote.

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