Thursday, January 27, 2005
the great american diet
I have a confession: I am on a diet.
Yes, I know, I know. It's very out of character. I've never before limited what I eat, except to say occasionally, "You know what? I don't want extra cheese on the pizza - it's just too much. I just had a milkshake and a grilled cheese, so if I have extra cheese on the pie I might go into a dairy seizure or coma or some shit. I saw it happen to some dude once on the Learning Channel and it was fucked up." And I know that after years of being fat and drawing strength and power from my girth, if I were somehow to lose weight, like some 21st century obese cokehead Sampson who likes to shoot cars with a bb gun when he's high, I might lose the source of my power and my entire identity.
The good news is that there's absolutely no way this diet is going to succeed. I have a better chance of going to heaven than I do of slimming down. It just ain't gonna happen.
That will not stop me from talking about it though, because hey - it's something to write about. And though I know as much about dieting as I do about pleasing a woman or not masturbating in the corner of my apartment building's laundry room late at night, I am pleased to announce Jason Mulgrew's Guide to Dieting.
"Jason Mulgrew's Guide to Dieting"
by Jason Mulgrew
illustrations by Jason Mulgrew
edited by Jason Mulgrew, with the help of SpellCheck
thought of while pooping by Jason Mulgrew
I figure that after years of get rich quick schemes, I should try creating a diet. People will do and pay just about anything to look and feel good, and I am the right mix of schemer, deviant, and charismatic leader to manipulate a large amount of people with low self-esteem into giving me money. And look at me - I'm fat as shit! All I have to do is take a couple "before" pictures, go on this diet and lose 100 pounds, take a couple of "after" pictures, and then sit back and watch the checks come in. It's really very simple, you see. Now on with the diet...
You see, dieting is fundamentally simple. Like Communism, witch hunts, and Jim Crow laws, it makes perfect sense on paper and seems easy enough: all one needs to do is make moderate changes in lifestyle to reap countless rewards, like being able to walk up a flight of stairs without collapsing or rising from your chair at your desk without your knees buckling under you so that you fall and hit your fat head on your keyboard. However, it's the application of dieting that's difficult. And here's where I come in to help.
There are three things you need to think about when you diet:
1) Why you want to stop being a fat fuck
2) Why you are currently a fat fuck
3) Stop being a fat fuck already
If you follow these three steps (and eat a lot less and exercise at least one hour a day), you are guaranteed to lose weight. Now in the words of Jesus Christ Himself, "Let's briga-briga-break it down!" (Editor's Note: we were not able to confirm if Jesus actually said "Let's briga-briga-break it down!" by press time, but from what we know of Him personally and from our Bible study groups, we assume that He did in fact say it)
1) Why you want to stop being a fat fuck
There are all sorts of reasons for dieting. Some, like me, want to diet because they fear that they may drop dead at any time, as since they graduated from college they have exclusively eaten from the following food groups: booze (beer, wine, hard alcohol, homemade wine that was actually just vodka mixed with apple juice); the fried family (chicken fingers, french fries, onion rings, nachos dipped in a fryer, sticks of butter dipped in a fryer, your finger dipped in a fryer); the cream family (ice cream, whipped cream, sour cream, cream cheese, hand cream); cheap booze (any liter of alcohol that can be purchased for under $6, very old Pepsi, homemade "sangria" made from $4 tequila, homemade wine [see above], and rubbing alcohol); miscellaneous (a tire, two folding chairs, a couple of pens, and a dog); and of course, methamphetamines.
Others, also like me, want to diet because they are not getting the attention of the opposite sex. They're tired of going out with their friends and being ignored by the attractive people they lust after, something that bothers them so much that they go home and light their arm on fire or immediately buy a gun. Therefore, they want to make a change so that they too can be viewed with the same lust they view this sexy bitch (both of them). Also (from what I can remember), having sex feels pretty good, so they'd like a piece of that action if possible.
I personally have another reason for dieting, a combination of the two above: I firmly believe that if given the proper tests, my doctor would declare that I am not healthy enough for sexual activity. There is no doubt in my mind about this. I've written before how my heart races when I stand up quickly or pee, and how I can't even look at a flight of stairs without needing to take a nap. I can't imagine what a round or two of passionate, consensual love-making would do to me, since after masturbating I need at least a week to recuperate, having to stay in bed twenty-two hours a day and stay away from operating any and all heavy machinery.
So the first step is knowing why you want to diet. Not only that, you must focus on these reasons, never allowing yourself to forget the ultimate goal: "One day, when the opportunity presents itself, I would like to have an orgasm without worry whether or not my heart will explode."
2) Why you currently are a fat fuck
The second step, in case you didn't notice from the "2)" and the bold text above, is figuring out why you currently are a fat fuck. Is it because you eat unhealthy foods? Is it because you eat a lot? Is it because your whole family is fat? Is it because you don't move unless you absolutely have to? Is it for all these reasons, in addition to believing that deep down fat really is sexy?
All these reasons apply to me (well, except the whole fat being sexy thing - believe me, that's the last thing I'm thinking when I'm in the shower whipping the wash cloth onto the vast expanse that is my back, trying to clean areas that I have not been able to touch nor have been exposed to direct sunlight since pre-school).
I think my biggest problem is portions. My doctor and I spoke out this the last time I visited him and tried to score some painkillers, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds, laxatives, whatever. He made a great point when he said, "Jason, I don't believe in the whole 'low carb' thing. Think about it - look at all the Orientals. The main staple of their diet is rice, and they're very skinny - and, might I add, great at math. The problem is portions. How many times have you split a box of spaghetti with a roommate? Do you know that there are eight servings of pasta in a box? It's portions, not the carbs. And please, put your penis back in your pants. There's nothing wrong with it, and I know you're just saying something's wrong with it so that I'll touch it. You are a sick man. A sick man with a baby's penis."
I just like to eat a lot. For example, a lot of times I'll order a large pizza with the justification that I can eat some now, and still have enough left over for another meal or two. Sadly, twenty minutes after the pizza arrives, after a lot of screaming and tears, all that's left is an empty box and half of that little white plastic table they put in the middle of the pizza so the box top doesn't get crushed onto the cheese (I keep forgetting that this is NOT candy, something I don't realize until I'm choking on the fucking thing).
Another problem: beer. For all it's wondrous qualities (giver of strength, wisdom, sexual prowess, an excuse to do/say whatever you want, object of blame when you "accidentally" download three gay porn clips), beer isn't the best thing for you and your belly. It's basically a lot of calories and carbs mixed with just the right amount of poison so that when the proper amount is ingested you think, "You know what? It can't be too hard to fly. I think those who tried to do it before and failed were just pussies. I'm gonna go to the top floor of the parking lot to test this out."
So if you are seriously trying to lose weight, you're going to have to cut down on the beer. Fortunately, that doesn't mean you have to stop getting messed up. Straight alcohol is very low in calories, and will get you much drunker much more quickly. Also, to my knowledge, pills are very low in calories as well (thought I only went to med school for one year - long story).
3) Stop being a fat fuck already.
You have decided why you need to stop being so fat. You have figured out precisely why you are fat. And now the hard part: stop being a fat fuck already.
First, you have to change your eating habits. Cut down on the bad stuff, eat more of the good stuff. Different people have different approaches to this. I'm trying one of those diets in which you eat six small meals a day instead of three giant meals. My daily diet is supposed to consist of:
- Morning: two eggs, oatmeal
- Mid-morning: protein bar
- Lunch: salad with tuna or chicken
- Mid-afternoon: protein bar
- Dinner: piece of chicken, fish, or beef with vegetables
- After dinner (if necessary): protein shake
I thought this would work, first and foremost because the protein bars are delicious and quite filling. There's one flavor called "double fudge brownie", and believe it or not, it tastes kinda like a brownie, albeit a stale brownie that looks like a turd. Also, the protein shakes, though I won't be confusing them with milkshakes anytime soon, aren't too bad either. And I like eggs, oatmeal, chicken, tuna, and beef! Doesn't this look so good on paper???
Sadly, I have not been able to follow this verbatim. I use yesterday's record of consumption as an example, with the diet prescribed as above and the actual food I ate in parentheses:
- Morning: two eggs (with three types of cheese - monterey jack, american, mozzarella - in a tortilla), oatmeal (two sausage patties)
- Mid-morning: protein bar (protein bar)
- Lunch: salad with tuna or chicken (chicken caesar salad with approximately one cup of caesar dressing and two- to three-hundred croutons, rice pudding)
- Mid-afternoon: protein bar (protein bar)
- Dinner: piece of chicken, fish, or beef with vegetables (cheeseburger (with lettuce), fries, large Nestea, half pint of ice cream)
- After dinner (if necessary): protein shake (Nesquik chocolate milk)
So this really is the hard part. However, I will remain "committed", especially since I just spent $120 on protein shakes and protein bars, because it's not like I have over $20,000 in student loans to pay off or anything. Nor a $2600 computer to pay off. Nor a credit card bill that's so high I'm embarrassed to write the amount. So spending over $100 on protein shit is completely acceptable and fiscally responsible.
But in the battle of losing weight, dieting is only the one half of the equation. The other half is exercising. I can not speak to this at this juncture, as I have been advised by my doctor not to exercise for at least four weeks. This is not because I sustained some glorious injury in a game of sport, but because I have an unglamorous affliction: athlete's foot. Terrible, terrible athlete's foot. I mean, this shit is GROSS. My feet are literally rotting, and go from pink to red to purple to blue throughout the day, and smell like a homeless guy's balls. Not that I've ever smelled a homeless guy's balls (sober). But it's bad. Really, really bad.
So there you have it: my guide to dieting. I know, I know - it's pretty fucking awesome, and you're welcome. All I ask for is that when you follow it, for everyone pound you lose you send me $10. I don't think that's asking too much. They say you can't put a price on neither health nor beauty, but I disagree - it's $10 per pound.
[If you are too poor to send me $10 per pound lost, please contact me and we can agree on something mutually beneficial (and by "mutually beneficial" I mean "you give me a handjob and I don't spooge all over the back seat of your Chevy Lumina but rather into a perfectly positioned soiled pair of boxers")]
Good luck. With the right combination of thinking positively, eating right, and exercising, you can work your way to a new a better you!
(Or just throw up after you eat - you know, whatever really. Who gives a shit.)