Everything is wrong with me
Thursday, December 16, 2004
"Reba" and my dad, "Black Bush", Keidis, Lyrics, Music
I'm fairly certain that my dad doesn't read this site. Not 100% positive, but pretty certain.

Still, he knows to some degree what goes on it. For example, he knows that I wrote about this summer when I got drunk down the shore while staying at my aunt's house and crawled in bed with her at 4:30 in the morning (not my finest hour, but far from my worst).

But he doesn't really understand the whole "website" thing. I've told him before that a lot of people read it, but he never thought much of it. He started taking more of an interested when people in my neighborhood started reading it, but he still doesn't really get it ("So you write on a webpage? Why do people read it? Don't they have work to do? Can you hand me my cigarettes?")

My dad watches a lot of tv. He never did before, but he's out of work hurt, so he does now. Mostly it's those serial killer shows on A&E, or anything on the History or Discovery Channels. But he also watches his fair share of sitcoms, and his taste in them is questionable to say the least.

For example, my dad's all-time favorite tv show: "Martin". I swear. This wouldn't be a big deal with my dad were a 32 year-old black bachelor who loves going to clubs, but he's a 49 year-old Irish mechanic with tattoos. And he fucking loves this show.

Another one of my dad's favorite shows: "Reba". Again, I'm not making this up. I've never seen this show, but I can't imagine what happens in it that would make my dad such a fan. My dad doesn't like Reba McEntire herself or country music, so I got nothing. Still, he fucking loves it.

The other day after watching "Reba" he called me up:

Dad: "Yo Jas."
Me: "Hey dad."
Dad: "You got any lawyers working on that website with you?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Dad: "How do you know people won't steal what you're writing?"
Me: "Well, I don't, but I do have a lawyer friend who's helped me copyright everything, so I have the maximum amount of protection I can have by law."
Dad: "Oh, ok." [smoking cigarette, silent for three seconds]
Me: "Why?"
Dad: "Well, I was watching 'Reba', and they had something on there that reminded me of something you did."
Me: "What?"
Dad: "The kid on the show got drunk, and crawled into bed with the mother-in-law, like you did with Aunt Judy. Do you think they stole that from you?"
Me: "I don't know if anyone on the writing staff from 'Reba' reads my website."
Dad: [taking drag of cigarette] "Well, you never know."

People of "Reba": expect a summons in the mail shortly, because I am going to take you mother fuckers for all you're worth. You've fucked with the wrong internet quasi-celebrity this time, and you're gonna pay.


If you have not seen the "Black Bush" skit from The Dave Chappelle Show, stop whatever you are doing and find it. If I were to try to summarize it I would fail miserably, partially because it's so absurd and partially because every time I watch it I get really baked beforehand, but it basically depicts Dave Chappelle as Black George W. Bush, and runs through scenarios that the Bush administration has faced, and how they would have been handled differently if Bush were black (or rather, if Bush were Dave Chappelle).

I don't know how you can get this; I don't think Season 2 is on DVD yet, but I downloaded this episode of the show via LimeWire. It took about 3 days and I probably downloaded about 4 different viruses with it (my three-month old $2600 laptop hasn't been running the same since), but my god is it worth it. In the pantheon of "Funniest Fucking Shit Ever", it's gotta be:

1) Will Ferrell in "SNL: Best of Will Ferrell: 2" as karate expert Terry Gantner, failing to punch through a block of wood and breaking his hand in the process

2) When Mary Swanson gets hit by the snowball thrown by Harry Dunne in "Dumb and Dumber"

3) Chappelle's "Black Bush" skit

4) Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (pretty much whatever he does)

5) Anytime I wear tighty-whities

Solid. Gold. Comedy.

["Just don't drop that shit!"]


Looking for a Christmas gift for that friend who's really into sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll, but not sure what to get him/her? Try Anthony Keidis' autobiography, Scar Tissue. I haven't read it yet, but my roommate Brian is reading it now and told me an amazing story from it:

Keidis had been clean for five years when he had to go to the dentist to get his wisdom teeth out. He told the doctor that he was allergic to general anesthesia, for fear of getting knocked out and realizing how fucking awesome it feels. The doctor tried to give him local anesthetic, but the tooth was so impacted that they had to put him under. After the operation, the doctor prescribed him some painkillers to deal with the pain. Keidis went to the pharmacy, got the prescription filled, and immediately took "about 20" pills. High, he decided to go to downtown LA to buy some coke and heroin.

This was after being completely sober for five years. Good god. Quite the stocking stuffer.


Only my very close friends know that for the past four years I have been diligently studying the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter". My goal was to decipher the lyrics themselves, and then deconstruct and analyze them from a poetic point of view.

After four years and much research, I have finally figured out the lyrics to "Yellow Ledbetter", and I'm happy to report that they don't need any explanation; the beauty of Eddie Vedder's words shines through for all to see, and if this doesn't touch you, you are a robot:

On a ceiling, on a boy sublettor - said,
Lenny said, I wanna leave it again.
Once I saw her, on a beast sure weather - said
Nona say, I wanna leave it again.
On a wheeler, on a wizard on a way a-yeah,
And I call Mama say and I whoa Mama send and I call out again.
In the wrist that, on a leave or gone my know
I said I know wanna where there's a fox hole or a bag

Oh yeah yeah yeah, can't you see them?
Out on the porch, yeah - they don't weigh
I see them, round out my way
And I know and I know I don't wanna stay

Make me cry

[guitar solo]

I see I don't know there's something else
On a gunman, on a way
I said - I don't, I don't know where there's a fox hole or a bag


My goodness - never in my years of studying poetry have I encountered such a powerful description of falling in love in the spring with a girl who has one arm. I personally lose it when he starts talking about the "boy sublettor". Too much emotion. Too much indeed.


Six Songs:

- "Suzanne" Weezer
I can't express how much Weezer rocked my shit when they first come out. The fact that, like me, they were nerds and did a lot of whining, adding to the fact that they were kick-ass on guitar and reality easy to play blew my doors off. This is my favorite Weezer song. So there.

- "Perfect Lovesong" Divine Comedy
A love song about writing a love song! How clever!

- "Look What You've Done" Jet
A softer side to the cokehead Aussie band, who's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" got played out in one week and was ripped off by about two dozen commercials.

- "And Your Bird Can Sing" The Beatles
Two things are superlative about this song: the harmony in the line, "You tell me that you've heard every sound there is", and the guitar riff throughout, which is nearly impossible to play (probably because I stink at guitar, but whatever).

- "I Need More Love" Robert Randolph and the Family Band
This song fucking kicks ass. The solo is so balls-out it gives me chills. I would cut my bird off and eat it to be able to play guitar like that. My god.

- "Off My Mind" Smoking Popes
I used to love the Popes, until I found out that the lead singer is ultra-Christian and a lot of his songs are about god - ugh.

But anyway, they're a good band, and I really like the one part in this song [breaking cardinal rule and posting lyrics! Slowly...turning into...douchebag blogger...]

I just can't get you off my mind
I would hang out with you all the time
If I didn't have to work

Simple, direct, successful. My name is Jason Mulgrew, and I write dick jokes on the internet. Good night.

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